divorce advise for dad of 2

cheeky

hi looks like we have come to the end of our relationship. My wife started having a emotional affair 6 months ago, said it stopped but found it continued and they had met a few times since. I moved out as she said she wanted to think about why she was so easily led. That was 5 weeks ago. She still hadnt made a decision so i called it quits last week by saying i want a divorce

I am new to this so wanted to get some advise on best steps, gotchas and process. We have both said we dont want to use solicitors except for essentials:

i earn £36k ft, she earns £40k on 4 days a week (so could be £50k)
11 years of which 4 married
Both early 40's,
2 boys 8 and 6
Both had houses before we sold to buy family home, equity was 60/40 in her favour
house is approx £420k, mortgage is £190k owing
Benefits - child
Assets - £20K
pensions - mine cash, hers is final salary(just closed)
2 cars - owned £6k no debt
debts: £3k overdraft

Ive suggested :
sell house
I have £100k
She keep all other cash assets inc house eg £150k
Joint custody and shared bank account for all child costs

She is having none of it - wants more equity, less access for me and go via the CSA estimates - this is £57pm but now she says "its not enough"!

Am i being reasonable ? Do i need to start at 50/50 and hope to finish where i want? Is shared custody better? Can i use her pension/salary as bargaining tools(i dont want to but she seems to be playing hard already)? We would of had our mortgage paid off in 10 years so now we have to start again....

thanks for listening

Mojisola

People will advise on here but it's also worth going onto
https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

Pee

You need a solicitor.

Yes, her pension needs to be taken properly into account.

Once you know what you are entitled to you can make a decision as to what you will agree to to preserve some harmony.

BitterAndTwisted

Well, if she's having none of it then mediation is where you both should be going.

RAS

You will get stung for this.

Possible outcomes:
She keeps the house until the youngest leaves school, then you get a share of the equity.
You pay 20% of your salary
Access limited to one weekend in two and a night the other week, until the boys are older enough to decide to stay with you (which they may well do). Reason she refuses more contact; every night per week they stay with you, you pay less CSA.

You really really need to think about this carefully. Recommend you move back in and consider whether to ask her to leave if you decide it is not working.

Gigglepig

If your wife asked for a break to think only 5 weeks ago, perhaps it is a little early to be divorcing? Since you have children I hope you have tried couple's counselling/mediation. Even if the marriage breaks down it can help you reach an amicable settlement.

Joint custody works well for some couples and children, but in practice, it can be hard work for the kids to to move back and forth all the time.

Caroline_a

When I split with my ex we did shared custody for around a year. What I didn't realise at the time was that my daughter (aged 9) hated it - she felt she had no 'base'. I then moved too far away to share care and she spent half the school holidays with her father and the rest of the time with me. She settled into that immediately, so although adults tend to think that shared care is the best for the child, it really isnt always so.

I would echo what others have said though. Get yourself a pit bull of a lawyer and leave them to do the work. Ensure that any money you hand over for the children is documented and receipted, otherwise you will get stung twice by the CSA if you have no proof that you have already paid.

marisco_2

It would be well worth your while to talk to a solicitor, some offer a free half hour consultation, before coming to any decision regarding how to split your assets. CAB can also be a useful source of advice too. You could handle any discussion you then have with your wife from an informed and considered position. The more amicably you can both come to agreement over your finances the better. If either one of you plays hard the only ones who will come out smiling in the end will be your solicitors. That will have a huge impact on how positively you each manage to move forward from this point.

Also for the sake of the children's wellbeing decisions on access need to be handled carefully. They will want to maintain really strong and loving connections with both of you. If communication between you both has all but broken down, then you might find that mediation will be useful. I think attending this is now a part of any divorce.

themull1

Whats an 'emotional affair'?

dancingfairy

Not a physical one 'yet' (or at least they aren't prepared to admit it) but it is heading that way. It's pathetic. Wanting to cheat but not having the guts to finish it properly with your currnet partner.
df

dreamywings1

You need a solicitor and you need one fast