Helping a family bereavement

4Chickens

I will try to make this as short as possible.
My cousin who is 39yo lost her husband in December. She is partially sighted and has 4 children ranging from 6yo to 14yo. She is not coping with the children and has been either hiding it or not confronting it. In a nutshell she is giving the 14yo boy alcohol to keep him subdued and even to the point where he was passed out drunk. She is giving her 9yo sleeping tablets when he gets too much to handle. The children are running riot and all she seems to be doing is housework or sleeping. She is taking a sleeping tablet when the kids come home from school and they are running around unsupervised. There is other stuff going on too but some of it is too personal to mention.
Who can I get in contact with to help her out, I will support her all the way but she and her children need professional help that I can't off. She has always been suspicious of the Social Services, most likely due to the horror stories you hear. And also I was in care during my teenage years and she knows all about the nasty stuff that went on. I am going to see her on Wednesday night to raise some of the issues I have described above. I have spoken to her mum and her best friend and they have the same concerns as me but they dare not approach her about it because she is the sort of person that tends to scream and shout when she hears something she does'nt like. I am going to talk to her as calmly and as reasurringly as possible but their are no guarantees that she will listen and then what do I do or where do I go.

Errata

Who is most important here? The mum or the kids? If it's the kids, who are clearly being harmed and at risk, the sensible thing to do would be to phone either the NSPCC or social services.
Perhaps the reason she is so suspicious of social services is because she is well aware of the harm she is inflicting on her children.

NAR

Have to agree with Errata here - professional help is obviously required and quickly.
OP don't mean to cause offence here, but what if something bad happens to one of the children and you have taken no action - how are you going to feel about it knowing that you could have maybe prevented it?

Errata

In a nutshell she is giving the 14yo boy alcohol to keep him subdued and even to the point where he was passed out drunk. She is giving her 9yo sleeping tablets when he gets too much to handle

These actions may come under the Offences Against the Person Act, by way of administering a noxious substance, which is a criminal offence and carries a jail sentence.

inkie

Cindie - I think I know what you have to do. These are children who have lost their father, and are being 'cared' for by a mum who is at her wits end probably. Please take action now for her sake and for those children, as the situation is like to get much worse, and who knows what can happen. You need to contact Social Services without delay. Please get help for your cousin and her children.

nats3006

Feel for both mum and children!!

Hope it all works out for them

bestpud

Sooner or later, your cousin is going to have social services involved in her life. The situation as you describe it is just too dangerous and something will happen to alert people. She will likely have no option if things get to that stage!

My point is that with the correct support now, she may be able to turn this around.

If something goes badly wrong and she shuns support, she may well end up losing her children or at the very least, the damage will be harder to overcome.

You have a duty to the children and your cousin. Contacting appropriate support help may not be what she WANTS but it's something they NEED. Nobody likes to admit they can't cope with their children. She may well be angry with you at first but the chances are she will thank you one day.

Please get her some help while the situation is reversable and she has some chance of making a better life for her and her children.

Ask yourself if you'd want someone to do the same for you if you were so obviously struggling?

Elle00

She has been through a very traumatic time and obviously needs help to rebuild her life for her and her children's sakes.

If she has any willingness in her to change then try to convince her to go to her GP and ask for family counselling first off. If she is able to discuss the bereavement and the situation she has been left with, with a professional who can counsel and advise she might be able to turn things around for herself and her children. Unfortunately because her children are over 5 she is not able to get help from HS or the HV but you'd be surprised by just how much a GP can do to support emotional welfare and promote positive mental health.

If your friend is unwilling (well, understandably unable actually) to help herself then you can either call the NSPCC for advice or go directly to Social Services. No they don't always help but hopefully they would do one of two things; offer realistic help and advice to support the family through this difficult time or make the Mother dig her heels in just to prove to them that she is a capable Mother who can cope just fine (and find herself behaving and coping much better in the process).

Don't be too hard on your cousin because she is probably very lost, lonely and frightened right now. But everyone is right in saying that if her behaviour is regularly detrimental to the children's wellbeing, and even life threatening to a point by administering sleeping pills without GP consent (which wouldn't be granted at 9yo), you have no choice but to alert the authorities. You can't risk the children like this and I'm confident the bereavement will be fully appreciated and taken into account and that she would be offered assistance - not have her children taken away permanently.

bestpud

Forgot to add.

You could contact Home Start. They probably won't be ale to help themselves as they deal with under fives, but they will know of other help in your area. May be a way of finding what support is available? Or do you have a sure start scheme in your area?

4Chickens

Thanks for your advice everyone.

I have contacted parentline and they have told me that my cousin can contact them at anytime day or night. They gave me a number for Winstons Wishes which is a charity that deals with bereaved children and their parents. Parentline have told me that I must contact the NSPCC. I have been trying to do that all day but they are busy. I will keep trying though.

Thanks again

inkie

Well done Cindie - you have taken an important step - keep at them, you will get through eventually and make a difference to what is happening. This can't go on any longer.