Life after an abusive relationship

Katy43

Has anyone got any tips please.... Nearly 2 years ago I left an abusive relationship. Since then I've done my best to get on and create a good life for myself and my DD. It hasn't been easy because I had used all my money to keep ex and home afloat so it's been really difficult to keep my business going, find other work and to guide our DD through all the changes

Because of her age there is still quite alot of contact with her dad. For quite a while after the breakup I felt close to physical meltdown on many occasions but tried to take a long term approach and things have got easier. I have to say that I think I've handled things the right way as our DD is doing well.

So now as well as coping with all the above I need to find a bit of life just for me and I just don't know where to begin or how to do it! There are times when I feel really alone and I would love to meet someone but how? I live in a very rural area and my confidence is just about zero.

I would love to hear success stories just to give me hope!

sassyblue

I saw you hadn't had any replies yet so I'm going to be the first to say well done to you for keeping everything going and your DD on an even keel, it can't have been easy.

What groups are there to join near you? New hobby or sport to take up? Above all else, make lots of friends/acquaintances you never know where they may lead. X

[Deleted User]

I realised some time after we'd terminated our marriage that my 1st husband was emotionally & verbally abusive to me on many occasions.

I was determined to never "settle" again and my lovely now-husband was already known to me, strangely enough! He was a friend of me & my family and it started as "fun" for a few weeks then grew quickly as I found out not only was he a great friend but the man I could live the rest of life with

I also live in a rural area and know the difficulties in socialising. Does your area have a meet-up group or a social dining group? http://www.meetup.com/cities/gb/ http://www.thesocialgroup.uk.com/ (paid membership)


Plus - something from a recent thread (also on this board):

pigpen wrote: »

Really?

........
Just because someone doesn't beat you or cheat on you does not mean they are treating you decently..

Move on and go find someone who does actually care about you!

Quoted for 100% truthery

I replied:in a relationship you should both treat each other as treasured and cherished partners or it's just not worth the effort.

And my secret is - if it's continual hard work and effort (despite the cliches) then it's *not* right. my OH & I are really good friends too, it's definitely not perfect but the few % of difficulties are outweighed by the good stuff, and this is how is should be, surely?

Katy43

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've been racking my brains to think of something that I can do. (I know that sounds pathetic!)

[Deleted User]

It's doesn't sound pathetic and you're not pathetic (abusive thinking!) - you've done amazingly well to make a new life for you & your child - be proud!

jjj1980

I'm been through exactly the same, OP.

I separated from my now-exhusband in March 2010, when my DD was just 5 months. He had been abusive in one form or another since I reached about 21 weeks along in the pregnancy. Well, to be correct, he walked out on my first Mothers Day,after threatening to to kill me!

I started to going to mum and baby groups at the local Sure Start centre and have been meeting up with the mums and kids outside of the groups.

I'm not at the stage where I think I could even consider starting even the most causal of relationships as my ex completely destroyed my trust in others but I have recently started meeting up with friends/work colleagues for meals etc. Starting to feel more like the old me again!

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Katy43

Thank you for all your kind replies, it's really appreciated.

I have made some good friends with other mums so I've been really lucky like that. The relationship I was in was very s*xually abusive so I think I've lost my confidence in even being around men much. I don't mean that I've become a man hater, far from it but I would like to meet someone.

I am trying to get myself fit again to try and help my confidence.

Before this happened I don't think I would have had any idea just how profoundly devestating domestic / relationship abuse can be.

GM11

Katy43 wrote: »

Thank you for all your kind replies, it's really appreciated.

I have made some good friends with other mums so I've been really lucky like that. The relationship I was in was very s*xually abusive so I think I've lost my confidence in even being around men much. I don't mean that I've become a man hater, far from it but I would like to meet someone.

I am trying to get myself fit again to try and help my confidence.

Before this happened I don't think I would have had any idea just how profoundly devestating domestic / relationship abuse can be.

just incase others are reading this and going through what the op has been through i would like to point out a couple of things.......
The OP talks about a 'sexualy abusive relationship'

well yes in this sense abusive is one word, but there are other words and they carry very very heavy prison sentence's. in this day and age NO ONE should put up with this!! please call the police, all police forces today take this stuff very seriously and offer a great deal of practical help and advice. thankfully long gone are the days that scum bags can treat women like this and get away with it.

second point is i know once its happened its hard to trust again but there are alot of guy's that treat women with respect so dont think we are all scumbag's

Katy43

Thank you GM11 for your reply and no I don't think men are 'scumbags.' The problem with going to the Police is that it's one person's word against another and I wasn't strong enough to try it. Apart from anything else I felt very ashamed. If you look at the 10 signs of a sociopath, that'll give you some idea.

So now I want to look forward and create the best life for myself and my DD. It's so uplifting to hear success stories!

xx

Katy43

No offence taken and I agree with you. My main priority is that our DD gets the best life she can and I do everything in my power to do that. We are very close, have great fun seeing friends etc and giving her good life experiences. She's a very kind and gentle person and I'm very proud of her!

I don't want to move in with anyone or rush in but it would be lovely just to have someone to chat to, go for a meal occasionally, that kind of thing.

If I'm comming across as a Moaning Minnie then I don't mean to!

xx

jjj1980

Dominykassmith wrote: »

I have a another opinion..hope the people don't mind here...i think you should probably spend a little more time with your child and think of ways to give him/her a bright future..you have suffered so much so just don't rush into getting into another relationship..i think you should work upon your confidence to face and tackle such kinds of situations in the future...it is just a humble opinion from my side..no offense to anyone up here.

This is how I'm living now, my DD is my whole world and the only stress I have now when we decide early morning that one thing we want to wear is still in the washing basket! We both laugh and she helps by turning the washing machine. If my ex was still around, I'd have been screamed at, pinned against the door, told how useless I was etc.

My focus is making the best life I can for her and me. We have been to Haven for the last three years running and going to Butlins soon. I found there were quite a few single parents there and with the abundance of other kids, my DD made tons of friends.

I've found the odd times I have felt down about what I don't have around me - a partner who actually cared, no longer living in the house/area I loved - I make myself think about what I DO have - safety, security that I'm no longer at risk and not being lied to, my DD is happy and bright, we have days out to parks. Just generally have fun together. Things that had maybe become second nature to me are all brand new to her and that is really exciting.