Ex works away-childcare arrangements??

GE1986

Hi

My ex and I have been separated for 2 years. We have a 6 year old son. We have an arrangement where ex has our son on a friday night, I have him sat afternoon til sunday afternoon, then take him back to dad for sunday evening when he drops him at school on the monday. He also has him on a wednesday night.
Ex sometimes works away, and often says he can't have our son on a sunday night as he is setting off too early for work, and cant have him through the week either. The past 2 years we have managed this fine, and we have either arranged a different night or he has only had our on 1 night on that week.
However, he now seems to be doing it more regularly, and giving me very little notice (sometimes ringing an hour before school ends to tell me he wont be able to pick our son up-even though I work too), and also has begun swapping his friday night to the saturday night, with the understanding that I would have the saturday night free instead of the friday...he then has the friday night to himself and fails to show up on the saturday, so has the whole weekend to himself and any plans I have go out the window, and I have to make sure our son is too busy having a good time to notice dad hasnt shown up.

So basically, I want us to have set days; he has saturday night and wednesday night, and we'll not change them at all. He is able to tell work he cannot work away, and many people in his company have done so once they have children. I feel he is causing our son upset by being unreliable, as well as taking advantage of the fact I am trying to be reasonable and fair. He is making my working life suffer, as I have to leave work early on days he cancels picking our son up, without having arranged this with my manager, and also is ruining any social life I have, as he doesnt show up on days when we have rearranged.

Would a court agree that if we have set days those days have to be abided by, and if he wanted to work away on the night he had our son he would either have to not work away or arrange childcare himself, through his family/ friends?

Sorry this is so long, thanks for sticking with it!!

FBaby

I think you are setting yourself up for trouble by doing that. You agreed to some level of flexibility, the fact that you are not happy with it now is something to be discussed, not imposed.

It sounds like the problem started with him not giving you enough notice. I would start with this, saying that it makes it very difficult for you and your work and it is not pleasant for your son. Can you ask, in a I would appreciate it if...' way that if he needs to change the arranged days, he gives you two preferably, but at least one week's notice.

My experience is that finding some kind of arrangement in as much as avoiding imposing anything on the other is the only way to make it work, and to reduce stress for the children. I have found that whereas I was the one expected to be flexible when the kids were younger, it is now my ex who is being asked more often to be flexible. I always do give notice though.

GE1986

Thanks for your reply Fbaby. Unfortunately, I have tried asking, and have tried to be more than accommodating, but its just getting worse as time goes on. He refuses to discuss it as he says his career is more important than mine and I shouldnt be so selfish as to stifle it (when all Im trying to do is keep my career going despite the difficulites he puts in place!)

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

You can go to court and get a court order with regard to the days he see's your son. In that order, you can stipulate that he has to organise and pay for any childcare that arises due to his not being able to have them on his set days.

**Patty**

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

You can go to court and get a court order with regard to the days he see's your son. In that order, you can stipulate that he has to organise and pay for any childcare that arises due to his not being able to have them on his set days.

And how do you enforce that?

In the short term, what if he decides not to comply?

**Patty**

OP, i think it's time you took some control.


It's down to you to organise the childcare as you are the resident parent.

Don't ask him.......tell him! *this* will be happening now as a result of your unreliability.......you will now have to work your access round me.

Or in 5 years time he will still be walking all over you.

Savvy_Sue

I hope you have kept a diary: if not, I suggest you start one now. Just brief details: date, time of phone call to say he's not picking his son up from school, what you have to do in order to be able to leave work early at short notice etc. As for not turning up when expected over the weekend, list time you expected ex to arrive and when he actually did, if at all.

Keep emotion out of it, keep your social life out of it (although it's possible he's doing this in order to stop you having one), just log when he does see his son compared to when he's meant to see his son - sounds as if he's seeing a lot less than he used to.

Then maybe - just maybe - a letter to the effect that he seems to be seeing his son less than he used to, the uncertainty is unsettling for his son, could you FOR YOUR CHILD'S BENEFIT reach an agreement which works.

BTW, is he paying maintenance? If this is through the CSA, your diary could be useful in establishing that he should be paying more, isn't it pro rata to the number of days the child stays with each parent?

Another thought: is there an after school club at your son's school? Is it worth booking him into that once a week? Suggest that if a later pickup would help Dad, the club could be used ...

Or even look for a childminder for Dad's pickup days ...