This is too hard...please give me some advise!

Tea-and-Cake_3

I have 3 kids under 6 the eldest has aspergers, the baby is 8 months and sleeps in our bed...I actually have to go to bed with him at 8.30pm every night so he will settle and not roll out the bed. He naps in his cot in the day but he is so whingy, he moans and cries all the time, my arms ache from carrying him so much during the day. The toddler (middle one) is so jealous and gets too much tv. I'm exhausted from chasing my tail all day with the housework, cooking, cleaning and laundry and trying to settle baby to sleep. The 2 older ones share a bedroom so although bedtime is 7pm, they rarely stop mucking about til 9pm or later and I'm up and down during the night with the baby or toddler. I'm so burnt out. The reason I'm so "attentive" to the baby is beacuse I'm terrified that the strict routine and controlled crying I did with my first contributed to her aspergers (I know that's not the case but I do worry).

Any advise appreciated x

trying_to_stay_afloat

Didn't want to read and run. The only advice I can give is hang in there, it won't last forever. I would forget the housework and any other non essential stuff - the world won't end if the kids wear un ironed t shirts.
Make sure you look after yourself, sleep when you can and eat regularly as you need to feel ok to look after everyone else.
They WILL grow up and it WILL get easier.

Dark_Star

Strewth...

Can you get out with them to wear them out & avoid TV/being carried etc during the day?

Ok - do you get out to any toddler groups?

Story time/rhyme time at a library (free)

Are you near a surestart centre as they often run free stuff for the tinies such as messy play/drop in play sessions.

Talk to your health visitor & see if she can put you in touch with a service that can help (I think you can get people to come round/go out with you for a few hours a week as I've seen someone have this but then their kid was ABOMINABLE!:eek:).

Is there anyone at all that can come round for a cuppa & give you adult company?

If the baby naps in the cot during the day, why can't it do that at night? Do you need to grit your teeth during the screaming for a bit until it realises that the cot is best? (Understandable if you can't tolerate the screaming ).

Have a nice strong cup of tea when it's quiet *ducks barrage of toys*

Counting_Pennies_2

Get in touch with Homestart.

They have volunteers who can come to you for two hours a week and play with the older children, or take baby out so you can spend time with the older ones, or take them all out and you take yourself off to sleep

I had a volunteer for a year. You don't need to pass any income test. All they ask is do you not have anyone else who can come in and help.

http://www.home-start.org.uk/

Someone on here recommended them to me 5 years ago when life was horrid for me. It helped enormously

koalamummy

I second the idea of going for as long a walk as possible, trip to the local playground, feeding ducks, or whatever you have available locally. Do you have anybody at all who could take your older children out for a few hours? This would give them valuable one to one time, which contrary to popular belief is often actually more beneficial when provided by somebody they do not see day in day out.

All I can say with your littlest one is hang on in there. My middle son screamed night and day for 18 months solid. He is now one of the most pleasant smiley children you could meet. People told me that this would be the case but I refused to believe them.

Counting_Pennies_2

Another thing I did is not eat any stimulants, so you keep a level head.

That meant no sugar, caffeine or alcohol. It really helped keep myself at a regular level. Remembering to eat healthy food regularly.

Egypt191

I was in exactly the same position as you a few years ago, 3 children under 6. It's difficult, and you've been given some great advice so far, just be assured it does pass. Look after yourself and maybe relax on the housework, it's going to be there tomorrow ( unfortunately ). If the youngest has to sleep in your bed, have you thought about getting a bed guard to save you from having to stay in there with them ( you could look on freecycle). Something I used to do with the two eldest is stagger bedtimes and read individual stories so they felt they got individual mummy time. Taking them to the park for just a short while as well, does wonders for wearing them out!!

Tea-and-Cake wrote: »

The reason I'm so "attentive" to the baby is beacuse I'm terrified that the strict routine and controlled crying I did with my first contributed to her aspergers (I know that's not the case but I do worry).

You've said you know this isn't true, I'm going to reassure you it isn't. Two of my children ( the eldest, and middle) have asperger's and I have kept to the same routine for all three children. It's a brain condition that is nothing to do with parenting, and it sounds like you are trying your absolute best in tough circumstances... Keep going, it'll get better, and easier.

duckeggblue

Hugs x hard work, mum, you-are doing great x

Purleygirl

I really feel for you, I remember going through this and I was exhausted, I went on to have a fourth, so four under 8, phew! Trying to get them out of bed is the problem now lol. Ok, first I have a child with AS and it is not your fault, you didn't create it. Google around, particularly super nanny and you will get some good tips on sleep problems.

Tiring kids out is a good idea,to echo the other comments. So long, walks, fresh air etc. No tv for at least an hour before bed, no sugary foods either before bed, just calmness. I used to find that rewarding for good behaviour worked too. So "if you two are really well behaved and don't mess around tonight, then tomorrow we can ..." offer a treat, I dunno, like baking a cake, or going to the park. But follow through either way. Had you thought about settling your middle child before the older one? That you can spend a little bit of special time with him and the older child will feel more grown up. Even though it's tough you have to get your baby back in the cot, otherwise you'll find it harder to break the habit. Go easy on yourself with the housework and honestly little ones love "helping", give your toddler a special dusting cloth and go around the house and they can "work" with you.

Even if you're sorting out the laundry you can enlist their help and ask them to put anything dark or anything light in different piles. Even if they're doing it wrong, they're engaged with you.You can be chatting away as you're working. When they're in the bath you can be cleaning the loo, sink, while singing or chatting to them. I always used to do that.

I know it's easy to say all this because I'm passed all that now, but I do remember the exhaustion and there is no tiredness like it. But I really used to get them all to help and it was like play for them. Ask for help too from friends or relatives and sleep whenever you can.

mummyroysof3

I sympathise as I had 3 under 4 to start with. The eldest is 8 now and the youngest 4 but due to his genetic disorder he doesn't sleep through the night and can be miserable and I don't always understand why. Be gentle on yourself and cut yourself some slack, I've learnt to let some things slide when needed and 2 of mine are at full time school now. Take care x

valk_scot

Drop the side of the cot in the evening and shove it right up to your side of the bed. With any luck once the baby falls asleep you can wiggle him into the cot area without waking him up, then put the side up and get up again. Once you're in bed properly you can put the side down again if you're breastfeeding at night.

I know that it's popular atm to carry a baby all day but I'm not sure it's 100% beneficial if you're exhausted and resentful, they must pick up the vibes, surely? And that will unsettle them in turn. I'm absolutely sure that nothing you can do here will "cause" Aspergers, so don't feel guilty if you want to put him down to get some rest, just do it. It's well worth encouraging a baby to settle down on his own, you don't have to be strict and do controlled crying, there's a middle ground between strict and being 100% there so try to look for opprtunities when he will settle and encourage him to do more of it. Every little helps!

You don't mention a partner, btw? Is dad not there to share the housework and bedtimes?