Comments welcome, PWC + new partner vs EX

MonkeySaving?

A question... suppose you have met a partner with child and you have been with partner and said child for 4 years (child is now 7). Out of the blue the father decides that he wants parental responsibilty and a contact order with the child (partner suspects his mother has told him to initiate contact). Previous history with the father is not good, he used drugs (cannabis) in front of her, has been in jail for joyriding and drug dealing and his definition of a treat is "a meal at McDonalds". He also used excessive force for discipline. He also has an ex partner who has 2 other children who live in the same town (partner lives 200 miles away) however he has not initiated contact with them. Friend does not want to go down the route of poisoning the child against her father however would rather her not see him at all given previous situations (there are lots..including violence towards partner!). As the partner of the PWC (and indeed the PWC), how would you deal with this?
Partner has been to see a lawyer regarding court case however his (the lawyers) documents etc. were just a load of rubbish from FNF.
TIA
PS child is VERY happy in current situation and since the court letters categorically does not want to speak with "dad" (even though the PWC has agreed to "indirect contact")

Elle00

Okay, well I'd firstly ask the NRP if he would like to attend a mediation session to discuss the situation. This is not only a sensible way to go about things but would also look good in a court case if the NRP continued to make unrealistic demands.

As the PWC I would explain to the NRP that their child has been very happy and enjoyed a stable and loving upbringing to date. I'd explain that I was not looking to score points or make the NRP feel bad for what has gone on in the past but that I want the best for my child and am prepared to find a way for that to happen whilst including the NRP providing he is able to offer my child some stability and reliability.

I would firstly offer some supervised contact at the mediation session (through family or a centre) and look to review how the re-introduction had gone at a further session after three months. I would not allow parental responsibility because the NRP has not proved themselves to be a responsible parent and would point this out to the NRP in no uncertain terms.

I would allow unsupervised contact after initial contact if I felt there was no major risk and that THE CHILD was happy to be alone with the NRP.

As for discussing the matter with my child, I would go about it in a factual and as positive as possible way. I would make it clear that nothing is going to change and that Mum and Dad (step-Dad) will always love him or her and that the family and home life will remain unchanged. Just offer lots of reassurance and a bit of extra affection to fight off any insecurities the child might have because of this upheaval. I'd be honest and explain that sometimes in life people aren't always as reliable as you expect them to be and that sometimes it's something we just have to accept. It doesn't mean her biological Dad doesn't love him or her, just that he's not great at being a Dad like Step-Dad has been. Ask him or her to give their biological Dad a chance to share in all the wonderful things they do (school, plays, footy, dancing etc) and see if he surprises him or her.

That's the attitude I would take anyway though of course, I do not know if this is the right or wrong way to tackle this difficult situation.

MonkeySaving?

Hi Elle83, many thanks for your response papers were served on the partner without prior notice (apparently the initial contact request was handed to the partners sister for delivery), hence the peculiarity of this case. The PWC is quite happy for her DD to speak to her father but her DD just doesn't want to (via e-mail, letter or telephone), even though she has been encouraged to do so. From my involvment with said friend, she has done everything you posted. Surely a court cannot order a child to speak to it's father??

Elle00

MonkeySaving? wrote: »

Hi Elle83, many thanks for your response papers were served on the partner without prior notice (apparently the initial contact request was handed to the partners sister for delivery), hence the peculiarity of this case. The PWC is quite happy for her DD to speak to her father but her DD just doesn't want to (via e-mail, letter or telephone), even though she has been encouraged to do so. From my involvment with said friend, she has done everything you posted. Surely a court cannot order a child to speak to it's father??

The horrible thing is yes they can! It's so very wrong but the problem is that a child is not considered able to make their own decisions and choices, a bit like how a child under ten is not considered responsible for a crime.

If the child refuses to budge then I guess all the PWC can do is to explain this (rather her sol explain it) and go out of her way to be compliant and punctual in any communications with sols and the courts.

I'm afraid I haven't had any direct experience with CAFCASS but maybe someone else can say what the chances are of a CAFCASS officer speaking to the child directly and taking on board their views?

MonkeySaving?

Elle83 wrote: »

The horrible thing is yes they can! It's so very wrong but the problem is that a child is not considered able to make their own decisions and choices, a bit like how a child under ten is not considered responsible for a crime.

If the child refuses to budge then I guess all the PWC can do is to explain this (rather her sol explain it) and go out of her way to be compliant and punctual in any communications with sols and the courts.

I'm afraid I haven't had any direct experience with CAFCASS but maybe someone else can say what the chances are of a CAFCASS officer speaking to the child directly and taking on board their views?

Hi Elle, are you sure that this is the case with a 7 year old? I guess the reasoning behind this (and these are my own views) is that the PWC does not have to be compliant or punctual about contact, since (given the circumstances) contact was initiated by the ex. Going off on a tangent here i know but no court is going to force a PWC to talk to her ex? Even if they do, and the PWC breaks that order then no judge is going to put them in jail as it's clearly not in the childs best interests to do that.

smileypigface

Just my two-penneth, but if the father has previously been very unreliable and you think that he has initiated the request for contact because he's being put up to it by his mother (apologies if I didn't read that correct) then the point about the PWC being punctual and timely in replying etc is valid as it is likely that, considering the geographical distance involved that the father won't be on time (if he turns up at all), and won't stick to an agreed timetable of supervised contact (which given the background is highly likely to be the only contact allowed by the courts until he proves himself).

The PWC needs to present herself as being as compliant as possible to enabling a sensible level of contact between the child and her father - particularly as if he is being forced into it by his mother he is hardly likely to keep to the arrangements and will probably just disappear again and let the matter drop.

I think Elle83 has made really good suggestions and would agree with that approach.

The PWC shouldn't be forced to speak to her ex by the courts - she should already be making that effort (she needs to set aside her true feelings about her ex for the sake of the child) - it's for the mother to be seen to be making the right effort (to the child and the courts) - the courts will recognise that she has made her best endeavours to be adult about the whole thing (they conceived this child together after all) even if the ex isn't prepared to embrace the adult world of responsibility.

Good luck sorting out your situation - it can't be easy for you - I've been in a similiar situation, but not exactly like yours, so I can understand to some degree how you must be feeling.