Long distance and its discontents

Nottoobadyet

Hello everyone.

Well good news first - I've gotten a big promotion at work :beer: Huge step up career wise in just the direction I want to go, big fat raise, better benefits. :T Its a two year contract with excellent opportunities thereafter.

The trouble is that it will be based in Papua New Guinea _pale_ Though its literally the end of the earth and has many problems of its own, I'm very eager to go explore a different part of the world.

When I started pursuing this promotion (I applied and interviewed internally) I of course discussed it with my partner and he indicated that he was up for a change and would be open to coming. He has been working extremely hard (at least six days a week) on two companies which he is getting started, but neither make him a living at the moment and I have been covering all of the bills for the last few months. It seemed like an opportunity to have a fresh start. I accepted the offer when it was made.

Just as everything came through, though, things started to change. Some was external - one of his businesses finally secured an investment which they had been working on for ages. Some was internal - he realized how much more challenging life would be in PNG and suddenly became very unconvinced he could make life work there.

We are both Americans but met in our current home of Uganda. We've been together two years as of next month, living together for all of it. We've had lots of ups and downs - each suffering from depression and anxiety on and off, which thank goodness seems to be under control for both of us. We've been going to counselling with an excellent therapist both separately and, recently, together as we were fighting a lot over a stressful patch.

Of course I want his business to succeed and for him to have all the self respect that comes with his own income. I want him to be happy and not cooped up in a rented flat in an unfamiliar (and, by reputation, rather unsafe) city. I feel confident he could find work there, but of course its a risk that he wouldnt or that it would take a long time. I understand that the doesnt want to throw aside the 4 years of work hes put into the businesses here.

We love each other very much and want a future together. I feel he is a great catch - considerate, handsome, kind, funny and brave. I am 25 and he is 31.

Having never been in a long distance relationship himself, I suspect he doesnt recognize how hard it will be. But I have done it before an know that long distance is hard and I dont know that we'll manage it. Getting communication from him when one of us is travelling is like pulling teeth. We'd only be able to see each other two or three times a year, and then at great expense. Im not excited at the prospect of spending two years without regular physical affection, though this is less important to him. While normally I would be spending my holidays exploring the beautiful region, I'll instead be spending it shuttling back and forth to East Africa, which I already know well. I dread talking to him on the phone when he inevitably dips back into depression and Im unable to help, or being alone with I'm overwhelmed and need his support.

So, reader, I come to my question - what are the secrets to making long distance work? Can it be done? Even if it can, is it worth it?

Nottoobadyet

I forgot to mention that I dont move until September, so I have a little time to lay foundations of something stronger if I can.

tidesendtown

Trust is the most important thing...

In reading your post, however, I get the feeling that you're not committed to this relationship or are unsure about it. It's not something you've said, it's the way you've said it... I might be completely off but that's just my intuition. Good luck!

Tropez

My partner's just come home after being away for a year (mostly, she was home for a short while around Xmas as well) and everything seems to have settled back to normal quite quickly, so I guess that worked.

I don't really know what the secret to getting it to work was though... we communicated almost daily using video calling through Skype. Sometimes we used to do things together, where we could, like watch the same TV programme or film, while using Skype... made things seems a bit closer, as it were.

Trying to keep occupied I think is the important thing. When you don't see your beloved all those times you normally would it's kinda difficult at times, so getting invested into something that holds your attention at times when you can't communicate is important.

But I'll be honest, based on what you've said I can see that you can't do the same, and I'd also wonder myself whether it could work. We both decided from the get-go when she was awarded this contract it would work and in all our discussions we didn't focus on what would be difficult but what we could do. I think you have to look at it this way, otherwise you're setting yourself up to fail.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

What's stopping him getting on a plane and shuttling himself over to you?


If you give up this amazing opportunity, you'll regret it forever. Hell, I'd regret it for you, and I don't even know you.

Lovely, smart, funny and wonderful men abound throughout the world. Fantastic jobs and opportunities don't.


Don't forget, two years is only 104 weeks. 104 weeks with him, or 104 weeks in the most amazing region where he could join you - if he chose to.

I've read a lot of your posts. To be honest, it sounds like you feel very restricted. If your relationship has a future, it will stand a short period of separation. And if it has a future, he would not stand in your way, whether it's an outright 'I don't want you to go' or a weak, ineffectual 'But....but....it's sooooooo hard, I can't manage flights, you'd have to come to me and talk every day and Skype and...and...and...'.

Nottoobadyet

Thanks, Tropez, that is very encouraging indeed. We should be able to skype daily (internet permitting), and I hope that is possible. Your advice sounds very solid to me.

Jojo -Thanks for the encouragement! Sorry, should have been clearer on whats keeping him here. His company has finally secured funding so that it can start up, so he has the potential to finally get that off the ground and (hopefully) successful. He cant do it remotely, unfortunately.

While he could fly out to me instead of me going to him, it would defeat the advantage of exploring that part of the world cheaply without having to pay for long haul flights.

I probably do sound very restricted in my posts, since Im only posting when things are miserable We do have a great time together most of the time - we're just back from an epic motorcycle adventure across Uganda, so there are good times in there too.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

Thanks, Tropez, that is very encouraging indeed. We should be able to skype daily (internet permitting), and I hope that is possible. Your advice sounds very solid to me.

Jojo -Thanks for the encouragement! Sorry, should have been clearer on whats keeping him here. His company has finally secured funding so that it can start up, so he has the potential to finally get that off the ground and (hopefully) successful. He cant do it remotely, unfortunately.

While he could fly out to me instead of me going to him, it would defeat the advantage of exploring that part of the world cheaply without having to pay for long haul flights.

I probably do sound very restricted in my posts, since Im only posting when things are miserable We do have a great time together most of the time - we're just back from an epic motorcycle adventure across Uganda, so there are good times in there too.

So - he has two years in which to make it a success, by which point you *might* be back. And could pay for his own flights. I still don't see why paying for his ticket is dearer than you paying for yours - unless what you actually mean is neither of you flying anywhere. And if the business goes t*ts up, he could always join you then, if that's what you actually wanted.


Seriously, you have to take this fantastic opportunity. Don't let a possibly successful future for somebody else stop you having a real one for yourself.

Joons

You will have to do it and take the risk of you and him not working out, what else can you do?

It will be a real test of your relationship I'm sure but as has been said, plenty Skype, plenty talking, even letter writing, would be nice to get a special letter. It will take a lot of effort on both your parts to keep the romance and spark there and not be distracted by anyone else in those 2 years, I'm afraid you won't know until you are in the thick of it.

DS4215

It is easier to start a long distance relationship than it is to change an existing relationship into a LDR. It is a lot easier now though than it was 20 years ago, with phones, Skype, Internet, etc. Both of you have to be 100% committed to keeping it going and making it work.

Take the chance for this once in a lifetime opportunity (if you don't want it can I have it?) and make the effort to keep close to each other. Good luck.

Nottoobadyet

Thank you everyone for your uniformly supportive advice. I definitely am taking it, no doubt about it - I've given my notice in my current role, gotten the contract and am making visa arrangements. Not a wobble on that front! OH has been supportive of the decision.

Keep up the advice please - Im really appreciating it.

angelil

I was in an LDR for 3.5 years, although not quite the same distance as you're discussing (France-England). Trust is imperative, as is talking regularly (even if it's just to talk about what you had for tea!). We made it work: gaps between visits could be as little as 2 weeks or as much as 10 depending on our circumstances at the time. We were pretty skint, which didn't help. Finally, though, we moved in together at the end of the 3.5 years, got engaged a year later, and married 2 years after that. Just celebrated 2nd wedding anniversary and very happy! So it can definitely work - but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel as you can't be LD indefinitely IMO.