Meeting Birth Mother

duchy

My partner has for the last few years been searching for his birth mother. This week we found her !

Contact was made through a third party (Adoption social worker) and she telephoned him the same morning she got the letter and wants contact

Given the choice my partner would drive down to her house right now..... but knows he can't and has to let her talk further with the social worker and agree the best way to approach building contact and meeting (He's waited fifty years he can wait a little longer he says)

His adoptive parents are lovely and knew he was looking and are very pleased he has found her ....... his kids don't even know he's adopted (so we have to deal with telling them but there are good reasons to do with health why we can't tell them for a few months) .
He wants me with him when he meets her -and I'm very happy to support him but would really appreciate input from people who have been where we are to ensure everything goes well.

He's so excited bless him

Pollycat

I hope things go well for your partner and his birth Mum.

There was a thread on here about a similar situation which has turned out well:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3871947=

duchy

Thanks Polly - I read that.
My OH's Mum is much younger than the Mum in that thread but I did enjoy reading it again.

Janey3

That's lovely news for you both. I found my birth family some years ago although my birth Mother had passed away, I found a whole new family.

I went into headfirst and too fast, like being on a rollercoaster, it was emotionally charged and overwhelming. I would say to take it very slowly and it's good that you are going with him. My husband was my rock and I couldn't have done it without him.

There'll probably lots of tears on both sides and many questions he wants to ask, but be patient and be guided by the social worker. Include your partner's adoptive family as much as you can, as it is an emotional time for them too.

There may also be a difference in lifestyle to what your partner has been brought up to. i.e. I found out I was born into poverty and was adopted by a "well heeled" couple. Felt a bit guilty that I had had such a good life, whereas my sisters had a hard time growing up.

Be prepared to accept that there maybe one or two in the extended birth family who don't agree for whatever reason, in your reunion. There was one who didn't want to meet me, I hurt at the time, but came to accept it and she has since accepted me. Overall, it was a brilliant time.

The other thread mentioned is good to read.

Wishing you both well on your journey of discovery. Please let us know how it goes.

InsideInsurance

To be honest a lot will vary on the history, what is and isnt known etc. Spending more time with the social worker is highly recommended as they will have helped others through many similar situations and seen some that went well and some that went badly.

I am in a similar boat in that I have traced my birth mother, I do have some of the back story because mine was a privately arranged adoption from birth despite it being in the late 70s. As names are unusual it wasnt hard to trace her but it took a while to have time etc to go out and get a 3rd party to do the initial contact - the letter of which will actually go out on Monday next week.

The social worker I talked to spent a lot of time talking about other people's experiences, a little too much time (in my opinion) talking about "GSA" and a lot of time about expectations.

It is important that he has a clear idea of what he wants out of the "relationship", considers what impact that will have on others and what, if any, boundaries does he want put in place. Its much better to think of these things first rather than doing it on the cuff whilst with her.

duchy

Not yet he hasn't- hopefully soon ...........and maybe even the half siblings he never knew he had ,

Lady_Tara

Hi, if he's on facebook I recommend joining some of the adoption groups. There's lots of adult adoptees now getting in touch with each other and I've found it hugely helpful to talk to other people who are in our unique situation.

I'd recommend trying to go slowly, which is difficult! I reunited 18 years ago, but after about 10 years things got too much and I am only now trying to recontact my bmum.

I'm not sure if we're allowed to "name" the adoptee groups I've mentioned, but if he searches on facebook for anything with adult adoptee in the title he should find them.

Hope all goes well

Tiglath

Good luck - I found mine on my own and had a good relationship with my birth mother until her recent death, and I've continued the relationship with the rest of her family. Try not to rush things and don't worry if it's not a smooth journey - it took us a while to find a relationship which was more of a friendship than a blood relationship.

Claire212

I met my birth mother through our social worker. We met for the first time with the social worker being present, and after many meetings with them, I was given the opportunity to read my adoption file and was lucky enough to have information about her in great detail as she had been a minor at the time of my adoption.

The social workers prepared me for every eventuality, so I supposed, but this was certainly not the case. My experience was unlike anything you read, but I was fortunate to know that our meeting was mutually agreed, if the outcome was not as expected, and we could go our seperate ways.

My brother on the other hand jumped in all guns blazing and turned up at his birth mothers door, he wrote letters to which she did not reply.

His experience ended in emotional disaster. She had married and not told her family she had a son. She had no other children, as giving birth to my brother had led to her being unable to have any more. She wanted nothing to do with him. Even the memory was painful. She closed the door in his face.

He walked away devestated, but luckily meeting his birth father was entirely different, he was welcomed with open arms, and he enjoys a close relationship with him and his brothers and sisters on his Dad's side.

Getting help, support and assistance with adoption is always a good thing, no matter how much you feel it helps or not at the time. You never know what you are walking into. Not everyone has a good experience. But most do!

Wishing you both well.

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