Contact with an older child

rachnbri

Briefly my situation is that there is a contact order (which I opposed to little avail) in place which states that my son should have contact with his father every 2nd Saturday from 10-4.30. My ex tried to apply for overnight contact, then extended contact which would have taken us out of the hours of the contact centre. This was refused on the grounds that it was unsafe for me to see him outside of the contact centre environment (long story).

In January, my son (who is 10) said that he did not want to see his father, he was scared of him and found him to be "strange" (all part and parcel of why he cannot know where I live, cannot meet outside of contact centre and why I opposed contact (I'm only the boy's mother - what would I know).

At that point I contacted my solicitor, she advised me to write to the court, quoting the case number etc and explaining the situation, which I did. I then had a reply from them saying "not our problem, talk to your solicitor"

As I'd already done that I waited, expecting him to apply for a new court order or something but it is now June and we have heard nothing, not even a text to my son's phone asking where and how he is.

Does anybody have any idea what the process would be now - bearing in mind that I have a very articulate and forceful 10 year old saying that he doesn't want to see the man? I've told my boy that I'll look after him and that nobody will make him do anything he doesn't want to do, but I don't actually know if that's true.

Any thoughts or advice will be gratefully received.

Savvy_Sue

Are you saying that your son has not gone to contact for six months and his father hasn't been in touch to ask about that? If so, that shows how strange he is ...

Can you phone the solicitor, say what the court said, and ask if you can apply yourself to the court for a review? At the age of 10, I am sure they would listen to the child's views.

mookiandco

Your ex would need to apply to the court to enforce the order. There is nothing you can do other than get your solicitor to write to him to find out his intentions. But that just might open the floodgates.

The longer your ex leaves it, the less inclined a court would be to enforce the court order. You are better off doing nothing.

In the context of court proceedings, children are usually deemed mature enough at 11 to have their views taken into account but if your son is mature then its likely the court would put weight on his views. A CAFCASS officer would probably be appointed who would be able to speak with your son to get his views and put them before the court.

Sadly time and time again fathers go through the courts for contact (usually on legal aid) but do not have genuine intentions. Usually it is a warped way of causing upset to their ex. So often, once the court has made a final order, it becomes clear what their real intentions were because they stop turning up for contact.

rachnbri

I think that is exactly what's happening here. He's on legal aid, I'm not so he's got me financially as well as emotionally over a barrel.

Unfortunately we've been in this position before. When my DS was 5 he refused point blank to go to see his father. My ex didn't make any move for 12 months but his intentions were never questioned in court despite me pointing out that his inaction did not make him look like a devoted father.

After a long process involving CAFCASS, a series of short supervised visits, psychiatric report (on him!) etc the contact order was finally made. I have to say I was somewhat outraged that even though the psychiatric report confirmed that the man is completely cuckoo (a bit more polite than that though) the court still decided it was in my DS best interests to have a relationship with him. They did at least refuse overnight contact and ordered that it should all be through the contact centre.

Anyway, since the order was made he has shown no interest in my son whatsoever and has (in my opinion) only turned up to contact visits so that he can continue to taunt me.

He tells my DS the most horrendous stories about things which no 10 year old should have awareness. He has never shown any interest in my DS's school, activities, friends and general life. I think this is what upsets me most. I know I'm biased but my son is a wonderful, intelligent, vivacious child. Since he stopped seeing his father he as also become so confident and self-assured. He is a sixer in his cub pack and sings in the school choir. I feel so proud of him, and feel that he deserves a father who will nurture his fantastic personality, not suppress it.

Savvy_Sue

I know it may be a bit late, but I would definitely start a 'before' and 'after' diary. So if you can detail anything which your son didn't want to do while he was seeing his dad, but is now happy about, then that might be worthwhile. Also if your ex does apply for the order to be enforced, and it goes through, then you'll have a record of how you son was while NOT seeing his dad, to compare with any negative effects if he has to start again.

However, the good news is that if you don't comply with the contact order, they're not likely to send you to prison. It may be difficult while you continue to contest it, but other people's experience is that mothers don't get sent to prison for not sending their children to contact.

Elle00

You've had some great advice here. I wonder if in addition it might help to ask your GP to refer your son to a counsellor to discuss the matter briefly? A counsellor able to say your son finds contact with his Father distressing in court might help your case? Sorry I can't be of more help.

Savvy_Sue

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I know it may be a bit late, but I would definitely start a 'before' and 'after' diary. So if you can detail anything which your son didn't want to do while he was seeing his dad, but is now happy about, then that might be worthwhile. Also if your ex does apply for the order to be enforced, and it goes through, then you'll have a record of how you son was while NOT seeing his dad, to compare with any negative effects if he has to start again.

However, the good news is that if you don't comply with the contact order, they're not likely to send you to prison. It may be difficult while you continue to contest it, but other people's experience is that mothers don't get sent to prison for not sending their children to contact.

Actually, to put that a bit more strongly, if you read the posts from NRPs on these boards, their perception is that the courts do nothing to enforce contact orders if the PWC just doesn't take the child or isn't at home when the NRP comes to collect. Of course we all know that there are always two sides to every story, but taking yours at face value and given the age of your son, there seems little to worry about.

The flip side of that - again my impressions gained from reading these boards - is that if the NRP is paying through the CSA, and contact is withheld, they may withhold payments or at least make things as difficult as possible. If you're receiving any financial support, be aware of that. Contact and maintenance SHOULD be seen as separate issues, but ...

rachnbri

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

The flip side of that - again my impressions gained from reading these boards - is that if the NRP is paying through the CSA, and contact is withheld, they may withhold payments or at least make things as difficult as possible. If you're receiving any financial support, be aware of that. Contact and maintenance SHOULD be seen as separate issues, but ...

Not an issue - he doesn't and never has paid any maintenance. That wouldn't be an issue if he made any attempt to be a real father but as he hasn't it is just another way in which he has avoided his responsibility.

I really appreciate all of the advice I've had here. I've been through this before with him so have learned from past mistakes to some extent. I've kept a diary myself and have also explained the situation to my son's teacher and asked her to keep a record of any differences she notices. I've asked my childminder to do the same - in fact she's sometimes noticed things which I haven't and given that she's been looking after my son for 5 years has seen the long term effect all this has had on him perhaps in a more detached way than I do.

I think I'll wait to see what happens now. It would be good to initiate proceedings and have the contact order overturned, but I don't think I have the emotional energy to go through the court process again. The flip side is that I'll always be waiting for the letter from his solicitor to come through my door if I don't act. Hmmm I'm still very unsure - as evidenced by my rambling I suppose!!

rachnbri

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

However, the good news is that if you don't comply with the contact order, they're not likely to send you to prison. It may be difficult while you continue to contest it, but other people's experience is that mothers don't get sent to prison for not sending their children to contact.

The scary thing is that for a while at the beginning I didn't have legal representation (just could not afford it) and was not being notified of court dates. One judge took great exception to my not attending and did impose a contact order with a penal notice attached, which would have meant I would automatically been sent to prison if I did not comply. The order was served on me at my office by a private detective type who had traced my work address (how humiliating!!). Through women's aid I got in touch with a solicitor who took on my case and had the penal notice revoked!!