Am I a mug or what????

jessieelliot

Hi,

I usually post under a different name but have changed so the person Iam going to talk about won't know.

I have two friends they are a couple and they have 3 kids they never lived together for a long time but recently he moved back in with her he then lost his job she works part time about 10hrs a week he is jobseeking and on JSA they are the biggest wasters of money I have ever known a few weeks back she phoned tax credits and told them that he was living with her her single claim was stopped and she was sent an award notice informing her of this because of the delay in telling them though the form showed an overpayment of £400 ish they apply for new credits as a couple I explained that the form they had been sent showed an overpayment and what would probably happen is they would be paid the money they as a couple were entitled to again and the weeks missed by the time it took to process according to entitledto.com they should receive £116 ish a week.

Anyway this morning the credits come through and it is £300ish a lot less than they were expecting and this according to them is all my fault they have faces like smacked ar**s and I am to blame now of course the reason for this is because tax credits base the payments on previous yrs income which was substantially higher tha JSA rates he gets now but rather than wait for award notice or ask me why they just blame me I am not nor have I ever claimed to be a benefits advisor.

Last weekend as we knew they were skint we throw a BBQ all food and drinks paid for by us was our choice and didnt particularly mind but that night she was saying how worried she was they had no food in the house and she didnt know what to feed the kids on sunday for their tea (sunday lunch provided by mum) I gave her a dozen bread buns and tuna and cucumber to make kids some tea felt really awful for her and quite guilty as its a while since I had worries like that and it is never pleasant anyhow sunday night she gets paid brings wages home bearing in mind that he had drank about 15bottles lager here on sat night he goes straight to shops and buys cans of lager he then gets £50 which had been owed to him and some of that is used to buy a takeaway costing £20 which could have fed kids for a few days.

So am I a mug for feeling sorry for them see its the kids really I feel sorry for they never have treats of any description a walk even which is free my dad has been over and took their youngest for a walk a few times when he has took my eldest out and he loves it and I dont think they have seen a park in months.

They borrow things from me ie my hoover which they have broken (the Handle) and never mentioned it apologised nothing borrowed my printer 6weeks ago it has not been returned and you can bet your life it has no ink in.

Now despite all of this I do like them very much and I love their kids they are lovely and I also know their finances are not my business I dont ask to be involved they have ran up £30000 debt last year on top of the £18000 they already had all monies wasted not a thing to show for it.

Getting married this year although not paid for yet totally but very extravagant do horses and carts church do big reception and this is part of the reason they are peeved about tax credits they were relying on it to pay for loads of stuff including £200 needed to pay for church despite having this in their hands at least half a dozen times since wedding was booked it all got wasted.

Thanks for listening to my rant MIL thinks I shold tell them to hop it I do like them but it is sooo draining being nice when you sometimes feel they are taking the p out of you I definately inherited my dads nature he is really soft aswell and has been left out of pocket to the tune of hundreds by my mums brother.

So how do I nicely ask them to stop taking the p and leave me out of their finances

Oh and just one more thing on day of wedding they expect me to spend the day with her keeping her calm and helping her to dress I cant do this as I have 3 kids to get ready as well as myself and I am officially playing no part in the wedding she has two adult bridesmaids to help with that I dont mind helping a little but cant b expected to do it all surely?????

Zara33

:eek: Look after your own family, if they are happy to squander money left right and centre then that's their problem.

Scarlett1

je just look after your own family and let everyone else get on with it, I have a friend similar who used to say she never had any food in her cupboards and she dont know how she is going to feed her kids, then in the next breath would ask me if I wanted to go for a beer

ktb

Are you being a mug? In the nicest possible way, yes I think perhaps you are, because you are obviously a nice & caring person and these people are taking advantage of your good nature.

My mum used to be a bit like you... especially with certain family members. Then after a few years it all came to a head and there were falling outs. Then she got breast cancer and everything was put into perspective. She now stands up for herself alot more and in fact the relatives have stopped taking the micky so much....

Look after yourself and your family... I have a friend who scrounged money off me for food & the bus etc but always made sure she had going out money and ciggies... drove me mental so I have just distanced myself from her - especially financially... I just say no now! No one would think any less of you, and you shouldnt think less of yourself, for doing the same.

calleyw

Mug is not quite the right word you are just too nice.

I would be straight with them and if they start to moan about no money etc tell them you don't want to know. That it is up to them the way they spend their money.

About the wedding she has two adult bridemaids they are there to support the bride in her day. Make it clear to her that you are only a guest and have a family to get ready.

All the best and try not to let it get you down.


Yours


Calley

looneyleo

Oh dear. I've had a few hard knocks from "friends" in the past, and the one thing I have learnt is that you can only rely on your close family. (Those you share your central life with). Everyone else, well don't get too close, don't get involved and just enjoy the relationship for what it is. If you have a nice night out with someone, well great...but don't add any strings to it... I've learnt the hard way that people take you for a ride and don't think twice about letting you down the next moment...concentrate on those that really are dear to you.

As for the kids...well do what you can when you can to support...but again...they are not your responsibility at the end of the day...

andyrules

Dear God,how on earth is it your fault?? It seems the more you help the more they will rely on you for freebies, just like they are the state. Tax credits to pay for a flash wedding? I don't think that's what TCs are intended for - so he guzzles lager while you feed the kids. :eek:

Probably the kindest thing you could do is get them one of these TV debt advisors, you know, like 'Bank of Mum and Dad' or similar! But as that is unlikely I would break loose, listen to MIL. But then that's just my opinion.

I'm sorry for you as I was in a similar situation years ago, realised afterwards what a ride I'd been taken for. Ask yourself - would they be doing it for you?