Dilema re house & uni - not sure what to do

alyth

I'll try and keep this short. 42 year old, went to uni 3 years ago to get my degree - all boding well I'll get a BA in History in 3 weeks time. My plan had always been to go and teach in China when I graduated, but I'd planned to do my honours year. My beloved dog died 3 months ago so I've brought forward my plans and have arranged to do my honours year by distance learning.

However, I live on a private estate. It gets slightly complicated as someone on the estate sub-lets and they have been given notice to quit, by the end of June. This woman is my friend, we've looked after each others animals, have coffee at least once a week. my basic plan is that exam results permitting plus gaining things like my TEFL to teach in China, I'd be out there perhaps the end of Aug. However, this woman has asked me to move out of my cottage and move to my parents so that she can move in.

it's got to the stage where I came home from an exam last week and found her and her friend "tidying" my garden so that it would be how she wanted it to be when she moved in. During my study leave she would come round perhaps twice a week wanting to measure up for carpets. it's not a given that I am moving to China, I may fail my exams, break my leg, I've signed up for my honours year here just in case.

The estate are being singularly unhelpful to the extent the factor came round a couple of weeks ago and asked me exactly when I was moving. We had a conversation and all he said was that I had to give 30 days' notice. I'm not planning on giving this 30 days notice until the day before I get on the plane to China as I don't want to move to my parents, nor be homeless. I'm feeling horribly pressurised to move out when it's not confirmed that I am going to China, just so that this person can move in.

It's got to the stage where I am literally scared to go out of my cottage for fear of being pinned as to my plans. Everything is up in the air - it's all probabilities at the moment, I may fail my exams, I may decide to stay here and do another 9 months at uni, I may go to China for a year, pay the rent on this cottage and then return to do my honours.

Does anyone have any suggestions. I have said to this woman that it's not guaranteed that I am going - to the point of being a tad harsh. But still she insists on coming up or asking me questions via email which I've managed to ignore as I work weekends - hence the lateness of this post. Thanks for any help.

shell_girl

Copy and paste your post into an email and send it to her. If she really is a friend she'll be mortified that she's putting you under so much pressure!

Yes you do have to make your mind up... but based on what you want and not what your friend wants you to do!

coolcait

TBH, you may have been giving out mixed messages.

You've put everything in place to allow you to go to China by August. Other people clearly know that this is your plan. They may not know that you also have a 'Plan B' in place - in case you can't go to China, for whatever reason.

You need to clear all of that up very quickly - with the factor, with your friend, with anyone else who needs to know.

The factor may have given you a way into having this difficult conversation, and a reason for doing it in writing - it's important to get it in writing.

You can write to the factor, copied to your friend and anyone else who needs to see it.

Thank the factor for his recent visit, note his reminder about the need for 30-days' notice, and make it clear that you do not currently intend to leave the property.

However, assure him that - should you decide to leave the property in the future - you will provide the notice required. In the meantime, you do not expect to have your rights as a tenant, or your rights to privacy, infringed - and (apart from the factor and his staff, carrying out any duties required of them under the tenancy agreement) no one should enter your house or garden, or carry out any work on the house or garden, without your express permission.

All that said, I think that - should you decide to leave - you should give the 30 days' notice rather earlier than the day before you get on the plane to China.

It should be seen as a notice that you'll be leaving the house "thirty days from the date of giving this notice".

alyth

thanks Coolcait, I truly hadn't thought of that so thanks for putting it into perspective - that's why I posted, I don't post on here very often but your opinion is very appreciated.

The friend is 72 years old - she is scared that she's going to get put out of her home, and I totally understand and apprecaite where she is coming from. She is panicking that she is going to be homeless, whereas I am quite happily going along with my own life not thinking of others. You are right in that my Plan B is not know, only to my close family, I've accepted 4th year at uni, I've not resigned from work.

Appreciate your posts - thank you.

podperson

I think you really need to be straight with her. It sounds like she's thinking this is a done deal and therefore won't be looking for alternative accomodation or anything in the mean time. I appreciate you consider her a friend and may be worried about upsetting her but tbh I think she's got a bit of a cheek assuming that she can take over your house when nothing is confirmed.

I would sit her down and say that you're sorry but your plans aren't definate and you don't appreciate feeling pressurised into moving out of your home. To be honest I would probably say to her a definate 'no' as if she needs to be out by the end of the June then I'm guessing you may still not know what's happening by then so she will need to find somewhere else.

paulineb_2

alyth wrote: »

thanks Coolcait, I truly hadn't thought of that so thanks for putting it into perspective - that's why I posted, I don't post on here very often but your opinion is very appreciated.

The friend is 72 years old - she is scared that she's going to get put out of her home, and I totally understand and apprecaite where she is coming from. She is panicking that she is going to be homeless, whereas I am quite happily going along with my own life not thinking of others. You are right in that my Plan B is not know, only to my close family, I've accepted 4th year at uni, I've not resigned from work.

Appreciate your posts - thank you.

She needs to be looking for somewhere else to live. Its not up to you to help her get a new home and she suggested that you go home to your parents and she move into your house?

How did this discussion actually come about? Did you agree to any of this?

She has other options, there is more than one private rented house out there, if she can afford it.

If she is your friend you should be talking about this, my home is my home, I would never move out of it to let someone else move in, but in the very short term if someone needed a place to stay for a few weeks while they found something else I would consider that, but thats all.

You really do need to have a strong conversation so you arent being bullied into something you dont want to do, its not your responsibility to find your friend another home, its hers.

Treevo

Ignore her but make it crystal clear to your landlord that you're staying until you hand your notice to him. If you're feeling particularly generous then tell her once more, in writing, that you haven't got any firm plans and she will just have to wait until you have a decision. Remind her that it is your home and not hers.

Mr_Toad

alyth wrote: »

thanks Coolcait, I truly hadn't thought of that so thanks for putting it into perspective - that's why I posted, I don't post on here very often but your opinion is very appreciated.

The friend is 72 years old - she is scared that she's going to get put out of her home, and I totally understand and apprecaite where she is coming from.

Appreciate your posts - thank you.

And it would seem that she is prepared to see you homeless or seriously inconvenienced rather than it happen to her.

You need to spell it out in no uncertain terms that everything she thinks she knows is not necessarily going to happen as and when she thinks and that you won't be moving out unless it suits you.

Someone once said that the only way to truly test a friendship was to test it to destruction. When this is over you'll know if she's a friend or not.

beedeedee

If you mention something - even a simple observation or just "in passing...." to an elderly person - it WILL become fact in their minds, mainly because a lot of them have much less to think about, than they might have done in their past.
"I'll try and pop in tomorrow if I get time" will become "I will be in to see you tomorrow" and so on....ask anyone with elderly rellies! They can also become very selfish too, often thinking only of themselves and how things might possibly affect them.
A written note is the only way to get through sometimes - and even then, they might not believe it, so a formally written letter on this occasion, is the way to go I think.

bagpussbear

Sorry to hear you feel pressurised at the moment, to be honest I think your friend has overstepped the mark a little, tidying the garden to her liking without your permission is rude, whatever your age in my opinion.

Agree with others to tell your factor that you aren't moving, although will give required notice etc if you decide to.

You really need to tell your friend quite firmly that your plans have changed and its likely you won't go so she needs to start looking elsewhere now, and perhaps offer to help her look? I have a feeling she will be upset as she seems to deliberately closed her ears to the fact that your move to China might not happen.

Hope the conversation goes well though.

lily76

Hi Op,

For the renting issue your renting contract has not come into the end hasn't it?
I don't have too good idea on it as you got a friend you care for involved. However, my focus would be on the other thing concerned with this post. That is your teaching plan in China. If you have not made a decision yet now you probably won't be that quick to fulfil your plan by August so you do need more time staying in your current address. Unless you use a visitor's visa which is obviously illegal you need to find a school who can offer you a job and then you need to go through a visa application procedure. 3 months won't be enough for you and in August air ticket could be another thing you need to consider. All I want to say is that you need to give yourself more time to be flexible.

Good luck teaching in China. BTW, what are you going to teach there?