Living together for financial reasons is hard

Auticko1

Hello

About a year ago, a woman contacted me and said she had had a relationship with my husband for several years and now they have a son together. He did not tell her his real name and pretended he was single with no kids. He stopped any contact with her as soon as he found out she was pregnant. She came looking for him at our old house and our neighbour told her my husband's real name and that he was married with kids.

I am divorcing him and if I could, I would never speak to him again. He does not want to divorce or move out of the house but does not love me. He has not apologized once for what he has put the whole family through and even laughs at me and the other woman for being stupid. However, he still contributes financially and helps with childcare but spends about 90% of his time elsewhere. This means that there are no arguments but all the financial benefits remain. When I was growing up and for part of my adult life I had no money, had one pair of trousers and one t-shirt and could not even afford a bus fare. Now, through working hard, my children have everything, we can afford trips, having friends over for lunch, toys etc. I feel that since we try to be civilized towards each other and there is no shouting in the house, the fact that I can afford things for my two small children by allowing him to stay in the house, outweigh the heartbreak. I do not want to live on benefits and tell my children, sorry, you cannot go on a school trip because I made the choice of not living with your father and now we are fine but have no money for anything....

I know that money is not everything but I have spent so many years not being able to do what I want because of lack of money that I do not want to put myself in that situation again if I can help it. I feel it is the right choice for now but it is still difficult to be around somebody who betrayed me so badly and feels no remorse, even if it is just a few hours a week...:(

floss2

Have you checkd out how much maintenance your husband would have to pay for your children?

Have you checked if you are entitled to any benefits?

Have you thought about the lessons you are teaching your children, that a "good" lifestyle is justifiable by putting up with an emotionally abusive relationship and that they may well see their father as an example of how to behave or as a future partner, because that is what they have grown up with?

tonycottee

It sounds to me that although you had a hard upbringing, you're far stronger for it now.
I think the main danger of you staying together is that your children may adopt a skewed view of love and relationships, by how you interact.
Although they get everything they want now, they may really struggle when they're adults as they will most probably base their relationship on how you carry out yours.

RAS

How much does your husband earn? You will get 20% of his net pay via the CSA.

lindsaygalaxy

Long term, the money will not outweigh the life you will have to put up with. Live apart, gain back your freedom and move on. He will have to pay towards your children and you will get benefots to help. If you can get a house from your local housinhg association your living costs will be less than private rented.

FBaby

But he won't always be there to support you. Right now he is fine with this arrangement probably mainly out of guilt, but what will happen when he does meet someone else? It is good that you have time to settle in a transitional period, but you will have to face the fact that you will become a single mum, and that might mean having less money but your integrity and more importantly, reassurance that you are in control of your life and finances.

I am not sure if you are or not working currently and how old your children are?

podperson

When I was growing my family wasn't particularly well off. We had the essentials but frequently had to 'go without' on things like expensive school trips and the newest gadgets. I will admit to an odd pang of envy towards school friends who seemed to get anything they wanted without question.
When I look back though I don't remember what toys and things I had, I remember times spent together and maybe family holidays were often to Butlins but I have some wonderful memories of them and will still laugh about them with my parents.
What do you think your kids will be able to look back on? Mum resenting dad but putting up with for their sake? A strained and awkward atmosphere in their home?

Of the school friends I still keep in touch with that seemed to 'have everything' I would say about 95% of them have had major debt problems, issues with their relationships with their family, and often a very material outlook on life along with an attitude the world owes them a living.
On the other hand I would like to think I learnt the value of money, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents as I really appreciate what they did give me, and my priority is more on the people important to me and being able to do something I love rather than purely on money.
Maybe try and think what you want your kids to see as a priority.

amyloofoo

Auticko1 wrote: »

Hello

About a year ago, a woman contacted me and said she had had a relationship with my husband for several years and now they have a son together. He did not tell her his real name and pretended he was single with no kids. He stopped any contact with her as soon as he found out she was pregnant. She came looking for him at our old house and our neighbour told her my husband's real name and that he was married with kids.

I know it's not the main focus of what you're asking right now, but do your children see their half brother? Do they know about him? I can understand why you could be annoyed and may never want to see her again, but this woman was lied to as much as you and has never wronged you. She seems to have been very 'strong' (hate that word, but can't currently think of another) in raising her child alone. It could be difficult, but maybe over time she could be a source of emotional support for you and your children?

I am divorcing him and if I could, I would never speak to him again. He does not want to divorce or move out of the house but does not love me. He has not apologized once for what he has put the whole family through and even laughs at me and the other woman for being stupid. However, he still contributes financially and helps with childcare but spends about 90% of his time elsewhere. This means that there are no arguments but all the financial benefits remain. When I was growing up and for part of my adult life I had no money, had one pair of trousers and one t-shirt and could not even afford a bus fare. Now, through working hard, my children have everything, we can afford trips, having friends over for lunch, toys etc. I feel that since we try to be civilized towards each other and there is no shouting in the house, the fact that I can afford things for my two small children by allowing him to stay in the house, outweigh the heartbreak. I do not want to live on benefits and tell my children, sorry, you cannot go on a school trip because I made the choice of not living with your father and now we are fine but have no money for anything....

You have not made the 'choice of not living with their father', he has made the choice to disrespect your marriage and family. If he is showing no remorse whatsoever and is spending so little time with the family at the moment, it's highly unlikely he's going to stay even if you decide you'd allow him to. You have the choice of sending one of two messages to him and your children:

1. It's okay to stay in an awful situation for monetary gain and with no chance of it improving.
2. Happiness and self-respect are worth more than material things.

Not that it should be the only point, but there is a lot of help for you and your children if this relationship ends. He is still their father and will continue to be responsible for helping to support them financially, and we are fortunate enough to live in a country where people don't have to risk staying in emotionally abusive relationships at the risk of being destitute.

I know that money is not everything but I have spent so many years not being able to do what I want because of lack of money that I do not want to put myself in that situation again if I can help it. I feel it is the right choice for now but it is still difficult to be around somebody who betrayed me so badly and feels no remorse, even if it is just a few hours a week...:(

You are being emotionally abused by this man, and I would be very surprised if the children aren't aware of it. Ultimately you have to make the decision that's best for you and your children, but I think you'd have to ask an awful lot of people before you found one whose opinion wasn't "RUN!"

Desperado99

Please go to citizens advice and get a proper detailed look at what you can do and what your financial situation would be in the event of a split. If you haven't already done so, set up your own bank account.

As much as you may think staying as you are is the easy option it isn't and the current situation will not last and you need to prepare for the road ahead. There is nothing wrong with being a strong single parent.

marisco_2

I am very sorry to hear of all your troubles OP. Your husbands actions are beyond belief. For him to have gone behind your back and betrayed you was cruel and to treat you with utter contempt. To be informed of all that has gone on, by another woman he has fooled into leading a secret double life and fathered another child with, must have shocked and devastated you.

I think you need to give a lot of considered thought to the predicament you are currently in. You advised us that your husband has never apologised for his conduct. Indeed such is his cold and callous nature, that he sees fit to laugh at yourself and the other woman whose life he has messed with, viewing you both as being stupid. This is the mentality of a man who does not have it within him to love and care for anyone but himself. He is his number one priority and will only ever be interested in making sure that his needs and wants are met. At the moment he is contributing financially but in all honesty OP you cannot rely on him for anything long term.

Your fears of how you would manage if you started again on your own, whilst being responsible for raising young children are totally understandable. Facing becoming a lone parent is an overwhelming and very frightening prospect both from a financial and emotional point of view. I have faced exactly this myself a few years back. You would find that there is a lot of help and support available to you as and when you decide to move on with your life. The good people on here would be able to advise you further on this. Your husband would also need to provide maintenance.

If you decide to stay put and continue as you are, then you run the risk of your children viewing the dynamics of your marriage with your husband as being normality. It is what they will expect and accept for themselves in their own relationships later on in life. You all deserve so much better.

I_try

As part of the divorce you are hopefully also sorting out the financial split. He will also have to pay maintenance for his children, this could be in the form of a lump sum each month, half of childcare costs and trips etc. Do ensure you agree a suitable financial split and get it formalised through the courts as part of the divorce.

You'll get there, it's going to be really hard at times but you have already shown how strong you are. The situation is not your doing, it is his, he made the choice and one day your children will know the truth and understand what you have done for them, but you can not keep things as they are, it will destroy you mentally and emotionally and they will think that this is the way normal families and relationships work.

Big hugs to you.