Arguments; money troubles, insecurities and trust issues

inthedeep

Hello all,

I hope I'm posting in the correct part of MSE; seemingly I started a thread in what I thought would be a helpful forum only to be targeted by trolls who have since deleted their horrible posts (typical).


Before I go in to specifics I shall explain a little about me and my partner; I'm 29 and she is 23 (we are a lesbian couple), we have been together since December 2012 after meeting on the internet (POF to be precise). We got on straight away and so naturally ended up official after a week or so of meeting.


Both myself and my partner have mental health problems (depression and anxiety) and we both deal with things differently, but I thought and still believe we can work with this.


My partner earns significantly less than me and doesn't seem to understand that although I have a higher paid job (which possibly isn't justified compared to the nature of her job) I have significantly more outgoings and commitments; I live in a houseshare where I pay £440 a month inc all bills, she lives in her deceased grandparents home and only has to pay £200 rent a month and the rest on bills (no more than £100 a month as it's split with her friend who also lives there). I also drive and have a car on finance; she doesn't drive, she has pay as you go, I have phone contract etc etc.


Recently we seem to be arguing about my finances, which although I appreciate she is showing concern is something I want to deal with on my own; the way I see things is it's my mess, therefore why impede it on the people who mean the most to me and cause them un-necessary stress and worry? Although I owe money out I don't consider myself to be in serious debt; every month I am paying my debts off on time and I've currently put a budget plan in place to help me stick to it and pay more off.


My partner is aware of my budget plan yet yesterday kept adding things to the basket in B&M expecting me to pay; which I did but which resulted in an argument because I was naturally peeved at spending my budget for the week in a day!!


That's one problem, the next is the problem is more personal and more something I could probably learn to live with but she is really insecure. Scenario for you; we're sat on the sofa and she is playing on her Xbox and I will get my phone out "Who are you texting", or I will get on my iPad "What are you doing, who are you talking to?". I've told her but she says it's who she is so I have to do my best to live with it...and, If I'm truthful I really am struggling.


If anyone could give me any advice on how to cope, etc, that would be great. I've tried talking to her and it seems to make a difference until money is discussed or until I snap because I'm asked for reassurance all the time.


FYI I DO want this to work, more than anything.


L x

tango

You may want it to work, but that doesn't mean it is necessarily the right relationship for you both.

Maybe get your finances sorted on your own then look to start a relationship with something who is more on your wavelength

xx

inthedeep

That's the thing though, I do feel that we are meant to be. I've had a lot of failed relationships in the past, but although this one doesn't feel great all the time it does the majority of the time.

She is understandably insecure as she had a terrible ordeal when she was younger and she struggled to let people in.


I guess I've to be more understand and she just has to be more accepting of me too.


x

Tenyearstogo

You're 3 months into this relationship and and telling us multiple problems. Why are you so serious already? Shouldn't you still be at the dating stage?

Joons

Seems a lot of problem awful quick, 3 months is the honeymoon period, it's not looking good tbh.

dandelionclock30

Could you talk to your partner about the fact that you want to manage your own finances and as things are a bit tight at the moment you can only manage your own shopping? Your not living with her so shes taking liberties by putting things in your shopping basket without asking. Its not like your running a household together.
Could you do things together instead of her playing on the x box and you being on your phone?.It doesn't sound like your having a lot of fun together, can you go out to the pictures or go for a swim together or something?.I think relationships need quality time and it sounds like your both sat there doing on your own thing.
I think you need to think about what you want and if this is it and talk to her.

marisco_2

inthedeep wrote: »

We got on straight away and so naturally ended up official after a week or so of meeting.

I think this may have been the start of your problems. To end up official with someone, after only knowing them for a week, seems extremely quick to me. You hardly had enough time to really get to know each other, before you became entwined in each others lives.

This could be why, after only three months in, problems are arising. All I can recommend is lots of open communication. If your relationship is strong then it will withstand total honesty. This is the only way you are going to feel comfortable and secure with each other.

midnightraven3

you seem to be expected to do a whole lot of compromising and paying and she is ..............well, what IS she contributing to the relationship?

the money aspect
why exactly were you expected to pay for the things she wanted?to she HAS to understand you outgoings are higher, but even if she didnt she is just expecting you to pay, thats not right, it shouldnt BE a row,

asking who you are speaking to or texting
you are sitting right there, you do not need to justify, even if it is "who she is"

can you REALLY live like that?
she sounds incredibly spoiled & high maintenance
a few months in you should be in the honeymoon stage, not like this
you have to establish boundaries and expectations before this escalates any further, or cut your losses

bagpussbear

I think you've got very serious with each other quickly, but knowing the in's and out's of each other's finances so quickly in a relationship isn't the best thing (in my humble opinion), given that you are not living together yet.

Reading between the lines, this sounds an issue about control and also privacy, rather than money - she knows that you have a budget yet 'forces' things in your shopping basket. You've told her you don't like her constantly asking who you are talking to/doing, yet says it's who she is and you must live with it.

You both need to talk, and fast if you want to continue in this relationship and be happy. You both suffer depression, and these sorts of things can bring you down very quickly. I am wondering if some sort of relationship counselling could help you both?

Errata

You've both reached the point where you've started to really get to know each other, and don't like what you see. That can happen, and when it does generally people just move on.