My mother - advice?

Counting_Pennies_2

Can anyone give me some outside perspective on this?

My mother is a complex character. After numerous 1960 and 1970 experimental treatment for depression, (before I was on the scene) she isn't in the most spectacular health mentally or physically, but she does ultimately have people's best wishes in mind.

I had a difficult childhood with her, she hadn't had a great childhood herself, and didn't have a mother figure so had nothing to base her parenting skills on, I took the decision to move over 100 miles away from her to enable me to have the space as I became a grown up, she is quite over powering in terms of control, what you say, when you eat, where you are, what you are thinking, if she thinks you are ill (she can make me a hypochondriac by speaking to her on the phone for a few minutes).

Anyway, I popped back for a short overnight visit as I want my son to know her, but not get too close, as she is a bit bizarre! My niece and nephew who live a few streets away from her came round this afternoon, they often visit once or twice a week, and the control she has over them in terms of emotions (she makes my 10 year old nephew incredibly wet, plastering him with very overpowering emotions, insisting he cuddles and kisses and blows kisses, etc, then controlling whether he can have the friends around that were agreed to come round, I just look back on my childhood and cringe) I'm probably not explaining myself, I'm not able to put in to words the overpowering nature of it all.

But it is with my niece who is 8 who she has the most control over. She is a very sweet girl, quite strong personality, and my mum just commented on the socks she was wearing, my niece being mischievious responded perfectly politely but playfully and my mum chastised her so badly for her response, I cut in and suggested to my mum it was an over the top response, which sent her into a mood which I can't explain without going into 100s of words and bore you all. She later on proceeded to have such a go at my niece for other ridiculous things that weren't wrong, she wasn't even being mischevious, just a normal little girl. I just saw my mums face giving evils, being quite hateful in her body language and going off in a huff, which is her ultimate response to anything that doesn't go her way, or to her liking.

Anyway, the reason for my post is to ask if I should speak to my sister about my concerns. My parents have a huge amount of contact with my niece and nephew, my sister has always been prepared for them to go into childcare when she works part-time, either childminders, or the local sports club in the holidays where they do great activities, but my parents insist they have them, and go into a great huff if they don't have contact.

I spoke with my dad when I left this afternoon to say he really needs to control my mums moods and that he has to stop her when she has a go at my niece, but my dad says it is easier to leave it as to have a go at her will make life unbearable.

I have tried to quietly speak to my mother about it on other occasions, but she gives such a deniable response, that it is like banging your head against a brick wall.

I know that my childhood experiences of this very nature are probably blinkering my feelings on this, hence my asking you what I should do.

Both my parents wouldn't knowingly hurt a flea, but I just can't seem to get it across that this behaviour is wrong. Should I speak to my sister and risk a rebound from all parties?

starbump

I would reason that both of you grew up to be normal folks and that it's your sister's choice to allow her kids to spend so much time with your parents, knowing their behaviour as well as, presumably, you both do. Where the likelihood of hurt feelings is high and desired results low, I would rather do nothing at all. Perhaps someone else will have a different opinion. I'm sorry I can't be of more help but ((hugs)).

Counting_Pennies_2

starbump wrote: »

I would reason that both of you grew up to be normal folks and that it's your sister's choice to allow her kids to spend so much time with your parents, knowing their behaviour as well as, presumably, you both do. Where the likelihood of hurt feelings is high and desired results low, I would rather do nothing at all. Perhaps someone else will have a different opinion. I'm sorry I can't be of more help but ((hugs)).

Thank you for this, it is nice to hear from someone detached from the situation.

I guess my concern is I went through so much turmoil as I grew up. As everyone does as they find their way in this world, but I did have a particularly hard time breaking away from the control, and the comments of my mother that ultimately shaped my late teens and early twenties that I would hate to think of my niece and nephew having the same problems. But they are obviously spending the vast majority of time with their mother and not my mother so hopefully the impact is less for them than it was for me.

ailuro2

Be there as much as you feel you can for your niece and nephew and frequently let them know they can phone you or e-mail you anytime,even just to let off steam if they want to-tell them they won't get into trouble for this-that you are a friendly ear for them when Granny picks on them,because she used to give you into trouble too.:rolleyes:

I used to do this for my nieces and nephew, their mother(my sister) was, imho, much more affected by our over-emotional, always right- you could have done so much better than you have- you don't know you're born- mother (who was also not stood up to by our father:rolleyes: )

I have found the best thing for me is living a happy life with my wonderful fmaily,:D You have obviously been brave enough and wise enough to get away from her control.It's not always easy.:A It took me thirty years

Sadly, these days my family don't talk to me- I was always very useful when they wanted something but when I eventually opened up my mouth and pointed out that mistakes were being repeated with this generation my sis stopped talking to me. I chose not to have contact with my mother after she allowed my father to take a slipper to my niece who was very young at the time. She positively encouraged this type of punishment when I was small and I refused to subject my little one to that behaviour.

hollydays

While your mums behaviour stirs up emotions in you-it probably isnt stirring up the same emotions in your neice and nephew-as displayed by your neices healthy disregard for her authority.If she is behaving in a spiteful manner-the children will eventually reject her.Did your sister have the same experiences of your mum as you?

Counting_Pennies_2

hollydays wrote: »

Did your sister have the same experiences of your mum as you?

Thanks for that, luckily for my sister, she seemed to have all of my dad's attention, so I don't think my mum's over emotional state affected her as much.

My sister doesn't really comprehend the effect it had on me, despite numerous conversations over the last 30 or so years.

I think she had and has a thicker skin than I. My concern for my niece is that she might be broken down eventually, I didn't really feel the effects until I was in my early teens, so at the moment I think she probably sees this as usual behaviour, and it won't be until she reaches secondary school age that she observes others behaviour is so different. My nephew bless him can often display very wet behaviour to his friends which does leave him open to much bullying at school, and I don't think it helps when his friends see the granny's behaviour when they meet up to hang about.

Thank you to ailuro2 for suggesting I be there for them as much as I can, I think this is something they will need in a few years time, as I think my sister is oblivious to my mother, much as she moans like crazy to me on the occasions we speak, she isn't one to act on anything, so I don't think she will be much use when her children start to complain.

hollydays

It seems to me-some people arent good for some people.Thats you and your Mum.Best thing you did was to move away to allow you to seperate from her fully.Best "revenge" you can have for a rotten childhood is to enjoy your own life.If you have a partner or friends to support you,listen to their opinion on all this.Keep your visits simple,quick and uninvolved.If you feel angry at your Mum,dont bottle it up,and get lots ofexcercise-helps you deal with the stress.

Kimitatsu

My Dad has suffered from depression all his life, so I can really relate to what you are saying! Even now, I will not leave my kids with them for more than a couple of hours because I know that if he becomes really stressed out then he could say things that he doesnt mean to, or could be taken out of context.

I know he would be really upset to think that he was deliberately upsetting them, but I think because I remember what he could be like then I am more protective over the children. Its almost like having another child who doesnt always realise the boundaries of their behaviour.

There is nothing wrong with that, but when spouses have this sort of depression the one who doesnt (in this case your Dad) learns to live with it, in some ways enabling the bad behaviour rather than trying to fight it. I know that I will never understand how my Mum puts up with my Dad.

So you do right to keep an eye on the situation, and as has been mentioned before let your niece know you are there for her, but unless your sister broaches the subject then it may cause more hassle than it is worth - as you have said she does not understand what it was like.

hamletcigars

Sorry but I think you should voice your concerns ,even if it does cause hassle,your concerns are for your niece and nephew
Maybe your sister doesn't notice as she sees it all the time and it's become the norm,(it could of crept up on her/them,so to speak)you've seen it 'afresh'

voice your concrens ,the worst that can happen is they think your over-reacting and the best is they see this 'could' have a detrimental effect on the young ones in the future