Advice on claiming from my ex

Shopaholicmumof3

Sorry for long post want to explain the whole situation, I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship since splitting with her father (when she was 9 month's old) he has never paid regular maintenance he first moved to Canada where he could not be chased although to be fair he did ocasionally send clothes over he then returned and didn't work, he eventually settled down got a job and started to pay me £20 a week which I was happy with as it contributed towards nursery fees however he then met someone else she got pregnant and the payments stopped straight away, He said he could no longer afford to pay me which I just left as his then girlfriend was ringing me up giving me grief saying how short of money they were and I felt guilty, I went on to get married and have another child it was at this point that I thought that actually some csa payments would be handy as I was on maternity leave and could do with some help paying for her ballet ect... as soon as he got the letter from the CSA all hell broke loose he started calling me and threatening me he went down the school and told the headmaster I wasn't feeding my daughter he also rang social services and told them lies none of which led to anything as I had done nothing wrong but after this we withdrew the claim from the CSA as my husband said it wasn't worth it as he was making our life hell. My daughter is now 11 and at secondary school and we are really beginning to feel the strain financially everything she wants/needs is so expensive I spoke to her dad about maybe some help and he said he would give me £40 a month which I said great as anything would be good he paid this for one month and this month I haven't heard anything my daughter used to go there every other weekend however she hasn't for the whole of may as he has been doing overtime he says he would rather buy her the things she needs than give me money but I hate having to ring him and ask him to buy things and also he never gets the right size/make and we always end up buying it again anyway I'm just really frustrated and am thinking I want to go through the CSA for payments I know which road they live down but can't be sure of the house number would this matter? How does it all work? He is now also married and has half custody of his son that he had with the previous girlfriend they have a brand new audi and when my daughter does go there she comes back and is always bragging about how cool her bedroom is there or how much they spent on their food shop/new gadgets so I know they aren't short of money which makes me cross as I would love to be able to decorate her room, buy her nice things but all our money goes on putting a roof over our heads and food on the table! Has anyone else ever had any experience claiming csa with a bullying ex? Its hard because I try and get on with him for my daughters sake but I know as soon as I get in touch with the CSA he will turn nasty and it won't be nice for her but on the other hand I want her to have what she deserves. any advice would be much appreciated I have found the number for the CSA but am nervous to ring them. My husband has told me not to claim as he doesn't want the hassle or for it to impact our other children with the stress just don't know what to do.

sfm82

I am sorry to hear you are having trouble with your daughter father it's a shame when things turn out this way.

First off you need to stop focusing on all the things he has it will just make you bitter.

The main thing that is putting you off from applying for maintenance through the csa is your ex's abusive behaviour from the last time. Did you report this behaviour to the police when it last happened?

Basically the question you need to ask yourself is are you willing or strong enough to put up with what can only be described as his tantrum when he gets the letter from the CSA?

If it were me I would, I would keep a record of all his abusive behavior and report it to the police every time it happens. I would also warn the school that he may approach them. If his trips to the social services didn't work the last time they wont this time either.

Is he self employed?

The CSA don't need an address to get in contact with him as they have access to all sorts of databases to locate his whereabouts.

onetomany

i would claim hun ive left my bulling x went csa and hes kicked of noe hes taking me court just stand up to him go csa if he says anything just tell him to contact csa dont discuss with kids then it shouldnt affect them

guruchelles

Take a deep breath.

This is basically what the CSA is there for. If everyone had good relationships with their ex partners we wouldn't need them at all.

It's ultimately up to you whether you go down the CSA route or not, but it sounds to me like your ex is the one calling all the shots. It also sounds like he has got away with paying a fraction of what he should have. That isn't fair on your daughter.

The reason that your ex kicks off when you start CSA proceedings is that he knows he can't get one over on them, whereas he can get away with fobbing you off as much as he likes. He isn't your partner anymore and you don't need to put up with him controlling you anymore.

If you were to go ahead with the CSA claim the worst he could actually do is badmouth you to your daughter. She's 11, so it's likely that she'll understand if you tell her matter-of-factly that parents who don't live with children have to pay some money and the government decides how much. If he wants to involve social services again then let him. They'll be able to see that you're a good Mum quickly enough and they're probably used to ex partners throwing toys out of their prams.

My suggestion would be, as a first port of call, to sit down with your current partner and have a full and frank discussion. You'll need emotional support to be able to deal with the (temporary) fall out from involving the CSA so it would be best if your partner was on the same page as you. Point out that your ex is blatantly expecting your current partner (and you) to pick up his financial slack in not caring for your daughter. Regardless of the actual amount of money that comes to you in the end, surely ensuring that your ex can no longer take the financial mick out of you both is 'worth it'.

As I say, it's ultimately up to you. Whatever you decide you'll have to have conviction in it. Just remember, though, you don't make the rules - the government does. It's not your fault if they are hard up (or not as the case may be). Your ex made his choices (to have your daughter, to get whatever job he has, to have another relationship) not you.

Don't let this man own you, or your decisions, anymore.

marleyboy

I would not concern myself with himself or his partners inability to make ends meet. He can kick and stamp his feet as much as he likes to the CSA, ultimately it is upto THEM how much he WILL pay, not your discretion nor indeed his new partners interference.

Let him make idle threats, let him throw his dummy as far from his pram as possible, his finances are HIS problem and not yours.

FBaby

What can you at least attempt a better arrangement with him. Explain that you are struggling with her financial demands which has now increased much this year with (provide a vague list of items as examples) and that you need more than £40 a month and most importantly for it to be regular.

Say that you would prefer to do things amicably but that if you can't agree on an amount and method of payment, you will be left with no choice but to go to the csa, not to punish him, but because that is what the government is expecting of him. That if that makes him angry, that he should take it with the authorities, not with you who has been extremely flexible all those years.

kevin137

Personally i would hang him out to dry, bully boy tactics with threats and no money... Consider the CSA no more, DO IT, and the 1st time he does or says anything to you call the police and seek an injunction...!!!

Be done with it... He is not interested in being amicable, he is interested in not giving you money so there is more in his pocket...!!!

clearingout

You have nothing to lose - assuming he's not self employed. If either your ex or his new partner start harassing you as a result of going to the CSA, you simply keep their texts/e-mails/voicemails and report them to the police for harassment. Things might be horrible for a few weeks, he'll probably deny being their father subjecting everyone to a DNA test, but eventually he'll have to pay and pay the arrears as well. Let it wash over you. You and your husband have done more than enough and will continue to provide for your daughter but he also has an obligation so make him face it.

Shopaholicmumof3

Thanks for all of your replies, Has made me feel better about ringing the CSA, I have text him about the lack of payment and tried to ring him 4 times in the last week we had promised my daughter new dancing shoes with the money that he was supposed to pay last month so every time she asks me for them it reminds me that he hasn't paid it!! I tried speaking to my husband about going through the CSA earlier and he got cross and said not to bother as last time was so awful and he isn't sure what my ex is capable of and doesn't want to be worrying. I said I wasn't going to let him bully us but hes not convinced he hates confrontation and hates how my ex acts. Anyway I bit the bullet and rang the CSA they were really nice and said that there was actually a case already open and that they would ring my ex and just re acess his earnings? I said I don't want to back date it and to just do it from now as I'm pretty sure this case they are talking about will be the one I opened back in 2008 when he bullied us into stopping it. They have told me to ring them back in 2 weeks and they will update me. So now every time I get a txt or the phone rings I'm on edge especially as my husband doesn't know I have rang them! I know I should of got him to agree first but he is just scared like me which makes me angry as it shouldn't be like that. I will do what you have said though and keep txts notes of any threatening behavior fingers crossed it doesn't get too bad, I'm wondering whether to try and ring him again and just let him know what I have done and just get it all over with or whether to just let them make contact with him? Also do the CSA take a cut of the money he pays because that's what he has always told me before that they take a big cut and that's another reason why he is so dead against it? although to be honest whether they take a cut or not is irrelevant at least it will be regular payment if they are collecting it.

clearingout

No. The CSA don't take a 'cut' of any money he pays. This is set to change - but not something to worry about at the moment. It is currently a free service and you will receive every penny of the money he pays.

guruchelles

Ha! My ex also tried the 'the CSA take a cut of the money' tactic to try to get me not to go through them!

The reality is that IF they eventually go through with charging for the service they'll charge you AND they'll charge him. This won't be for years, though. Don't worry about it.

Well done for making the call. If there is a case already open then they may well backdate. With my case they did this. They came up with a figure that he should have paid between 2007 and now and then asked us both how much he actually paid and the rest is arrears.

It's a shame that your current partner isn't backing you up yet. Do you have any other family or friends who can support you?

Remember to take notes everytime you call the CSA and date the notes.

You've made a good move.