Split up - ex an alcoholic - worried about access

hueygeorge

Hi All
Hope I am posting on the right board! As is usually the case this a complex tale. In a nutshell, my ex and I have a beautiful 2 year old who currently lives with me. We split up in March of this year when I found out he was an alcoholic. I always knew he drank - 4 cans in the fridge - I just never knew about the rest that were hidden around our flat. He threw myself and our daughter out of our home one night - council rented - tenancy in his name only - after we had an arguement over alcohol-related issues. He has since under gone an alcohol detox and we briefly got back together again, from my point of view this was because I loved him and I wanted our daughter to have both parents in her life. Anyway, he suddenly ended things again - no real reason given - myself and daughter have been living at parents sinch March. Things have now got nasty - I've had threatening texts/phone-calls from his family which I've logged with the Police, he has also not seen our daughter now for over a month. I need to stress at this point that this has been through HIS choice. Even when he threw us out I still tried to maintain his relationship with our daughter by chasing him and making the arrangements to meet. I have since given up though and no longer contact him. My main concern though is his access rights now to our daughter, I do understand that as a recovering alcoholic he has been through a lot - he also suffers from depression and has been in a crap place, for want of a better phrase. But at the same time, he has not maintained contact, nor does he contact me to ask how she is, and so basically I am now in a place where I do not want him coming back into her life and disrupting her wellbeing. It will be 5 weeks this Sat that he has not seen her and she no longer asks about him as she's only 2. I always wanted her to have a relationship with him but this is no longer feasible due to the threats that I have received from his family, which he was fully aware of but did not stop. This is a thoroughly sad situation as I never wanted to be a single parent, and I'm sure on some level he didn't want to be in a situation where he doesn't see his daughter, but the fact he doesn't bother to arrange meeting bothers me. Basically, I am now wondering if I need to apply for a residency order or do I just let him take me to court? As I have said above, I have never stopped him from seeing her but I am no longer bothering to chase him to make the arrangements. However, I would never allow him to have unsupervised access with her due to his alcoholism and the threats made by his family - help please! Thanks

gotnodosh

Let him take you to court. If he wants to have contact, he will. Unfortunately you can't force them. My Ex is an alcoholic too, he took me to court over contact as he thought I would get a slap on the wrist and would have to drop our DD off with him. Of course that didn't happen and he got told to go to a Contact Centre.

Unfortunately, alcoholics care about nothing else but where the next drink comes from.

hueygeorge

Thanks - yep unfortunately I'm learning that that is the sad truth - our daughter is amazing though - so funny. loving, stroppy!! I can't get my head around the fact that he is not bothered about her - I last heard from him last week when I got a flurry of texts saying that my stuff that was still in his flat - furniture, daughter's toys/clothes etc would be in the front garden on Saturday! I told him that I would hire a van and collect it but he wouldn't give me a definite time to pick it up so I never arranged a van - can't afford to waste £70+ on hiring a van if he's not going to let me collect my belongings. It hurts though as he also has a 13 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he still sees! Suppose this is because she is older and can arrange to meet him - unfortunately our 2 yr old doesn't yet own a mobile! Its just a sad, sad situation and I feel like the !!!!! from Hell yet I have never stopped him from seeing her. To be fair I don't want to see him but at the end of the day I am an adult and would deal with it for her sake. He knows where we are at the moment as we are still at my parents but he has never been around. If it was the other way around I would have been banging on the door everyday to see her! Do you think I need to do this residency order thing then or not bother? As far as I know he is now sober after his detox and has been for 6 weeks - its tricky as I don't want to block access but at the same time I don't trust him and my daughter's welfare comes first

gotnodosh

No, you don't need residency, I have it now but only because I asked for it when he took me to court for contact as he kept threatening me to stop me from going on holidays to see my parents in Germany.

If he hasn't asked for contact then I would just wait to see what he does. Would it be possible to have him round your parents and them to supervise if you don't trust him?

I can't count on both my hands at how often my ex was dry for only to start drinking again, don't hold your breath. Have you thought about support for yourself? Maybe try Alanon?

hueygeorge

Yep, people keep on mentioning Alanon but I am against it as we are not together now and I don't have a problem with alcohol - I love a glass of wine but I can stop there! To me If I go to an Alanon meeting then it means that I still have a connection with him and my old life with him, which I am trying to get away from - does that make sense?! I also received a text today from his other daughter - my step-daughter - who I got on really well with and she is obviously sister to our daughter. I haven't seen her for over a month now and neither has my daughter. This is something that upsets me as they both enjoy each others company but its tricky at the moment to please everyone. I want them both to see each other but she is only 13 and worships my ex - understandbly so - he's her Dad! I dread to think of the lies though that he has told her - I won't let him see our daughter etc, not true. Part of me wants to text her to arrange for her to see her sister, but then I know that she will then relay that back to her Dad etc, etc, and its just a bloody nightmare!!!

Mojisola

hueygeorge wrote: »

Yep, people keep on mentioning Alanon but I am against it as we are not together now and I don't have a problem with alcohol - I love a glass of wine but I can stop there! To me If I go to an Alanon meeting then it means that I still have a connection with him and my old life with him, which I am trying to get away from - does that make sense?!

While he's in your daughter's life, he's going to be in yours.

You may find the support group will give good advice about how to manage things - his contact time with his daughter, explaining his behaviour to her, etc.

FBaby

5 weeks is much much much too soon to give up on your daughter having a decent relationship with their dad. When my kids were little, their dad wasn't much in their lives, only for the nice pleasant part, but never for the 'chores'. We separated when they were little and I had to do all the chasing and the rest. Of course, he wouldn't have them during the night when they were little and would have woke him up early in the mornings. He would never pick them up from nursery or do anything that responsible parents do. They visited him weekly, but they were not one bit bothered if they didn't. Then my youngest went through a phase around 4 yo when he just didn't want to go, cried etc... of course, my ex took it personally and instead of trying to make the visits fun to encouraging him, he took the attitude that if he was a brat and was going to act like that, he might as well stay a mummy's boy. At this point, I did consider whether they would really miss him in their lives as they really didn't seem to be bothered then. However, I myself had divorced parents from the time I was 2, and my father always had a massive place in my life, and I couldn't take that away from my kids unless it was the end result.

My kids are now teenagers and adore their dad. They still get frustrated as he does little with them, but they love him and him being in their lives mean a lot to them. I have no doubt that it contributes to them being happy and confident children. He is not a good father from my perspective. He doesn't pay a penny towards them, never do things with them etc... but that's my view as a mum of what a parent should be, not the kids' view.

I'm saying all this because having been through it myself and with my kids, I am convinced that being a good mum is also doing everything possible to encourage a good relationship between the child and their father. Yes, they should be the one doing it, yes, it shouldn't be your role, but at the same time, your role is to make sure you do everything best for your kid.

When you say he hasn't bothered for the last 5 weeks, is it because you have imposed times/places when he can see her? You can't do that. He has to have his regular time and being able to take her without your supervision. OF COURSE, this is assuming that he has given up drinking alcohol irresponsibly.

Ask to meet with him, sort out regular arrangements, but make it very clear that as much as you will encourage visits, it is his responsibility to reassure you that your daughter is totally safe with him.

Treevo

Have you spoken to his family and told them what he's done? That'd be the first thing I would so. Your daughter deserves to have a relationship with her extended family but that's only as long as they are civil to you.

If you've got all the texts/contact showing that you tried to arrange contact and he's refused/ignored you then show them that too. Can you contact your step-daughter's other to arrange a visit for your daughter? Maybe she knows what your ex is like and can offer advice?

Joons

What FBaby says, she's right.

Joons

And don't waste any more time trying to `work out` why he doesn't want to see her, that's his problem and his conscience so stop it, concentrate on something worth thinking about.

Running_Horse

hueygeorge wrote: »

Yep, people keep on mentioning Alanon but I am against it as we are not together now and I don't have a problem with alcohol - I love a glass of wine but I can stop there! To me If I go to an Alanon meeting then it means that I still have a connection with him and my old life with him, which I am trying to get away from - does that make sense?!

Completely. Also remember that while Alanon is ostensibly for relatives, it subscribes to the "illness" model that excuses the behaviour of the alcoholic and puts his needs at the centre of everything. Alcoholics are totally selfish in their need for drink. You must not be afraid of being a little selfish in providing for the needs of your child and yourself.