Feeling a bit low and no one to talk to :(

toffee'n'tom

Just needed to tell someone how I'm feeling today.

I'm 48 I've been separated/divorced for 7 years and the first relationship I've had in that time ended 4 weeks ago. We'd been together 9 months and he ended it. Although I knew it probably wouldn't have lasted, it came as a bit of a shock and I was upset. He was very kind and generous but everything seemed to be on his terms. His friends and family all think he's a fantastic guy, and he is as a friend. but it's different being a friend than being in a relationship with someone.

Since then I've not sat around moping. I've joined the local sports centre with my 16 year old daughter and go to exercise classes most weekdays. Most of my friends are married with children but I've tried to accept every offer of a coffee or evening out. I've kept quite busy.

But last night I went out with a friend who's not close - we've only been out a couple of time, but she is single and has been for years. We went for a drink and she persuaded me to go to a nightclub. It's not my scene but I went and I hated it. Drunken older guys and teenagers. I ended up getting a bit upset and we went home. I like her a lot, she's really positive but that's not what I want to do at the weekends. I will go out with her again though - but I'll pass on the club scene :rotfl:

There's nothing I can do about my ex, and I won't get back in touch with him, but this morning I'm feeling really sad thinking he was so kind and generous, missing going out for a lovely quiet meal with him, miss sharing thoughts and ideas with him and maybe all the other things that weren't so good I could have put up with.

My 2 children will probably have left home and off to uni in 2 years. I'll admit I'm scared. Scared of being lonely and having no one to share my life with, spend Christmas and my birthday with .............

I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year. My ex husband is now in a relationship (he usually spends Christmas day with us and I think I've taken that quite hard - especially as she practically lives on my doorstep), I have two brothers who live away and I'm not really close to. The only family I have locally is my 86 year old mother who will spend Christmas with one of my brothers. So I'm looking at the 3 of us going away for Christmas even though I can't really afford it because, quite rightly, all my friends will be spending time with their families.

I'm a pretty strong person and I try to be pretty upbeat usually but today I'm feeling quite hopeless, lonely and sad.

whitewing

Don't go away for Christmas if you can't afford it.

You have time to plan a brilliant Christmas at home.

Keep up the exercise, you will soon be looking fit and lovely, and feeling great, and that will bring its own rewards.

4 weeks isn't long after a relationship split so no wonder you are feeling rotten.

paulineb_2

Stop. Live your life one day at a time and seriously, its so easy when you really like someone to put rose tinted specs on when you are viewing them.

Ive been in one relationship that was really emotionally abusive and it took me a long time to get my head around the fact that because you love someone you can say, well this isnt that bad and that isnt that bad, when actually it was that bad.

And Im not comparing what you had to what I had with that person, but nostalgia is a killer. If he had wanted to be with you long term he would not have ended it and the pair of you wouldnt have had so many obstacles to get over and I also recall that you seemed to make a lot of effort to his very little

There are no magic wands. Im 44, I live on my own and Ive not been in a long term relationship for quite some time and yes it can get lonely

But on the flip side, I have time on my own to do what I want when I want. I have the sense to realise it would have to be a good relationship to give up my single status for.

Christmas is one day, thats it. And it can be hard when you are on your own.

A relationship is not a magic wand that will fix your life, you need to work at being content with your life before you share it with anyone and yes Ive fallen into the trap of thinking if I met someone nice everything else would just fall into place, but thats not true.

If you have a meet up group near you, have a look and see what they offer. Im not a clubber either, I do go out to pubs with my friends now and then and yes you get some people pestering you, but my friends like going out for a drink, its not really my thing, Ive been and done that and its not because of my age, Id just prefer to be in a pub for a meal even if theres a DJ than stand with aching feet till 3am, but I do it, even if its once a month or 6 weeks because it gets me out.

One day at a time and try not to look forward or back, its very hard to do, but as someone else said, 4 weeks is nothing when youve liked someone, it wont always feel like this.

thorsoak

toffeentom wrote: »

Just needed to tell someone how I'm feeling today.

I'm 48 I've been separated/divorced for 7 years and the first relationship I've had in that time ended 4 weeks ago. We'd been together 9 months and he ended it. Although I knew it probably wouldn't have lasted, it came as a bit of a shock and I was upset. He was very kind and generous but everything seemed to be on his terms. His friends and family all think he's a fantastic guy, and he is as a friend. but it's different being a friend than being in a relationship with someone.

Since then I've not sat around moping. I've joined the local sports centre with my 16 year old daughter and go to exercise classes most weekdays. Most of my friends are married with children but I've tried to accept every offer of a coffee or evening out. I've kept quite busy.

But last night I went out with a friend who's not close - we've only been out a couple of time, but she is single and has been for years. We went for a drink and she persuaded me to go to a nightclub. It's not my scene but I went and I hated it. Drunken older guys and teenagers. I ended up getting a bit upset and we went home. I like her a lot, she's really positive but that's not what I want to do at the weekends. I will go out with her again though - but I'll pass on the club scene :rotfl:

There's nothing I can do about my ex, and I won't get back in touch with him, but this morning I'm feeling really sad thinking he was so kind and generous, missing going out for a lovely quiet meal with him, miss sharing thoughts and ideas with him and maybe all the other things that weren't so good I could have put up with.

My 2 children will probably have left home and off to uni in 2 years. I'll admit I'm scared. Scared of being lonely and having no one to share my life with, spend Christmas and my birthday with .............

I'm not looking forward to Christmas this year. My ex husband is now in a relationship (he usually spends Christmas day with us and I think I've taken that quite hard - especially as she practically lives on my doorstep), I have two brothers who live away and I'm not really close to. The only family I have locally is my 86 year old mother who will spend Christmas with one of my brothers. So I'm looking at the 3 of us going away for Christmas even though I can't really afford it because, quite rightly, all my friends will be spending time with their families.

I'm a pretty strong person and I try to be pretty upbeat usually but today I'm feeling quite hopeless, lonely and sad.

{{hugs}} I do understand - your last paragraph describes me to a T today - maybe its to do with the weather as well - I'm sitting here in the middle of an absolute TIP - well dog hair everywhere, and I just can't get myself off my lazy backside to do anything about it I too am having a "poor me" day - feeling that there is nothing ahead for me - despite the fact that I had a lovely day with a friend yesterday and booked another couple of things for September and October and also have a holiday in Scotland to look forward to, etc etc etc .....today I feel that I just want to sit and cry ......

This is where I think I need to have my dear old mum to come up, give me a shake and say what are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry for!" I

pandora205

OP it sounds like you haven't discovered the huge benefits of being single yet. If you like socialising there are quite a few groups of people in similar situations where the emphasis isn't on relationships. I joined Spice when I was first single (about 12 years ago) and had a ball doing all sorts of things I'd never even considered before, such as hill walking, surfing and caving. I was in a relationship too for a few years (about 3) but it felt claustrophobic in the end so I was glad to have some space.

More recently I've joined Rock Choir and also sign up for day and weekend art courses, doing stuff I used to love and had forgotten about. I've 'volunteered' to do a week abroad with a language immersion course with Pueblo Ingles too which was fun. I don't like singles nights, clubs or online dating (not that I've done any of them for years) so avoid these and just do my own thing. I don't wait to do stuff with other people though, as the odds that my friends share my interests is quite limited. The gym is good for giving a structure when I go to classes (I've lapsed a bit but I do enjoy it).

The other thing that strikes me looking back is how important my career has been in seeing me through my single life. It has given a focus and status as well as obviously paying the bills. So time studying or training to develop the CV is useful too.

My children have almost all left home now (last one off to uni in September) so I will have lots of time on my hands. I don't know what I'll do for Christmas - One of the kids may be back, if not, I'll do my own thing, go for a walk, watch films or maybe I'll go off skiing.

Brighton_belle

I think what you are feeling is part and parcel of being human T&T. When I have had days like that, I learnt to acknowledge what I was feeling as what I was feeling and then try and distract myself, while being 'ok' with feeling low. remind your self that you won't always feel like this and as Pauline says, live one day at a time. Xmas is 5 months away - everything can change by then, or maybe it won't , but it is too far away, especially for one day.

I hated night clubbing when I was young, let alone now, so definitely don't bother doing that sort of thing. But the good thing is, you gave it a try rather than ruling it out, because you might have loved it - it's good to be open and not make assumptions.

I was on my own for years and years until I met my now husband and we married at a similar age to what you are now (we met at an evening class). So I get the loneliness. I do think you were right to not to settle for the man you have just split with though. Yes, he had some good qualities, but you didn't feel cherished and the best thing to ever happen to him and (further to your previous thread) I can assure you, you don't need to settle for less than that at 48 or 88.

the_pink_panther_2

Am posting to say I really do admire your strength. Others may have felt sorry for themselves after being broken up with but you didn't, instead you were pro-active and that's not necessarily easy to do. On the plus side, you now have the opportunity to find someone who doesn't have the cons your ex had. Perhaps try a dating site?

toffee'n'tom

Thanks everybody. I'll pick myself up again by the end of the weekend . Off for a bike ride now with my daughter (well I'll be trailing behind), BBQ for the 3 of us later and cooking a meal for my mum's 86th birthday tomorrow.

And you're right Paulineb - nostalgia is a killer. I had such an awful night last night (well the last part of it) all I wanted to do was be out with my ex for a lovely meal. But I know I'll have good nights too.

Days like this all I can seem to remember are the good things - and there were lots of them. Few glass of wine tonight and maybe I'll remember how much he irritated and bored the pants off me :)and our 'romantic' NOT weekend away

Errata

It sounds like you need to sit down and write a truthful list of all the different ways your ex BF treated you as no more than a convenience. Your description of him and his works in your previous thread described him as a total dead loss.

toffee'n'tom

thorsoak wrote: »

{{hugs}} I do understand - your last paragraph describes me to a T today - maybe its to do with the weather as well - I'm sitting here in the middle of an absolute TIP - well dog hair everywhere, and I just can't get myself off my lazy backside to do anything about it I too am having a "poor me" day - feeling that there is nothing ahead for me - despite the fact that I had a lovely day with a friend yesterday and booked another couple of things for September and October and also have a holiday in Scotland to look forward to, etc etc etc .....today I feel that I just want to sit and cry ......

This is where I think I need to have my dear old mum to come up, give me a shake and say what are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry for!" I

It is hard but please don't be too sad. You have lots of things to look forward to. I too am sitting in the middle of a teenage tip with no motivation but I'm putting that down to the fantastic weather and not wanting to waste it sitting inside and school holidays. So no point in cleaning till September :rotfl:

geoffky

A night club,Jesus that must of been a experience and a half...I think my life would flashed in front of me...
I am the same age and the thought fills me with horror being a non drinker as well.