splitting the home and the debt

headoutthesand

I didn't know this forum existed - i'm normally surfing the DFW board. anyway here's my story and all advice is greatly appreciated.

I've been with my DH for 7 years, married for 1. We have 2 boys aged 3 and 4 months.

The pin point of the problems was our wedding day last April. He got drunk and abusive, slept on the sofa while i stayed at my mums with our eldest son. The next day i got all the sorry's in the universe, we went on holiday barly speaking, but got through it.

We've had the same scenario every month since but the nail in the coffin (litterally) was at his uncles funeral when he got very verbal and even through his dinner at me when our 3yr old was standing beside me. He makes a fool of me all the time and for me, the love has gone.

My main owrry now is the financial side.

As you can see by my sig, we have about £35k of debt. I've had my LBM and he only had his the other day. We are going on holiday on monday for 5 days but i would rather spend the money towards clearing debt cosi know we will argue all week.

He is suspended from work at the mo cos he got arrested on a night out and charged with assault. Any chance of the regualr overtime we rely on is out the window as we are on basic wages (i'm still on maternity leave).

He has over £6k on a CC plus his share of the secured loan and £600 OD. He also has a £500 OD on his own.

I have £2k on CC1, £890 on CC2, £180 OD, plus share of the loan and OD above.

I think i could afford to keep paying my share and stay in the house but he says he can't afford to pay his share plus look for somewhere else.

He says he isn't moving out so my only option is staying at my parents house.

To be honest, although i've said i don't love him, i'd rather he moved to stay with his parents or something for a month or so till we both sort outselves out. I feel as though his stuborness is putting unnecessart presure on us too.

Can someone please give me an outsiders point of view please.

Fell free to ask questions too - i fear i may have rambled too much to make sense.

LilMissEmmylou

tbh if he is expecting you to move out with 2 kids rather than him he is very selfish. However, if you moved out, he would still be in the same situation surely? unable to pay for the cost of your house, which i assume would be more than rent on a studio apt?

If i was you though, if what it took to get away from him was to move in with your parents for a bit, then i would do it. No point staying there so unhappy, even if it means moving to less than a perfect situation.

*hugs*

Nenen

It sounds as if he is becoming increasingly violent and unable to control his temper.
To be honest the most worrying part of your post for me was your statement that he threw his dinner at you in front of your 3 year old. I believe that is completely unacceptable and will cause damage to your child... even more so if it continues to esculate.
I would urge you to go to CAB urgently... first thing Monday morning for advice (forget the holiday... maybe if he went on his own it would give you some breathing space) stressing the violence.

ailuro2

Is he an alcoholic, or is he just abusive when drunk?

Is he like this sober?

Sounds like that's the first problem he needs help with, and the other solutions will follow.

IT's a crying shame he's losing it all for the sake of a drink.

If he's the same sober then he deserves no help,ask his parents to take him in for a few weeks. (imho)

headoutthesand

Thanks for the replies - sometime it jsut helps to get advice from the outside.

My main worry was that he had started being angry infront of the kids. I can ignore him and let him sober up but when it's happening during the day i can't abide him.

My parents know everything - i only told them last week. They are quite old fashioned and i felt as though i was really letting them down when i admittedi wanted to through in the towel.

His parents don't know a thing but if they did - they would go ballistic at him. He doesn't have a drink problem - just a problem when drinking. He doesn't know when to stop and refuses to when asked to do so.
He says all the sorries the next day cos he knows he's done wrong but 2/3 weeks later we are back to square one again.

I sat down with my best friend tonight and i have worked out that we would both be able to survive financially if we split and paid our own debts but split the joint ones. Same goes for house hold bills. If he paid half the mortgage i would probably get a rebate om my council tax and i could cancel sky sports etc.

We are only going to Blackpool on holiday so if things get too much - i can always come home. I'm only in Glasgow so it's not too far away. TBH we are only going for the kids. My eldest is so excited and we are going with another couple so i can't let them down (holiday is in my name so if i don't go - they can't check in).

We'll see how it goes.

I can't believe i'm going cold turkey with no MSE everynight in the caravan.

Good job i've got my thrifty hints book and money diary to keep my company.

Thanks again for all the replies

swampduck

"He doesn't have a drink problem - just a problem when drinking. He doesn't know when to stop and refuses to when asked to do so."

He does have a problem!! Don't kid yourself!! Added to that he has an anger management problem!!

Well done on trying to see your way forward without him and his debts, dont forget that if you're on your own - you may get some help from benefits. Even if you don't - living without him has to be better than wondering what antic he's going to throw next.

Best of Luck

TheWaltons_3

I have got to agree. That is unnaceptable for a 3yr old to witness.

When your relationship starts affecting your children negatively, you've got to change it or get out of it. I know that's not an ideal, it really is horrible even contemplating splitting up for hundreds of reasons... but the children must come first.

If they see their Dad regularly when he is calm and sober, they wont see the bad side of him.

If they stay and this gets worse, which it only can unless he accepts he has a problem... you could end up doing serious harm to any kind of relationship you could have with him in future.

I really do symapthise.

Shineyhappy

It sounds to me like he has a drink problem. It also sounds to me that the situation is bound to get worse.

I would suggest that you get a free 30mins with a solicitor and see what they say your rights would be if you split up. I would then suggest you both go and see a Relate councillor.

newcook

headoutthesand wrote: »

If he paid half the mortgage i would probably get a rebate om my council tax and i could cancel sky sports etc.

is he moving out?? I only ask as if he is moving out and needs to get his own place as well as pay off his bills its possible he will want the house sold or for you to buy him out - why would he want to pay half a mortgage for a house he doesn't live in? - I know that the children still live there (before everyone jumps down my throat!!) and he should contribute to their upbringing but its possible you may have to buy him out or downsize.

don't forget to go to CSA as well to see how much he should contribute each month.