80 Year old Dad - Not Being Supportive Enough

[Deleted User]

I have an 80 year old dad who wasn't around much as a child. I had a mum who was hypercritical and just didn't have a clue how children worked so I adored my father from afar but didn't get much interaction with him. I felt safer with him. My parents divorced, my mum moved in with and married a man who used to beat us up and well, my mum supported his actions, saying we deserved it. My dad cracked up a bit after the divorce, he just wasn't around and moved to London (we lived in the West Midlands). Didn't see him for years on end. As I got older, I contacted him but its never really been a 'father/daughter' relationship because I know he just wasn't there as a nore adult person when I needed him (although he couldn't help it).

So now we come to the last couple of years. My father has had arthritis for some years, has parkinsons, is very deaf (hearing aids haven't helped), and a few other more minor things wrong with him.

The problem is I don't see much of him (although I now live a lot nearer its expensive and difficult to get there and back in time to pick up my kids from school.., one of them has ASD). We are all dealing with the fall out from an abusive ex.

But every couple of weeks I get texts from my dad saying he is dying from X and only got days/weeks to live. I investigate whatever he says it is and discover that if he has it, its not a death sentance at all. He does have a wife who gets very irritable with him when she discovers what he's said, but she's quite frail. He DOES have some major issues obviously with the parkinsons and arthritis and my heart bleeds for him but its like I'm facing his death every couple of weeks, panicking, then doing the research and finding out he's not dying at all.Of course, I am also concerned that if I don't do this, then I could miss a major issue that really is life threatening that I need to do something about and be there for him.

I don't want my dad to die.., and me not be there.., but its difficult to cope with his panicking texts too. I offended him last week when he told me he had woken seeing green that morning and what did it mean. I replied that even I didnt' expect my body to perform as it did when I was 20, that I had back spasms most days painkillers do nothing for, foot infection making walking difficult (stepped on a nail), arthritis, and had just discovered my abusive ex had lied and left me with monies outstanding I hadn't a clue about beforehand. But I still felt better than I had for ages because I wasn't going to let what life throws at me make me unhappy.

Oh dear, I just did it cause I was panicking.., I know my dad is going to die eventually but I know this was not exactly the most supportive message I could have sent (I did say twice that if he was concerned he should go to GP/Clinic?A&E as well).

There must be better ways of handling situations like this. I can't drive so can't just get in a car and scoot over there. I feel so helpless. I did get Parkinsons UK to do an assessment on him but he hasn't made use of their support services (refused them).

If I could I'd move closer but I'm on benefits and in private rental.., my chances of moving are zero.

Any suggestions anyone?

CustardAndPickles

Silly question I'm sure - have you told him how these texts make you feel? That you want to be there as much as you can but you have responsibilities to your children, his grandchildren, and that financially you can't be there all the time? How does he respond to that?

[Deleted User]

I did tell him that I had financial problems because of my ex.., I was visiting him weekly at one point but couldn't even afford food so had to stop that. He didn't really make any comment.

I am slightly better off now (since last week, it took a few weeks to sort things out) but haven't mentioned resuming visits because of the text I sent him last week that is now haunting me.

duchy

Is your Dad in a financial position to help you move closer ? Have you asked him to help ?

[Deleted User]

I don't know what his finances are.., he does have a civil service pension but he's not well off, just better off than some pensioners. They have dropped hints at me moving there but with the benefit cap, I doubt I will be able to afford to (he lives in the outskirts of Greater London).