breaking up is hard to do!

louise_1981

I met my Oh at uni when I was 19, he is the first man I have ever been with after being with. after 3 yrs we decided to move in together after informally living together. In our first year living together we were fine, although he developed a back back and I deffered my uni course due to both my grandparents getting cancer. We did have our spats which often resulted in broken cups and things flying around, this was him throwing, and sometimes me retaliating (sp?)

On hearing my grand parents news I wanted to be closer to them as it was a 5 hour train journey and neither of us drive. My OH got a job in his home town and accepted it with out any discussion with me, although I knew he was going for the job. this meant travelling would be cut down to 1 1/2 to 2 hours.

We then set about finding a home, the first house we put and offer on fell through and we ended up living with his grandmother for 10 months whilst we found a new house etc. This was ok, if a little tense due to living in someone elses house. The house he bought needed a lot of work and although it has placed a lot of stress on his family and us as a couple, in terms of them helping get it into a livable state, but we eventually moved in. Since starting this job his back has got progressively worse, and resulted in him taking 8 weeks off work before christmas. He is only now being refered to someone at the hospital, which could take months.

We have been living in our house for around five weeks, and I am completely at the end of my tether. Every little thing, he has a snide remark, he expects me to work full time, and keep house, eg tidying up after him, contribute to bills half and half even though its his house and he gets paid double my salary (granted I do not pay any rent). He goes into childish moods when he can not get his own way and is a complete mammy's boy.

I have put my self into debt over this house buying new carpets for the house, a new kitchen, wallpaper,and all its accessories, numerous paint brushes as no one is willing to clean them except me, I have just this week bought a holiday, thinking time together may be able to sort it out.

when we got together we both stated no marriage and no kids and I was happy with that. however, at the minute it feels as though I have a 3 yr old in the body of a 28 yr old. God help him at work cos he is a teacher!!!

I am finding it really hard to find the good in him lately, I am not sure if it is the house, the stress of his job the fact that he is in severe pain with a bad back, of which no one can say why he is in such pain, or is it that we have just plain out grown each other, we have been together almost 5 1/2 years.

I do care for him, but I do not think I am in love with him any more

I am bringin forward my visit to my grandparents and going tomorrow instead of Friday, I am hoping the time away from each other will clarify things.

anyway advice would be welcome, but I just neded to get it off my chest

Nicki

Don't underestimate the effect which severe pain can have on a person's personality and tolerance levels. If you've been together for 5 1/2 years and this is the first time you've had problems, I'd give it a bit longer (and at least until he sees the consultant and gets some appropriate pain relief) All relationships go through tricky times from time to time. If you can weather them, however, it will make the relationship stronger.

Good luck, and have a nice visit with your grandparents.

Hotspur

Hi Louise,

This may not assist with the immediate issue however, a practical point from me from the experience of a friend who lived with someone for many years but never married or formalised who got what if it all went wrong. She ended up with very little financially and is now struggling bringing up a young child without much in the way of income. The OH got virtually all the assets (£1/2 million+), but she is now a happier person.

You speak about our house and taking on debt and paying half the bills and also that it is his house. If this is to be an equal partnership then I would suggest you seek to put your name on the house deeds to protect your financial interests.

Finally, if you "care for him, but do not think I am in love with him any more" haven't you answered your own question?

belfastgirl23

Have you had a really good talk with him about this when you are both relatively calm? I would guess nort since you are so busy and have so much going on. I know sometimes my DH will say to me that I'm being a bit snide or grumpy and I'll be surprised because I haven't realised that that's how it sounds, I've just had my mind on other things.

Use your time at your grandparents to think about things properly. Try to come back calm and collected and sit down and have a proper talk. He may be so focused on himself (especially if he's in pain) that he hasn't properly realised the effect on you. Make your points calmly and if he's being bad tempered about it just leave it (sometimes men need cooling off time to let things settle). It also may be that he doesn't ever acknowledge the problem but addresses it in his behavior. This is very much how it is in my house - DH will never admit he's wrong but will correct things in his own time.

Also give him space to tell you where you're going wrong and try not to be too defensive about it. Sometimes the pressure release of being able to say stuff can make a huge difference. And it is worth trying to think honestly about whether he has a point rather than immediately jumping to your own defence. This is especially hard if you know you're guilty I find personally

Good luck with it.

nats3006

hope you get it sorted out (((hugs))))

timberflake

I don't think people give it enough time to see if a relationship can be salvaged. I would guess that all of your partners problems are causing him to take the frustration out on you. We always take things out on the person closest to us.

I would make it crystal clear to him that whilst you will be there for him in any way you can you will not be an emotional punchbag.

I myself have just got out of a major relationship, which I tried my best to save until I found out there was someone else. I would really try speaking to him in the first instance, he may realise the error of his ways...

cannylass_2

i really agree with nicki-severe pain can totally take over the life of the sufferer, your b/f is probably feeling very low mood-wise, possibly depressed/angry and frustrated with this condition. has he seen anyone (GP?) for pain relief?

i do hope you can hang in there -at least until he is not in pain, and then you can see where your relationship is heading. i do feel for you, and wish you lots of luck with this...