Elderly friend, current hospital stay, worried about being "kept in" complicated situ

Lifeforms

Not really sure where to put this, but we have an elderly (83) friend who had a heart attack almost a month ago. No damage was done to anything else, and she was found in time and taken to the local general hospital. None of her friends knew till almost a week and a bit passed, and she managed to get a letter out, of which it then spread around. She was then transferred to a slightly closer day/cottage hospital.

2 weeks until her first visitor (who knew about emergency visits) and we went in and basically bought some clothes in the sale to take back as she had nothing except a dress/skirt brought in the day before by someone. We obviously got her a nightie, and such like.

She has a sister, also elderly and she lives quite a distance away, and has only been able to visit once, and I know she has a niece, but also quite a way away. Problem is, she's been passed on to another hospital now, and as my mum is the only driver in the her group of elderly friends, she's been trying to get in fairly often to at least take clothes away for cleaning and bringing them back.

She has limited mobility, but is feeling reasonably steady with walker, or sticks. She is not demented, although is slightly slow, but once talked with for 10 mins or so catches on pretty quickly and you can have a decent conversation with her, and probe her memory.

Currently we've been told she's in there till social checks and home checks are done. Except none of this seems to be being told to her, or that we can see is happening. She's terrified she's in there for good, or till they ship her off to a home, and gets quite upset over this.

She cannot return home with out it being deep cleaned for want of a better description. We got in to clean up, as we thought it was just messy, it wasn't just tidy up messy. Two weeks since she got taken in and fresh food was left to rot, frankly along side older food that was also left to rot, so it was pretty desperate. We cleaned up any food, threw that out, but the place needs a deep clean with biohazard issues elsewhere.

She needs a shower and seat put in as she hasn't bathed in there for several years. She also will need carers coming in maybe to help with cleaning/clothes washing/bathing and possibly meal prep. To complicate matters she's quite sensitive to food preservatives, gluten free diet and is not getting great food in hospital and has thus lost weight (of which she said today was worrying them). But they do seem to be paying attention to the fact we're taking in various bits of food that is suitable for her. Like crackers, breakfast cereal, rice milk, and such like.

With a shower in place, carers coming in either once or twice a day, and a fresh clean house she would easily manage. And she wouldn't get back into the position she was in before. No one realised she had struggled like this for so long.

What can we do?
What can we advise her to do?
Can she legally get solicitors involved to find out plans and such (not sure if she is being told this and not taking it in, or just not getting told)?
Can she appoint a close friend to take on position as a direct relation and thus negotiate with hospital regarding further treatment/placement/home checks and an actual schedule?
Is there something we should advise she should be doing?

Basically she's sat in a room, doesn't watch TV, her radio was "helpfully put away from her in a drawer she can't really access", reads books, and sits and does not much else. I know she is getting physio support with walking, but we can't get information on the future for her, and we feel she could manage with help, but her house will need to be blitzed first.

We're lost in how we can help her and help make sure she's not sectioned or something (which she is worried over) and help get her back home.

cte1111

I would say that you friend could do with a social worker who would help her access the care that she needs, and will also explain to her what is happening. The hospital should be able to arrange this, you could chase it up I think.

milliemonster

I work in a cardiology unit and we frequently have patients come in as you describe. Firstly let me congratulate you for being such a kindhearted friend.

It sounds to me that your friend will already have a social care package being started, but these things take time to sort out unfortunately. It sounds like the hospital are doing the right thing as so often you hear of patients being discharged Inappropriately or far too soon, realistically they should not be sending her home until they know she is safe to be at home alone or with an appropriate care package in place to allow her to live at home as independently as possible.

As you are a friend and not a close relative, the hospital staff won't be privy to explaining to you what stage the social is at, and if your friend is as you describe, it may be that the staff have explained to her what is happening (indeed a social worker will have to have a chat with her anyway to find out her normal home circumstances) but she has just not remembered all the details.

Believe me, they will not keep her in a hospital bed any longer than is necessary as pressure on beds is so high.

Why do you think she would be sectioned? Nothing you have stated in your post leads me to think this is the case at all.

Lifeforms

I don't personally think she would be sectioned, unless the bad hygiene state of the house and frankly soiled situation at home is something that is considered to be something that she can't be alone/at home with. Which honestly she can't. take that out the equation with a home care package, and she'd probably get on grand at home.

She is just of the age where she's seen her older than us friends end up in hospital, and gets moved on to better places, ie homes, where they lose all will and lose all independent then die. This isn't the case with everyone, it's the elder person thing, just like going in to hospital at that age, she'll die in there. Combined with a dear friend of hers just going through the last few months of hospitals, between then, never getting back out, and dying. She missed his funeral today so that has probably compounded the worries for her too.

Edited to add:
I think our concern is that she is not proactive, she will do as told and not bring this up with any nurses. A lot of the people on the ward are demented, in some way or other, and she is being treated as such, or being protected too much. Helping to the toilet, being dressed/undressed when she can manage things like that. Probably to prevent falls, or slips, but she doesn't need nannying.
They are in individual rooms on their own, and the ward is locked down. Day room access is only when the nurse/person is around and ok to take someone, or when someone can take them out to the dining room.

Because there is no relative (no kids/husband) to push, question, we feel worried that she will just sit, stagnate and get worse and maybe in the position of where she really can't manage any more, or loses the will to carry on.

milliemonster

No that wouldn't lead her to be sectioned, what you have to remember is people live in lots of different ways and have varying hygiene standards and we can't stop someone going home to live the way they want to live just because we wouldn't live like that, iykwim.

If she is capable of living at home with a little support to ensure she can get washed and dressed, her shopping done if she can't do it herself or a meal cooked for her then there is no reason she can't return home, no matter what the state of her house, she would only end up in a home if she either chooses to herself, or she is absolutely 100% incapable or unsafe to be at home by herself

Lifeforms

That is good to hear! She was getting food delivered weekly, which is all food ok for her to eat, so she'd sort things out, but I feel would benefit from someone checking things like dates, any fresh stuff going mouldy, food prep etc. Maybe not help to clean herself, but to make sure she has washed etc, and basically not letting the house getting into such a state, all we can see is professional cleaning will have to take as there are bio-hazard issues in there currently.

She's untidy in the living room, but the normally hidden rooms from visitors are the direct problem including sleeping on carrier bags because she has problems with that, months old stuff soiled dumped in bath because she couldn't carry any washing down stairs and outside. She obviously has been feeling down about it for a long time too.

It's been terribly sad to see this, that she's been struggling for so long, and no one really knew. Which most definitely wouldn't happen again now that we all know. She's proud, but I think slowly we've been working on having her accept she needs the help, which if we can find out schedules we can remind her about it, well when this happens you can do this, and this will work towards you going home and stuff instead of having her tell us that she said to the nurse that they'd stuck her in there because they didn't want to do anything with her. What I don't think she realises is most rooms are single there because it's mixed "ward"/section.

I hate seeing her like that, she's a really nice lady, and would've done anything for anyone over herself.

milliemonster

Unfortunately, from what you describe, she won't get any funded help for someone to check dates on food and general cleaning, there just isn't enough social care funding for that so it would have to be paid for by herself. Social care funding only stretches far enough for people who can't manage to wash and dress themselves or cook themselves a meal and that's it I'm afraid

Mojisola

If she's been struggling to the extent you describe, unless she has enough money to employ carers to do these things for her, she would be better off in a residential home.

My Dad is much happier now that he is residential care. Homes do vary and it's worth taking time to go round a few and compare them.

If she was willing to give POA to someone, it will be much easier to sort her problems out in the future. She should also nominate someone as her "next of kin" for medical matters - the hospitals and her GP need to be informed and she could keep a letter in her handbag giving the person's contact details.