a little vent...

WolfSong2000

To say I am not on the best of terms with my mother right now would be an understatement. I am back with my parents (god help me!) whilst I job hunt, but my mother has made it clear from the get-go that if it were up to her she wouldn't be supporting me in any way, shape or form.

Today has just been the icing on the cake. I'd made plans to go and grab lunch with someone tomorrow, and midday today she asks if I can spend tomorrow driving her around. I tell her that I have made plans, but try to be reasonable and say I will try to rearrange to accommodate her.

Turns out person I am meeting cannot re-arrange, so I calmly tell my mother that I can drive her around in the morning, but not to an appointment she has at midday as I have already made plans. Cue a full on temper-tantrum from my mother about how I am the most awful daughter in the world, how I must hate her for not being there to drive her around, etc, etc. She did exactly the same thing to me a few weeks ago when the same scenario arose.

Add to that a few weeks ago it was her birthday. Went out for a meal with her and a friend of hers (who I am also friendly with - lovely woman) who is going through a rough time and was feeling suicidal. Aside from the fact my mother made some comments which made the situation for this woman much worse, they also spent much of the meal sitting and talking about how they had both wanted to kill themselves and the best way to go about doing it. My mother added that she had in the not too distant past been depressed and wanted to kill herself and the family dogs, as she didn't feel her family (in other words my father and I as my sister is abroad) were being supportive.

I mean...for the love of God! I genuinely think that she is bipolar, or at least something close to it...she also touches on narcisissm, but isn't totally full-blown in that respect (though enough to cause issues).

Anyhow...just needed to vent as I have issues of my own (depression) which are in a large part due to her behaviour - growing up I was never allowed to buy my own clothes - sister was allowed to, no problem and my father took her on shopping sprees (still does), but until I became a teenager my mother insisted on buying all my clothes for me...still not sure why! She also regularly made comments about my clothes as I got older (the typical "you're not going out in *that* are you) and made derogatory comments about me to my face - often in front of my sister, who used to copy-cat the remarks.

I made the mistake of letting her talk me out of taking a job abroad and now she is moaning because I cannot find one in UK. I'm not a stupid person - I've worked since I was 14 and have a masters degree from a top UK uni. I never thought I would be back living with my parents in my mid 20's and it's driving me round the bend, but until I can find decently paid work I am stuck - and my mental health is suffering as a result. eugh.

Anyhow - rant over

**professor~yaffle**

You are really not in the best environment, is there anywhere, ANYWHERE else you can live?

WolfSong2000

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

You are really not in the best environment, is there anywhere, ANYWHERE else you can live?

Sadly at the moment no....I am seriously considering looking at another job abroad, but whilst the country I am looking at is stable (it's in Africa), the neighbouring country really isn't and is intent on invading country I want to work in...until I can be reasonably certain that's not going to happen, I'm wary of taking up employment out there. In UK, as parents live in home counties, rent is extortionate. I am trying to search for jobs further afield and am more than happy to relocate, but at the moment it's not easy.

sulkisu

WolfSong2000 wrote: »

To say I am not on the best of terms with my mother right now would be an understatement. I am back with my parents (god help me!) whilst I job hunt, but my mother has made it clear from the get-go that if it were up to her she wouldn't be supporting me in any way, shape or form.

Today has just been the icing on the cake. I'd made plans to go and grab lunch with someone tomorrow, and midday today she asks if I can spend tomorrow driving her around. I tell her that I have made plans, but try to be reasonable and say I will try to rearrange to accommodate her.

Turns out person I am meeting cannot re-arrange, so I calmly tell my mother that I can drive her around in the morning, but not to an appointment she has at midday as I have already made plans. Cue a full on temper-tantrum from my mother about how I am the most awful daughter in the world, how I must hate her for not being there to drive her around, etc, etc. She did exactly the same thing to me a few weeks ago when the same scenario arose.

Add to that a few weeks ago it was her birthday. Went out for a meal with her and a friend of hers (who I am also friendly with - lovely woman) who is going through a rough time and was feeling suicidal. Aside from the fact my mother made some comments which made the situation for this woman much worse, they also spent much of the meal sitting and talking about how they had both wanted to kill themselves and the best way to go about doing it. My mother added that she had in the not too distant past been depressed and wanted to kill herself and the family dogs, as she didn't feel her family (in other words my father and I as my sister is abroad) were being supportive.

I mean...for the love of God! I genuinely think that she is bipolar, or at least something close to it...she also touches on narcisissm, but isn't totally full-blown in that respect (though enough to cause issues).

Anyhow...just needed to vent as I have issues of my own (depression) which are in a large part due to her behaviour - growing up I was never allowed to buy my own clothes - sister was allowed to, no problem and my father took her on shopping sprees (still does), but until I became a teenager my mother insisted on buying all my clothes for me...still not sure why! She also regularly made comments about my clothes as I got older (the typical "you're not going out in *that* are you) and made derogatory comments about me to my face - often in front of my sister, who used to copy-cat the remarks.

I made the mistake of letting her talk me out of taking a job abroad and now she is moaning because I cannot find one in UK. I'm not a stupid person - I've worked since I was 14 and have a masters degree from a top UK uni. I never thought I would be back living with my parents in my mid 20's and it's driving me round the bend, but until I can find decently paid work I am stuck - and my mental health is suffering as a result. eugh.

Anyhow - rant over

If your mother is that bad, why not move out and live somewhere else. I know you say that you are stuck, but I don't agree. You might have to change your goals and expectations for a while - instead of waiting for a well paid job, you might have to take just any job. Assuming you are on JSA at the moment, you can apply for housing benefit. It would only be the shared room rate, but it would allow you to move out. The bottom line is that you don't have to live there.

As for the job overseas, can you really blame her for the fact that you chose not to take it?

WolfSong2000

sulkisu wrote: »

If your mother is that bad, why not move out and live somewhere else. I know you say that you are stuck, but I don't agree. You might have to change your goals and expectations for a while - instead of waiting for a well paid job, you might have to take just any job. You can apply for housing benefit, it would only be the shared room rate, but it would allow you to move out. The bottom line is that you don't have to live there.

As for the job overseas, can you really blame her for the fact that you chose not to take it?

I am looking for any job that will cover rent/living expenses, but I am either over-qualified or lack relevant experience.

And I don't blame her for the fact I didn't take up the overseas job - I blame myself for being stupid enough to listen to her. Lesson learned on that front!

Voyager2002

WolfSong2000 wrote: »

Sadly at the moment no....I am seriously considering looking at another job abroad, but whilst the country I am looking at is stable (it's in Africa), the neighbouring country really isn't and is intent on invading country I want to work in...until I can be reasonably certain that's not going to happen, I'm wary of taking up employment out there. In UK, as parents live in home counties, rent is extortionate. I am trying to search for jobs further afield and am more than happy to relocate, but at the moment it's not easy.

Intriguing...

I know most of Africa fairly well but cannot identify the countries: are you thinking of Sudan and South Sudan; Somalia and Somaliland, Chad... ? I cannot imagine how someone without much experience could be offered a job in a country like that.

In the meantime: as others have indicated, if you could find a room in a shared house or flat then you would be entitled to LHA which would pay the rent (arranged through the Jobcentre where you claim JSA), so overall you would have just enough money to live on.

WolfSong2000

Voyager2002 wrote: »

Intriguing...

I know most of Africa fairly well but cannot identify the countries: are you thinking of Sudan and South Sudan; Somalia and Somaliland, Chad... ? I cannot imagine how someone without much experience could be offered a job in a country like that.

In the meantime: as others have indicated, if you could find a room in a shared house or flat then you would be entitled to LHA which would pay the rent (arranged through the Jobcentre where you claim JSA), so overall you would have just enough money to live on.

Somalia and Somaliland - I have a lot of contacts in Somaliland and could secure work out there fairly easily, but the UK government is playing silly games with the region.

I will have to enquire about getting LHA - if I can and am able to move out it will be an absolute godsend. Thanks for the advice

tayforth

I agree, sounds like you need to get away. Your mother has been nasty towards you for years, and has encouraged your sister to repeat her cruel words. Your parents seem to have treated you less favourably than your sister, which no parent should ever do.

Sending you best wishes - I hope that you manage to escape and live elsewhere. You may not be that well off financially at first, but it will be worth it to have peace of mind and independence.

BitterAndTwisted

About LHA: consult your Local Authority's website and check what their maximum rate is per week for shared accommodation. A room in a house or flat is the most they will contribute towards if you're under 35.


I echo what others have said, it's a corrosive and pernicious atmosphere at home and it would be good for your soul and your sanity to get the hell out of there.

Dunroamin

WolfSong2000 wrote: »

To say I am not on the best of terms with my mother right now would be an understatement. I am back with my parents (god help me!) whilst I job hunt, but my mother has made it clear from the get-go that if it were up to her she wouldn't be supporting me in any way, shape or form.

Today has just been the icing on the cake. I'd made plans to go and grab lunch with someone tomorrow, and midday today she asks if I can spend tomorrow driving her around. I tell her that I have made plans, but try to be reasonable and say I will try to rearrange to accommodate her.

Turns out person I am meeting cannot re-arrange, so I calmly tell my mother that I can drive her around in the morning, but not to an appointment she has at midday as I have already made plans. Cue a full on temper-tantrum from my mother about how I am the most awful daughter in the world, how I must hate her for not being there to drive her around, etc, etc. She did exactly the same thing to me a few weeks ago when the same scenario arose.

Add to that a few weeks ago it was her birthday. Went out for a meal with her and a friend of hers (who I am also friendly with - lovely woman) who is going through a rough time and was feeling suicidal. Aside from the fact my mother made some comments which made the situation for this woman much worse, they also spent much of the meal sitting and talking about how they had both wanted to kill themselves and the best way to go about doing it. My mother added that she had in the not too distant past been depressed and wanted to kill herself and the family dogs, as she didn't feel her family (in other words my father and I as my sister is abroad) were being supportive.

I mean...for the love of God! I genuinely think that she is bipolar, or at least something close to it...she also touches on narcisissm, but isn't totally full-blown in that respect (though enough to cause issues).

Anyhow...just needed to vent as I have issues of my own (depression) which are in a large part due to her behaviour - growing up I was never allowed to buy my own clothes - sister was allowed to, no problem and my father took her on shopping sprees (still does), but until I became a teenager my mother insisted on buying all my clothes for me...still not sure why! She also regularly made comments about my clothes as I got older (the typical "you're not going out in *that* are you) and made derogatory comments about me to my face - often in front of my sister, who used to copy-cat the remarks.

I made the mistake of letting her talk me out of taking a job abroad and now she is moaning because I cannot find one in UK. I'm not a stupid person - I've worked since I was 14 and have a masters degree from a top UK uni. I never thought I would be back living with my parents in my mid 20's and it's driving me round the bend, but until I can find decently paid work I am stuck - and my mental health is suffering as a result. eugh.

Anyhow - rant over

Just to say, I don't think there's anything particularly unusual in the bit I've bolded - how could you buy your own clothes until you were working?

Are you fully paying your own way out of your JSA/savings?

LannieDuck

I'm afraid I can see this from your mother's POV.

You've moved back in when she didn't want you to ("my mother has made it clear from the get-go that if it were up to her she wouldn't be supporting me in any way, shape or form").

Are you paying her any rent? Contributing to household expenses? Buying your share of the food? (If you are, my apologies - it wasn't mentioned in your OP.)

In the circumstances, she probably feels entitled to expect a bit of assistance in return, especially if it's only one day every couple of weeks. So what if you have to re-arrange your lunch plans one day? You've moved back in with your Mum when she didn't want you to - that's a huge imposition.

It's a shame that your Mum doesn't want to help/support you in any way (and I understand there's history there...), but you're an adult now and that's her prerogative. Regardless of her feelings, she is nonetheless helping you.