Making Voluntary Payments

justontime

I am hoping for some advice from any PWC's or anyone else who may have faced this problem. My husband is a Non Resident Parent, he pays via CSA and is up to date with all his payments. Sadly things are not good between my husband and his ex partner and all attempts to heal the rift have failed. Her husband will not let her communicate directly with my husband, but we do have a very good relationship with the children. We have 3 children in our family unit too and due to unavoidable care responsibilities I am about to give up work. On the new figures we have been told that CSA will be a nil assessment. This is worrying us as we can't see any way to avoid it. Clearly this will upset his ex partner and we would really like to pay something, but it will be a struggle to cope with our reduced finances so we couldn't manage much. We have been told that he can't make voluntary payments via CSA so he would have to post the money to his ex. The question is, would it be more insulting to offer a small sum than to just stay quiet and live with what CSA decide. Also we think that his ex partner is on benefit but we can't be sure (please don't say to ask the children, we never ask them anything about their mum and step dad, it isn't fair on them) so could we be getting his ex into trouble in some way if we sent money to her? Does anyone have any other suggestions?

ticktock1973

how nice to read your comments, wish my ex husband was married to someone so reasonable, i would think about buying things for the kids ie underwear pjs etc and then in that way you are not giving money so she couldnt get into trouble, sorry i cant be of any more help

vicky

TheWaltons_3

It wouldn't even enter my head to suggest you ask the children!!

To be honest, I would live with what the CSA says - you have three children of your own to think of, and I understand your husband wants to provide for his child... but what is wrong with buying the child clothes/shoes.... ?

If the CSA are saying you won't have enough to live on - you WONT. They like to leave hard working people broke.

justontime

I didn't mean to offend by what I said about not asking the children. It is just that we know it isn't easy for them and when we see them we just want them to relax and enjoy their time in this family. Their mum has had lots of problems and she is very suspicious that we would ask them for info or be critical of her. I may think uncharitable thoughts occasionally but I never speak it! After all she is their mum and I am sure she loves them every bit as much as their dad does. I wouldn't like to be in her position, having to share her children with a step parent that she doesn't know well enough to trust. I hope one day she will begin to accept we just have a good time with the children, no other agenda at all.

Back to the money situation. Thanks for the advice, yes we can and do buy things for the children, but this causes it's own issues. In the past their mum has accused my husband of trying to buy the children. She was angry at the time and there was no real basis to the accusation, but it did make us think. I am a mum and I know all too well what it is like to struggle financially. If we buy shoes for child A when she was in urgent need of school trousers for Child B it is likely to annoy her. If she had the money in her hand (however small the sum) she could use it on whatever she felt was the priority need. We could solve all this if she would talk to my husband, but that is unlikely. It is one of those sad situations where two people were far to young when they got together and an unplanned pregnancy led them to stay together trying to make the best of it. They made each other terribly unhappy and perhaps there is too much history for them to ever manage to communicate without distrust and suspicion.

Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of situation?

kelloggs36

Yes but from the other side. My ex still refuses to speak or contact his daughter at all, despite the fact that she is now 18 and has been quite capable for the past few years of making up her own mind and not involving me at all. Sadly her father just pretends she doesn't exist, doesn't pay CSA doesn't acknowledge birthdays, Christmas etc. I wrote to him before I put my claim in to CSA to ask him to make a contribution of about 30 pounds per week, or negotiate, but I received no reply. I tried again, no reply. I was left with no choice but to go to the CSA and ask them to make an assessment. After many years of fighting, it is coming to a head, he owes me in excess of 26k now and is due in Court next Friday (again). I just wish that it were possible to have dialogue between he and me to sort it out, but he has made it clear he isn't interested, and I have given up with that as I can't force him to be reasonable!!

TheWaltons_3

justontime wrote: »

I didn't mean to offend by what I said about not asking the children. It is just that we know it isn't easy for them and when we see them we just want them to relax and enjoy their time in this family. Their mum has had lots of problems and she is very suspicious that we would ask them for info or be critical of her. I may think uncharitable thoughts occasionally but I never speak it! After all she is their mum and I am sure she loves them every bit as much as their dad does. I wouldn't like to be in her position, having to share her children with a step parent that she doesn't know well enough to trust. I hope one day she will begin to accept we just have a good time with the children, no other agenda at all.

Back to the money situation. Thanks for the advice, yes we can and do buy things for the children, but this causes it's own issues. In the past their mum has accused my husband of trying to buy the children. She was angry at the time and there was no real basis to the accusation, but it did make us think. I am a mum and I know all too well what it is like to struggle financially. If we buy shoes for child A when she was in urgent need of school trousers for Child B it is likely to annoy her. If she had the money in her hand (however small the sum) she could use it on whatever she felt was the priority need. We could solve all this if she would talk to my husband, but that is unlikely. It is one of those sad situations where two people were far to young when they got together and an unplanned pregnancy led them to stay together trying to make the best of it. They made each other terribly unhappy and perhaps there is too much history for them to ever manage to communicate without distrust and suspicion.

Has anyone else had to deal with this sort of situation?

Perhaps you could contact her, or is that unspeakable? Sometimes we have to grit our teeth and be as civil as possible for the sake of children. You could always explain that you're in a dire financial situation and would like to buy the children clothes, shoes.. anything she would deem suitable - perhaps she has a problem with the kids knowing Dad has done this and not HER - could you offer to pass any bought items to her, instead of through the children? Perhaps she would be less offended if she gave the items to the children? Even pretending she bought them... whatever she chooses to? This would irritate me to be honest, but in situations like this, it is the children who can lose out.

I seriously disagree with you making voluntary payments when you can't afford it. As a mother yourself, with three, you will know how damn hard it is to afford everything they need. What would happen, for example, if one week you were desperately broke but needed to buy a new school coat or similar.. or pay for a school trip? So, you couldn't make that voluntary payment. How would his ex take it then? She may come to rely on this money, or may get bitter that you have to buy a school coat for your husbands younger child.... do you see what I mean?

Well done for detaching yourself from this petty situation - why should you and yours suffer? I think it is the second family that can suffer more in some situations.

justontime

I'm sorry kelloggs, I can't imagine how that feels for you or for your daughter. One day he will realise what he has lost - and I don't mean the money!

kelloggs36

Maybe - but after 7 years he hasn't realised yet!!!! Be aware though, if you do get a nil assessment the PWC COULD (if she knows how the system works) close the case, wait 13 weeks and re-apply under the new rules, in which case she would get 15% of 75% of your husband's net income, so, if he takes home 1k per month after deductions, she could get 112.50 per month as an assessment.

justontime

I'm aware of that possibility (and it would be more than your estimate because it would be 25%) but we will have to see what happens. I have had to learn a lot about CSA in the last few years and I have been told that we would have sufficient grounds to (eventually) get a variation on disability costs. It will be pretty devastating if she does move on to CS2, but we have always paid whatever has been assessed and we would have to find a way to deal with it. I assume that she would not be able to close and reopen the case if she or her husband is on income support or JSA?

kelloggs36

No, I would think that is the case.

kelloggs36

As for voluntary payments whilst they are on income support, it really isn't worth it from either point of view because ANY money you give her whilst she is on IS must be deducted from her benefits, so it doesn't help anybody, least of all the children so forget that idea. By all means, if you feel you can afford to do so, buy the children stuff directly which won't affect her benefits but only do this if you can afford to do so.