Care home wont accept mother in law

northwest1965

Basically, my mother in law is in an assessment home. It is only temporary until a bed becomes available at a care home we like.
One of the homes came and assessed her yesterday and they said, they wouldn't take her as she is aggressive.

She isn't until you mention care homes to her. She thinks she is in her 50's. She wants to go home. Every time we keep bringing up the subject she gets upset and angry.

Social Services have assessed her and she needs the highest level of care OPR2.

How have others on here handled a situation like this?:)

troubleinparadise

Dear Northwest1965,

Sorry to hear of your MILs problems - does she have dementia?

Agression isn't an unusual feature in dementia; but a care home that refuses to deal with that, or finds it surprising isn't the right place for her.

With well trained staff, and possibly appropriate medication, a decent care home used to dementia can manage, and many do.

White lies sadly become a useful tool - "just till you're better", "the doctors say you need to go there", "the house/flat is being worked on and isn't suitable for you to live there just now", whatever is appropriate in your situation, can help deflect the anger and anxiety.

Sorry if I've misunderstood

Goldiegirl

My mum had dementia, and she was in an assessment home.

It was clear she wouldn't be able to return to her house, so with the help of her social services department we found what we thought we would be a suitable care home.

But after a few weeks, they said she wasn't settling and was causing trouble with the other residents ( she was previously very mild mannered, it's always a bit of a shock to hear something like that!)

Anyway, they couldn't cope with her - my mum's social worker said that the home was more for infirm elderly people, rather than dementia sufferers. So we found another home, which was more specialised in dementia, and my mum settled perfectly there.

Try not to be disheartened, try other homes in the area, there's bound to be a place that is right for her.

jackyann

This is one of the saddest situations, and I found it very difficult to deal with. The assessment process is to make sure that your m-i-l goes to a care home that can look after her properly. It's really no good "liking" one that isn't set up, with enough properly trained staff, to handle dementia (I assume that's what it is) and all the the things that go with it.
Talk to the staff (I found them very good) and get support from the rest of the family & friends.
I am sure you will find somewhere; and she may not like it all, not because she gets poor care, but because she really wants to be at home. She will believe she can cope despite all evidence to the contrary. It can be very hard.

ognum

I think you need to consider this from the care homes perspective, they have to consider their current residents and have only a short time plus the information they are given to assess you MIL.

if they have no trouble filling the beds they have then of course they would prefer a meek and mild resident to one who would rather not be there and is occasionally confused and aggressive.

You may need to broaden you search area for the right home for your MIL and look for a specific place that accepts people with and can manage those with some confusion and aggression.

In the meantime ensure that the assessment centre she is in takes into account your views and hers while they look for suitable accomodation.

northwest1965

Thanks everyone.

It is dementia. She is also quite frail now and incontinent at times.

The care home that did the assessment was a specialist in dementia. It wasn't a 1st choice home for us. She had another assessment today, waiting for the outcome of that one.

GwylimT

It can take a while, my grandma had dementia and needed to be in a home in her later years as I was living with her but it became too much. She hated the idea of a home and would regularly tell me she would never speak to me again if I put her in one, she was lets say, slightly awkward.

It took a long time to find a home who would be able to cope with her, I know she liked her home and enjoyed being there from talking to the staff, she just made sure to complain about it when I visited.

northwest1965

The home that assessed her today, is really nice. It is more like a hotel. There is also an old friend of my MIL at the home. She went for a look around and said how lovely it was, but was still adamant she wasn't going there!

ognum

northwest1965 wrote: »

Thanks everyone.

It is dementia. She is also quite frail now and incontinent at times.

The care home that did the assessment was a specialist in dementia. It wasn't a 1st choice home for us. She had another assessment today, waiting for the outcome of that one.

It is a very worrying time but it will get better once she is settled in her new environment which could take a few months.

there will be a place for her and it is better if places that can't cope say so.

Good luck to you and MIL I hope the right place comes up soon.

troubleinparadise

northwest1965 wrote: »

The home that assessed her today, is really nice. It is more like a hotel. There is also an old friend of my MIL at the home. She went for a look around and said how lovely it was, but was still adamant she wasn't going there!

That's sounding a lot more positive, I do hope this home feels right to you as well as being smart - sometimes the homelier places can be better, but you know your MIL best and her needs and personality.

And don't forget with that thing about wanting to go home - home isn't always the place of the last few years, it is often that time of being young, happy and feeling well and living with their parents... and that need will never be met, however lovely, suitable or excellent care there is in the new "home".

A difficult time, I do hope you are able to make a good decision for you all soon x