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OH Feeling 'Isolated'
Lagoon
Posts: 934 Forumite
Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
OH has some close friends that he spent a lot of time with in the past. We moved out of the area, and it's too costly for him to go back as often as he'd like, which (along with their lives changing) has meant that they've drifted apart a little. They're STILL great friends, but see a lot less of each other as it's just not practical for everyone to get together like they used to.
OH has been saying for months that he feels 'isolated', but it's been an on-and-off thing rather than something that has really bothered him.
He did have one other group of friends, who live locally and who he's always made an effort with. A few weeks ago, they had a party and didn't let him know. It appeared all over FB and he ended up feeling very left out. I told him that it was likely to be an oversight, and probably arranged last-minute which is why he heard nothing until he saw it happening.
I half managed to convince him, but today they've arranged another party and are discussing it on FB. Once again, this whole group of friends has been invited and he's not. This party is weeks away, so he knows that it's not going to be a last-minute thing. It looks like he's been pushed out of the group, but with no reason that we can see.
Obviously, he's feeling more than a big 'rejected'. He always makes an effort, and everyone likes him to chat to in casual situations, but he doesn't really have much of a permanent social life outside these two groups of friends. He knows nobody else in this town, and I can't think how he can meet new people!
His work colleagues all live even further away. Sports are definitely not his thing. He's quite reclusive in that he can't afford to do much/anything at all that costs money, and he is happiest just sitting at home.
I've suggested volunteering, but there's nothing that he wants to do. I've suggested just going and standing in a local pub and 'integrating', but he's nowhere near confident enough to do that. I've looked into local clubs and groups, but they all seem very niche even if he did have money to spare.
I'm sure plenty of people have been in his situation. Moving to a new area, and not knowing anyone. I've tried to explain that he can't rely on the same group of friends forever, and that it's important that he meets people locally, but we've been here almost three years and he hasn't met a single person in this town.
I'm not really a lot of use. I'm very independent, happy in my own company, so I've not had the experience myself of making friends as an adult, outside working/business situations.
So, I wonder if people could throw some ideas at me? Absolutely any way that he can meet new people. He'll no doubt reject 99+% of them, so as many ideas as possible! Thanks.
OH has some close friends that he spent a lot of time with in the past. We moved out of the area, and it's too costly for him to go back as often as he'd like, which (along with their lives changing) has meant that they've drifted apart a little. They're STILL great friends, but see a lot less of each other as it's just not practical for everyone to get together like they used to.
OH has been saying for months that he feels 'isolated', but it's been an on-and-off thing rather than something that has really bothered him.
He did have one other group of friends, who live locally and who he's always made an effort with. A few weeks ago, they had a party and didn't let him know. It appeared all over FB and he ended up feeling very left out. I told him that it was likely to be an oversight, and probably arranged last-minute which is why he heard nothing until he saw it happening.
I half managed to convince him, but today they've arranged another party and are discussing it on FB. Once again, this whole group of friends has been invited and he's not. This party is weeks away, so he knows that it's not going to be a last-minute thing. It looks like he's been pushed out of the group, but with no reason that we can see.
Obviously, he's feeling more than a big 'rejected'. He always makes an effort, and everyone likes him to chat to in casual situations, but he doesn't really have much of a permanent social life outside these two groups of friends. He knows nobody else in this town, and I can't think how he can meet new people!
His work colleagues all live even further away. Sports are definitely not his thing. He's quite reclusive in that he can't afford to do much/anything at all that costs money, and he is happiest just sitting at home.
I've suggested volunteering, but there's nothing that he wants to do. I've suggested just going and standing in a local pub and 'integrating', but he's nowhere near confident enough to do that. I've looked into local clubs and groups, but they all seem very niche even if he did have money to spare.
I'm sure plenty of people have been in his situation. Moving to a new area, and not knowing anyone. I've tried to explain that he can't rely on the same group of friends forever, and that it's important that he meets people locally, but we've been here almost three years and he hasn't met a single person in this town.
I'm not really a lot of use. I'm very independent, happy in my own company, so I've not had the experience myself of making friends as an adult, outside working/business situations.
So, I wonder if people could throw some ideas at me? Absolutely any way that he can meet new people. He'll no doubt reject 99+% of them, so as many ideas as possible! Thanks.
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Comments
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Oh dear, that's excessively long. Sorry!0
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The first thing he needs to do is talk to his old friends! If I were him I'd e-mail the one I was closest to and say I was a bit hurt at being left out and was there a reason for it?
How far away are you though, when somebody is hours away its just the way it is that they aren't invited to absolutely everything.0 -
Person_one wrote: »The first thing he needs to do is talk to his old friends! If I were him I'd e-mail the one I was closest to and say I was a bit hurt at being left out and was there a reason for it?
How far away are you though, when somebody is hours away its just the way it is that they aren't invited to absolutely everything.
I agree, but he's not a confrontational person and so convincing him to do that isn't easy!
These friends are very local (they don't live in our town, but do meet here often) which I think is why it's bothered him most. He even said to one of them about a month ago that he'd like to meet up as it had been a while, and this person agreed that they'd get back to him about it 'soon'.
On one hand, I think he needs to approach them. On the other, I'm thinking that if they behave like that then it's not wise for him to rely on them and he needs to widen his social circles. He doesn't take rejection well at all!0 -
What is he interested in? What does he enjoy doing?0
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What about neighbours?
It's easier to strike up a conversation about DIY, pets or whatever with someone vaguely familiar then extend that into a cuppa or a pint, than it is a room full of strangers.All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.0 -
If he's happiest sat at home, could you invite this local group of friends over to yours for dinner/bbq/film or something? If you did it before this next party and all went well they may then invite him to the party.0
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Person_one wrote: »What is he interested in? What does he enjoy doing?
This is the problem. I haven't yet discovered this, aside from gaming and watching sport on TV, both of which he does at home (with rare visits to the pub when that first group of friends has time to get together).
One of my proudest suggestions was to volunteer as a dog walker, as he loves dogs but can't have one of his own. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to keen on that either. I don't know if it's his self-confidence stopping him from doing these things, but in situations that aren't just about socialising he's got no trouble approaching people.0 -
marywooyeah wrote: »If he's happiest sat at home, could you invite this local group of friends over to yours for dinner/bbq/film or something? If you did it before this next party and all went well they may then invite him to the party.
The trouble is that he did invite them over quite regularly, and has just recently been left out. They all went to each others' houses for BBQs and parties, and suddenly he's discovered that they're now having them without him. No explanation.0 -
What about neighbours?
It's easier to strike up a conversation about DIY, pets or whatever with someone vaguely familiar then extend that into a cuppa or a pint, than it is a room full of strangers.
It's a good idea. We 'greet' our neighbours, but we're not really on speaking terms. Might be something to make more of an effort with, and it's something that I can attempt to take a bit of control with, as well. Subtly, if necessary,0 -
This is the problem. I haven't yet discovered this, aside from gaming and watching sport on TV, both of which he does at home (with rare visits to the pub when that first group of friends has time to get together).
One of my proudest suggestions was to volunteer as a dog walker, as he loves dogs but can't have one of his own. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to keen on that either. I don't know if it's his self-confidence stopping him from doing these things, but in situations that aren't just about socialising he's got no trouble approaching people.
Slightly controversial, but what about meeting people online through his gaming hobby? That's been a lifeline for some isolated/socially anxious people from what I can gather. It doesn't need to mean giving up on 'real life' friendships, but its some social contact rather than none.0
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