Marital breakdown?

tomandkath

I have just discovered that my husband of 23 years is having an affair. At the moment I'm at the numb, feeling sick stage, but before devastation kicks in I need advice please. I have no idea what I want my next move to be, but are there any precautionary things I should think about financially? Our mortgage is almost paid of and is in joint names; I know my husband has various annuities and savings in his name and I have an ever dwindling inheritance of about £150,000 that is in my name.
I don't really know what question I'm asking you, as I can't think straight, but if anyone has been in a similar position and understands my distress and confusion at the moment, I'd be grateful for advice.

bugbyte_2

No advice, just condolences. I hope it works out or you.

srcandas

tomandkath wrote: »

I have just discovered that my husband of 23 years is having an affair. At the moment I'm at the numb, feeling sick stage, but before devastation kicks in I need advice please. I have no idea what I want my next move to be, but are there any precautionary things I should think about financially? Our mortgage is almost paid of and is in joint names; I know my husband has various annuities and savings in his name and I have an ever dwindling inheritance of about £150,000 that is in my name.
I don't really know what question I'm asking you, as I can't think straight, but if anyone has been in a similar position and understands my distress and confusion at the moment, I'd be grateful for advice.

I'm a guy I'll say first just to be clear. Been through something similar.

Bit worried about your tag! Is this a shared logon?

Obviously there is a massive human thing going on and no one here can help with that. Hopefully you have friends near at hand.

But outside that I'd try and say with regard to money that the best way at all costs is an amicable settlement. In my case I got the value of the house, my pensions, other bits. I halfed it, went a little generous, and although that left me with just pensions and my wife property and money c'est la vie. Hopefully your husband will do something similar.

Appreciate that earning power has to be considered if there is a major difference. And how pensions are valued is tricky but you might explore the possibility of pension splitting.

That said I suggest you try and get a handle on it all, look at statements, local house values, bank statements to see what standing orders get paid, any share certificates, jot it all down - but do it without appearing to be preparing a prosecution case.

Then arrange a chat and suggest a straight down the middle settlement. Whatever you do I'd suggest you treat everything as the joint pot. If you get into where it came from all logic goes out the window. (I know it's tough but up till the affair you were an item).

Then move on. Glad to say my former wife and I have never been happier. And because it was amicable we can still chat if needs must.

My brother went the other route. The lawyers took their cut. They both ended up losers. They both extended their bitterness and used up over a year of life Reminds me of a certain Lib MP.

Not sure this is helping but it is offered with the best of intention. Life is short and very precious to waste. And tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Wishing you the very best.

SallyG

Lots of people including me have found solace, empathy and advice here:
http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

my advice - wise after the event - would be if you can, do nothing until you recover some of your sanity but from my foetal position on the kitchen floor I persuaded my ex-husband to use some of joint savings to pay off our offset mortgage which put at least that money beyond his frittering up the wall..... oh and while you're still sharing desk/filing cabinet/computer don't forget to copy documents - and never live like a church mouse in the run up to a divorce.
If you can afford advice see a Resolution accredited divorce IFA

xylophone

Don't assume you've come to the end of the road - your marriage is worth saving?

Try Relate?