how old do children need to be to decide what parent to live with?

ATONKSY

Me & My husband were married for 12 yrs. We got divorced when our 2 children were 9 & 3. There was no way he was going to let the children come & live with me. Complete controll freak. We agreed that he would have them 3 nighs a week. Sun-wed. I have them 4 nights. Wed-sun. My little girl at the age of 3 was never really happy with this she has always just wanted mummy. This arrangement has gone on now for 5 years. They are now 8 & 14. The last 6 months has been very tough. She doesn't want to go to her dads. He is not a very man. She keeps saying mummy please just tell daddy that I don't want to go anymore. But I know if I say that he will just force her to go. That will just make things even worse for my litle girl. W hat rights do I have. Can I just say to him she is not coming anymore???? Is she old enough at the age of 8 to say. Who. She wants to live with?

Please help I'm in turmoil from sun-wed wondereing how my babes are. Especially after he has banned al contact when he has the children with him?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

See a solicitor.

neneromanova

You need to see a Solicitor ASAP!

Mazzarati2000

My father had sole custody of me ( in the late 80's), with me visiting my mother every other weekend. There was apparently a clause in the custody arrangements that at the age of 12 I would be able to choose for myself. There were many times when I did not want to go for the weekend, but these were for the main part usually influenced by what I thought I would be missing at home, or the fact that I knew what activities were planned for the weekend & did not fancy one of them from what I remember. There were of course other reasons at times, but the apparently fickle reasons I state above genuinely seemed serious to me at the time. I appreciate that your situation is not the same, but just wanted to give my personal experience as context.

Do you think she may feel differently next week if she were to miss a week? Sometimes distance really does make the heart grow fonder, and sometimes as we all know, routine just gets a bit tiresome & we want a change. How do you think your ex would take it if you were to explain to him her actions / requests? If he is likely to let his hurt pride influence how he treats her in future ( which would be awful), or to not take it well, could you maybe make an excuse for her one week & see how she feels the following week?

Alikay

Yes, see a solicitor. If things are tricky and end up going to court, a CAFCASS guardian may be appointed who will take the childrens' wishes as well as their wellbeing into account.

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/

FBaby

Does she actually says why she doesn't want to go? To be honest, you need to put your own feelings aside and consider whether her reasons are valid or not. If not, then you should encourage her to make it work with her dad, or discuss it with him but making it clear you are supporting him. If not valid, then yes, go to a solicitor.

Non valid reasons is that she bored there, that he is too strict (but not bullish), that he stops her watching TV after a certain time, or tell her she has to go to bed earlier than at yours etc... Valid reasons are that he shouts at her all the time (or worse), that he totally ignores her (ie. he only has them so he doesn't have to pay maintenance), that she is scared or whatever etc...

SueC_2

Obviously I don't know you, your child, or your situation. But I do know two instances that initially appeared very similar to this. In both cases it turned out that the child was saying "Don't make me go to mum/dad's house anymore" to both parents, and to each one appeared not to want to spend time with the other.

It turned out that when the child said "I don't want to go there", what they really meant was that they didn't want the upheaval/transition, not that they didn't want to be with the other parent. Most children (and adults for that matter) don't like change, they just want everything to be stable and 'normal'. Ideally they want to be with mummy and daddy all of the time, like it used to be before the split. But it's hard for children to find the words to explain this, so it just comes out as "I don't want to go to daddy's house". Once they're at daddy's house they're fine, and by the time handover day comes, they don't want to go to mummy's house.

I'm not saying this is the case here, but whatever happens, think very carefully before doing anything that destroys any relationships.

fluffnutter

ATONKSY wrote: »

Especially after he has banned al contact when he has the children with him?

Why does he do this? Do you mean that the children can't phone you when they're there? Do you speak to your ex at all? TBH, this kind of nonsense isn't helping anyone. You both owe it to your children to at least speak civilly about things that concern their welfare. And it's critically important that they don't have to pretend the other doesn't exist when they're with a particular parent. It's utterly unreasonable that the children can't contact you when they're with him.

See a solicitor. But try to look at ways to improve your relationship with your ex.