Friendship?

DonGotti

I regard someone at work as a friend, but I'm not too sure whether she feels the same way. I am usually the most cautious of all people when it comes to making friends and although we are the least likely (outwardly) of people to strike up a friendship, I feel a strong affinity to her. She says nice and complimentary things to me and she was really nice to me when i started work and helped me to settle in. But then she'll do or say something that makes me feel that she just sees me as a colleague.

I usually don't care about this sort of thing and just go with the flow but this is continuously playing on my mind, even outside of work. Is it just the case that 2 people cannot have exactly the same feelings for each other and one is almost always going to feel more than the other? I don't mind not being regarded as her friend by her, but how can I stop this playing on my mind?

AnnieH

That's a tricky one. Do you socialise outside of work. Whynot invite her round for a girly night in and a glass or two of vino - she may open up to you more then:)

MinnieSpender

If you get on, why not suggest a light-hearted lunch one day? That's only an hour so it needed get out of hand if things become awkward. And lunch is lunch - a girl's got to eat! Find a new cheapy cafe or restaurant and tell her how great it is.

I met one of my dearest friends through work and I wouldn't be without her now for the world. I've also met some right freaks and weirdos! You know if you've got the potential for a friendship there.

Good luck and remember to keep it light at first. Friendships need to be nurtured.

DonGotti

AnnieH wrote: »

That's a tricky one. Do you socialise outside of work. Whynot invite her round for a girly night in and a glass or two of vino - she may open up to you more then:)

I'm a male so a girly night in is out of the question! She does open up a lot to me and has in fact told me more things about her life than she has to people she's known to years. But she's weary of making new friends...trust issues. And then she'll say something that's quite unneccessary and makes me think that a friendship is out of the question ie she may speak of how different we are, and the next day how similar we are. It's confusing!

Counting_Pennies_2

DonGotti,

I would say that is probably the problem, it is often difficult to have just a friendship with the opposite sex.

If she has someone close to her, a husband or boyfriend, then it might be that it just becomes a good friendship in work and that is where it stays.

She might feel you are coming on to her, and that is why she is making the boundaries clear.

Be clear within yourself what it is you are after, is it friendship or are you secretly drawn to her for something further than that. Then once you have worked that out for yourself, it really is up to her as to what she would want out of a friendship, work aquaintance or more.

AnnieH

Sorry I thought you were female. I agree with counting pennies. It is tricky when a male becomes friendly with a fmale. I'm not saying you ar coming on to her, but she may feel that way.

If it is only friendship you are after, then you may have to back downa it and let her trust you a bit more when she realises that you're not after her that way.

DonGotti

AnnieH wrote: »

Sorry I thought you were female. I agree with counting pennies. It is tricky when a male becomes friendly with a fmale. I'm not saying you ar coming on to her, but she may feel that way.

If it is only friendship you are after, then you may have to back downa it and let her trust you a bit more when she realises that you're not after her that way.

Lol. I'm definitely not coming onto her. In fact she regularly compliments me that I'm not like a 'typical guy' (whatever that is), and for having strong values. She's married so regardless I would never come onto her even if I did feel for her like that.

I guess I'll just have to take each day as it comes and see what happens. Thanks for all your advice!

sarymclary

DonGotti, this is just a thought, but this lady may want your friendship very much, but if she is married, perhaps her husband is the type that wouldn't want it.

This may explain the confusing messages you are getting, because naturally she might well want to nurture a friendship, but is aware that her spouse would not be happy with her if she did.

I have a couple of male friends, but I have known them for a long, long time, so my new partner has accepted them (one, incidentally, that I met at work when I was 18; he's 12 years older than me). However, I had a couple of male friends I'd made in the year or so prior to meeting my partner, and he wasn't comfortable with them being a part of my life, because he felt they were more 'rivals', as I'd been single when I'd met them, and he considered their intentions weren't quite the same. I was rather indignant about this to begin with, but with hindsight I can see his point of view, and I had dated one for a short while at one point (although he was quite harmless, and not someone I'd have wanted to date again). I had to respect the new man in my life's feelings, and reassure him about my own intentions about our relationship, so 'sacrificed' the newer friendships; a wise move I think.

Perhaps there might be an opportunity for you to meet this colleague along with her hubby, say at a work's do, or perhaps invite her and hubby along to something yourself, like a summer barbecue, and see if that might be a way to make friends with them both.