Advice required - feeling disillusioned with life...

copycopy

Would love some advice and perspective from you lovely MSEers (not using my usual log in). Thank you in advance for reading (I've tried to keep it brief)!

I'm in my thirties, single and live alone. I have a close family who I get on well with (most of the time!) but live some distance from. I have a close friend (who I met internet dating) who I see regularly and go away with in the UK and overseas. My childhood best friend is married with a small child so I don't get to spend any time just with them I see them as part of their family regularly.

I have a couple of local people I see socially but would not consider 'real' friends IYKWIM. I spend time out on events with a social networking site and have met people but not really developed any friendships through this. I have lived in this area for about 3 years.

I have been single for 2 1/2 years and have dated someone for a short period since then and been on a few dates with people from internet dating sites in this time, some who have been lovely but not that special someone. I don't seem to be attracting anyone who I am really interested in IYSWIM.

Had recent promotions at work but feel that this is because I was the least worse of the available options (hope that makes sense?) Atmosphere and tensions as well as morale is low in team (and has been since long before the management changed). I am learning loads through this but do not feel in control of where I am at work due to changes being implemented by senior management. I am working long hours as well as at home but not sure I am doing as effective a job as I would like to be

Feeling isolated and lonely at times and ungrateful given that I am free and single and have disposable income to have fun with. I travel regularly and I am lucky in many ways.

I am really hoping for some outside perspective and suggestions to give myself a kick up the a***

caeler

I see so many similarities in your post with me at the moment. I think I've been stuck in a rut but feel guilty for being low as I do pretty well for myself. I didn't think I was lonely, unhappy or even jealous of my married friends who have started a family but I must be. I'm still working through this but for me I've been connecting with my family and making an effort to talk about how I'm feeling. Talking helps me. I'm trying to encourage myself to have a positive mental attitude to work and life so I can cope with everything better. I'm also looking for a project to keep myself busy, I've decided it is the garden - hard labour should keep me out of trouble!

Does your employer offer any employee wellbeing style counselling? It might be you just need somebody to listen, somebody who is trained to listen and help you work through whatever it is that your going through. My place offers one and I'm working up the courage to make the call!

Errata

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fluffnutter

Is there no chance of a relationship with the friend you met internet dating? IME, that 'spark' is overrated. I thought about what would make a nice partner and looked around for someone who met the criteria. I've now been happily married for nearly six years

copycopy

fluffnutter wrote: »

Is there no chance of a relationship with the friend you met internet dating? IME, that 'spark' is overrated. I thought about what would make a nice partner and looked around for someone who met the criteria. I've now been happily married for nearly six years

So pleased you found someone that makes you happy

Previous relationships have started really well but months or years in I have lost my way somewhere. I think I've loved them at the time but with reflection I don't think I've ever been in love or felt like I can see myself with them when I'm old There are people I know that seem to have this - maybe I'm being unrealistic - some of the threads on here have cemented my belief that everyone deserves to feel like this about someone, and not necessary a spark, but a something!!:D This person doesn't do this for me!

Netwizard

I can relate to this post as im also (nearly) 30, always been single (no dates, no one night stands, nothing! Nada, not for lack of trying either. Just people cant see past my disability). I have a fairly decent job with plenty of oppourtunity for social jollies out, however, I tend not to mix work and pleasure, as I have seen this go very wrong in the past.

I do have one or 2 bloody good friends and a few good female friends, so its nice to have that company, but having female friends and girlfriends is different. I do sometimes long for that affection and love.

However,. Ive seen peoples relationships at work go belly up. All my school / college friends have settled down so I dont see them too often anymore. They all have kids (or are planning it), and are skint, and threads on this very forum have shown that a lot of the time, even the very best of relationships break down. It all seems a LOT of hassle at times.

So now I embrace the single life, despite the fact I still live with parents, I will go away. I sit typing this from a balcony in Nice overlooking the port area. Did the monaco GP at the weekend. Im here for another week, which involves looking at a possible house purchase, then back to the uk for the touring cars at oulton park before heading back to france for le mans in a few weeks.

Its cost me a fair few quid, but while all of my friends (some happy, some not so happy) spend all their money on their wives/girlfriends or nappies for their screaming sprogs, I am quite content spending my money on me.

Sure there are lonely times, but its so refreshing to be able to go out for a beer when you want, take some annual leave on a spur of the moment basis and jet off somewhere, on your own, with your own itinerary and no one else to satisfy, or just kick back at home on a friday night after work, with a vodka, a chinese and whatever trash tv is on.

The way I see it, there are more advantages to single life than being in a relationship (some of my married work colleagues agree!) but obviously some people will see things differently. Life would be boring if we all followed the same track in life.

You sound like you have the time and funds to go travelling and enjoy yourself, so do it while you can. At least when your on your deathbed, you wont regret going on the holidays and having lots of me time, whereas if you dont do it while you have the chance, you may regret it.

There will be people who are married or have commitments like kids, that would long to be in our position.

caeler

Netwizard - Pretty fantastic trip to take! All I got to watch was the damn highlights! ;-) On a serious note I feel your pain about work socialising, I've never mixed the two so I've struggled to make lots of new friends since starting work. I'm still in touch with school/college friends but all are married and started families and we've sadly started growing apart.

Copycopy - I've tried focusing less on being in a relationship. I'm not pursuing anything purposefully. I'd rather be happy and confident in myself rather than needing somebody before I'm ready for another relationship. I also think spark is overrated but your right there has to be *something*.

copycopy

Netwizard - thank you for your thoughts, your trip does sound fun! I too do lots of things, and I don't regret them life is for living but I would like to share them! It's not specifically age or not being in a relationship - it's cumulative I think I'm just having a wobble! I've felt like this on and off for a few years and pull myself out of it then it seems to cycle again - hope that makes sense!

Caeler - Work does have a employee phone service like yours, I am a bit scared to actually call it too I've tried focussing on being happy and confident and sometimes I am. At the moment I'm not; probably the reason I posted.

nlj1520

Although I love being single and living alone, about 4 years ago I met a man through internet dating who also loves living alone and we have a very happy relationship where we spend maybe 3 or 4 nights a week together and go on holiday together, but maintain our own homes. I consider myself really lucky to have met someone who I adore and who shares my love of solitude.
I originally went on the internet dating sites to get some male company, I have plenty of female friends, but enjoy the male perspective on the world. I met a lot of rather odd people, some lovely men and my partner. A few shortish relationships on the way.
My perspective for the OP would be to continue with the internet dating, but with quite a light-hearted approach. I'm sure you know the way to survive this activity is to keep your sense of humour! I could write a book about some of the experiences I had!
What about pursuing a new field of study? Evening classes, summer schools or weekend workshops. I have done various subjects and enjoyed them all........Psychology, history of art, design, sketchbooks, the RHS general certificate in horticulture and my partner has done Philosophy, Psychology and various archeology/history courses. It's nothing too serious, just a way to use your mind in a new way. I ahve also recently started weight training....another totally new thing for me. New activities can really help you te feel alive.
Good luck with getting your life back on track.

valk_scot

What hobbies and outside interests do you have? Sports? How do you spend your free time?

Nottoobadyet

Have you considered moving? Could you take the experience from your promotions at work and snag a good job in a more positive environment? Maybe in a city that inspires you and has a bigger singles scene?

Life is funny, isn't it? Im in the opposite boat - I'm 25, have a career in hyper drive, live in exotic places for work and have essentially never been single. But I suffer the same feeling of drifting discontent. I think sometimes it has nothing to do with your outside stimuli and is more about your internal state of affairs. I've yet to get it right but I wish you the best of luck!