Advice please...

Nicci1984

Good evening,
I'm a regular reader who would really value your opinions and advice.
Rather a long story, I''ll try to be concise. Me and OH been together for 20 yrs, married for 10. We have 2 children, aged 4 and 6. My husband suffered some mental health problems before we were married but these were put down as isolated psychotic episodes and were not treated as a long term issue. He has been well for the past 9 years but recently he has suffered 2 more of these episodes and has now been told he may have bipolar disorder, we are still waiting for a diagnosis but he does seem to have many of the symptoms of bipolar 1. Since he was first unwell 17 years ago he was advised to not drink too much alcohol, and I have spent most of my time trying to ensure he doesn't drink too much. This is very stressful. I feel that alcohol could be a contributing factor in him becoming unwell.
His episodes last for several weeks, he behaves bizarely and can be violent-he tried to push me in front of a car during his last episode. I understand he can't help it as he is unwell but he scares me and I feel I have to protect the children when he is unwell. Each episode has resulted in him being sectioned and being in hospital for several weeks. I have explained to the kids that he is working away and they are unaware of his illness so far. This illness causes massive upheaval to all our lives, not just his, and I am worried about the effect it could have on the children in future.
The issue I would like opinions on is this. I think it is reasonable to expect him to do everything he can to keep himself well, including not drinking alcohol. When he came home from hospital he told me, and others, that he would never drink again, that staying well was his priority. However now he is much better, he is beginning to think he is going to be able to drink again in the future. I feel not drinking is a small sacrifice when I look at how damaging these episodes are to our lives. Am I being unreasonable to expect him not to drink?

meritaten

no hun - he shouldn't drink if it seems to exacerbate his symptoms. its like an alcoholic who thinks they can handle 'one drink with a meal'. they cant.
I think that I would make the home an alcohol free zone. and its non-negotiable. and mean it.
reading between the lines you have put up with enough - your OH should be grateful you are still giving him a chance at a normal family life - ask him why he wants to sabotage that for a drink?
Time for tough love I think - for his sake and more importantly for your kids sake.

Ms_Chocaholic

Just wondered that if your OH is diagnosed with bi polar then would they offer him medication which may prevent a recurring episode.

Nicci1984

Thank you for your replies. He is on medication now and has been advised that alcohol may reduce it's effectiveness. I don't think it can prevent an episode, but may reduce the severity. In between episodes he can be moody and snappy, then the next minute he is fine.
When he came home from hospital I told him I wouldn't live with him if he drank which he aknowledged and said as he wouldn't be drinking again it wasn't an issue. Tonight he has said he would always choose me and the children before drink. I feel that this is a cycle as I was in this position a year ago after the previous episode and he swore he wouldn't drink again then. I can't keep putting myself through this and my greatest fear is that it will affect the children-either through living with his moods, the odd behaviour, seeing him when he is really unwell or the chance of him harming them when he is in an episode.

Treevo

So he's choosing alcohol instead of his family? He's already tried to kill you - what happens when he succeeds? Or tries to kill one your children? What will it take for you to leave him to protect them?

geoffky

I gave up alcohol thirteen years ago because of many things but the most important was my family...It was not easy but necessary and looking back it was the best decision i have made in many a year....You can if you want to unless you have a dependency problem.
It is all about making good decisions....I would use that angle...

Nicci1984

Thank you Treevo and geoffky for your replies.
To me it is a simple choice but I wanted the opinion of others in case I was being narrowminded or controlling. I want the best for my children and have now to decide whether that is living together as a family or moving them out to provide a more stable life as just the three of us.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Nicci1984 wrote: »

Thank you Treevo and geoffky for your replies.
To me it is a simple choice but I wanted the opinion of others in case I was being narrowminded or controlling. I want the best for my children and have now to decide whether that is living together as a family or moving them out to provide a more stable life as just the three of us.

That's what you need to tell him, not us.

kelpie35

You have to lay your cards on the table and stick to what you say.

He has to choose you and the children or drink.

It is not an easy decision for you to leave if he should choose drink but there are people out there who can assist you. (Womens Aid)

I wish you all the best for the future.

Treevo

I'm trying to think of what I would do if I were in your situation and all I can think of is how I wouldn't allow him near my children alone again. It wouldn't matter how much I loved him, or how devastating it would be to leave him - he's ceased being the priority when our children were born. He can take care of himself, the kids need protecting from him. You won't be able to hide it from them for much longer, and I'm very much of the opinion that children need to be equipped to deal with situations - and if Daddy suddenly loses it with one of them and tries to kill them (as he did with you), they need to know how to deal with that situation to protect themselves. Obviously this is for when they are older, but for now, you need to protect them and only allow supervised access.