How can I support my cousin? (cancer)

daisiegg

Just wondering if anyone has any ideas or suggestions.

Just found out that my cousin's wife has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She is only in her twenties. It is very early so they are not entirely sure what she is going to need but certainly at least an operation and then they will go from there I think. My husband and I are very close to my cousin and his wife, but they live in California.

I want to try and do something to help/support them or at least send a gesture. If I lived locally I'd be able to give proper practical support (giving lifts, making meals, doing shopping, cleaning, etc) but obviously that is impossible from the other side of the world.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

They are not particularly 'soppy' people at all so not sure a card/flowers at this stage would be the right thing. I am thinking of more something to cheer them up/somehow make life easier or even more bright in a tiny way. I would be happy to send a parcel over there if I could think of the right thing. They were only over here for my wedding a month ago so although it might be a nice idea to send them things they like that you can't get in the US (although they are Californian born and bred they are both big anglophiles!) it is the wrong time for that as they have only just stocked up.

Btw, before anyone responds that the only reason I want to do this is to make myself feel better......you are probably right. But I DO want to do it and I know if I was in their position, I would like to know people are thinking of me, even from the other side of the world.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions!

summerof0763

how about a small parcel with different things like smellies, chocs, coupke of magazines, for going into hospital with, or for when she gets back home from operation, and a card,x

time2deal

ok - this is an area I have experience in! Having recently recovered from cancer, I can tell you what I liked.

1. Keep in touch. Drop a random email, or text, or a handwritten letter or card. Always much appreciated, but finish them all with 'thinking of you, but don't worry about responding, I know there is a lot going on' or something like that. And mean it. It's nice to get something, but you genuinely don't have the mental or physical energy to respond.

2. Don't say 'tell me ANYTHING I can do to help'. Offer something specific, otherwise you create an extra job for the person to do - to think of something for you to do that you would like to do! Not sure what you can do from a distance, but I'm sure you can think of things.

3. Presents I liked. A helium singing giraffe, with the song recorded over the internet, and copied into a little 'thing' attached to the string of the giraffe. I laughed for the first time in a long time when I got it! And played it numerous times to cheer me up.
Here he is: http://www.balloonmonkey.co.uk/bunchselector.php?cattype=allname&startnum=0&prodid=2543&search= and it seems you can add the little singing monkey tag.

4. A bright red blanket/throw to take to the hospital.
5. A wordsearch book - as I normally do hard sudokus, but complained at how my brain was mush. So my friend bought this as a joke! But I did a lot of those wordsearches!!

6. Keep in touch in the bad times as well as the good. I was amazed how many people appeared to say congratulations when I had good news, but deafening silence when I had bad news. And that was when I really needed people. Don't expect the person to be overjoyed with every piece of good news too - in a sea of depression and fear, one bit of good news sometimes doesn't make that much difference.

7. Some people like advice - like 'My uncle stopped treatment and lived on celery leaves in a tent and is now fine', but some people don't, so try to see/listen to their responses. Cancer patients are logically self-absorbed, and maybe don't always want to hear your problems.

8. Talk sometimes about things other than cancer! Which contradicts 7 a little, but there are times when you are simply sick of the same conversations, and a fun story about your silly husband, or drunken friend can be welcome.

It's different for everyone, but that's my two (eight) penneth worth.

VfM4meplse

Really sorry to hear about this news OP, it must have knocked everyone for six.

I would start with a phone call / Skype her, the right conversation can be priceless. Let her say what she wants to, tell you her thoughts etc, but avoid talking about "cures"; pancreatic cancer is nasty and aggressive, and your cousins wife is very unlucky with her diagnosis.

If you really want to send something, I think that a nicely framed photo of them both at your wedding - ie a happy time - would lift her spirits and give her something to aim for. Otherwise, send a book that means something to you, or a voucher for a beauty treatment for when she feels up to it.

mumonashoestring

Could you find out if there's a local grocery store that delivers and either order them some good healthy, useful groceries or get them a giftcard?

thorsoak

My OH died of pancreatic cancer and I know its not a nice one -but can I make a couple of suggestions?

1. Don't get anything to eat - pancreatic cancer mucks up the sense of taste and what would be an absolute favourite can become really unpalatable.

2. Similarly, sense of smell is distorted and lovely perfumes can again become non favourite!

bluenoseam

Just don't be a stranger, I got cancer and I swear to god it seemed like no one wanted to know me, including members of my own family - not going to lie, that doesn't sit well with me 3+ years later. (With that being said, said member of the family is a pain in the backside anyway and frankly is someone who is so self-centred & selfish that any time I HAVE to deal with them it annoys me greatly!)

Don't treat them like they're a china doll, that also annoyed me a fair bit, yeah it's cancer, yeah I'm not 100% but I'm not gonna break! For the record it also means you get to the stage where you flip out over something like "how are you?". (I should also add that 3 years later, I still get slightly miffed when people give it the "you're looking great". Yeah because I forgot that everyone who's had cancer is supposed to look like a zombie the rest of their life! I know it's natural and stuff, I can cope with it from someone who's not seen me in a fair bit, but aforementioned family member's favourite question 3 years later is "how you feeling?")

Go and watch the movie 50/50, that's a true story from someone who's had cancer and honestly, the stuff in there is pretty much how it was with me to the point it was bizarre watching it!

The only other piece of advice I can give at the minute is to constantly stick to the positive side - there's a fair amount to be said about people who are positive! If you're dealing with someone who might need a pick me up you don't want to be hearing stuff like "IF you get better" it's always WHEN, small things like that can make a huge difference.

(oh and it's not just pancreatic cancer which screws taste & smell, today for some odd reason the taste in my mouth has been cigarette smoke despite the fact I've not been in the company of a smoker for god knows how long. Further to that the smell I had while walking home in fresh air was raw fish - while I was nowhere near such a thing, yeah it's still not wired right for me!)

LEJC

I'm sure by now you have researched pancreatic cancer and it is indeed an absolute horror and not a very forgiving one.
Sadly my brother was suffering symptoms 18 months ago and it wasnt diagnosed until 6 weeks before his death.

For us it was all about keeping up his spirits,and i'm sure your cousins wife will appreciate little gestures.Dont underestimate how much a non slushy person will appreciate sentiment...my brother was the hardest around but warmed very quickly!

I lived reasonably close to my brother but we started to communicate much more in writing than speaking to eachother...although we did speak on the phone regularly,we found that sending our thoughts and wishes written down made them more permenent and something we could look back on and read whenever we wanted...again he found his darkest time to be during the night and he used to re read letters etc then...rather than picking up the phone to us.
I used to send him something weekly in the post initially it was maybe a bar of chocolate or a magazine dvd or little things that I thought he might like...near the end he actually said it was those little parcels that really made a difference to him...he used to chat to the postman when they were delivered and look forward to receiving the token gift...he said the process used to take his mind off things even if only for a short while!


As you have recently married why not start by sending a lovely photo taken at the wedding...it will give you a starting point from which to build on.
Alot will really depend on what stage she is at...but things like a nice cushion or throw might be nice to consider as both will be practical...other things you could consider is nail varnish or some bits of her favourite british makeup or bubble bath...maybe a body butter as its good to keep the skin soft and has a much lighter fragrance than full on perfume.