I don't love my partner anymore :-(

hereigoagain22

Hi folks

Will try and keep this as short as possible without missing anything important out.

I have been with my partner for 4.5 years. We have a 2.5year old and a 9month old.

The relationship has been good, maybe a little jealously & controlling behaviour on my partner's side at times but generally a healthy relationship. My partner has supported me through postnatal depression after my first child.

My second pregnancy last year, my partner changed into a horrible person I didn't know and I later found out he was having an affair towards the end of my pregnancy (not the full story as his mother died and he was suffering depression) and until she ended it a few weeks after our son was born. The circumstances were disgusting and unforgiveable - i.e. telling me he needed to borrow my car for work so he could go pick her up, offering to take our daughter to the park so he could spend the time messaging her, messaging/talking with her while I was in hospital with pregnancy related problems, taking a condom and telling me he was going to the dentist a few days after our son was born but actually meeting her for sex, I could go on and on but you get the idea!

We seperated in August last year, when our son was a month old and I found out about the affair through a friend. His behaviour after the split was pretty disgusting too.

Now, he lost his family, his job, his friends etc. over this and went through a bit of extreme depression. He seems to have "manned" up a bit and realised his mistakes. I genuinely believe he is sorry and that he would never do anything like this again. He has been trying to put his life back together - counselling, treatment for depression, find his friends etc. We have gone through periods of being "on" and "off" since the split in August. I have moved to my Mums.

But the problem is now that I just don't love him any more. The damage is done. It's not that I feel angry or upset or hurt over the affair any longer, I couldn't really care too much about it or the sex - it was his mistake, not mine and I very rarely think of it. I just don't see anything in him anymore, he's not the man I thought he was. I'm turning into a bit of a monster - I've been chatting to other people, say nasty things to him and deliberately ignore him etc. and when he's upset I can't be bothered with him and just want him gone. I only see him once a week or so and don't miss his company in the slightest. I'm quite happy alone.

There are other issues too - he doesn't like me seeing certain friends, going out causes so much grief I'd rather not, he is a compulsive liar about money. I've always though he's been a good father to the kids but he doesn't bother his backside with them. He has NEVER taken them out since the youngest was born, he's had the eldest staying over once at his place (excuse because he shares with a friend) and I had to collect her as she wasn't "settling". He's supposed to come and help with the youngest one night per week as he doesn't sleep well but he will get up once with him then start swearing and shouting in the middle of the night as he isn't going back to sleep. If we're not on speaking terms and I don't want him in the house because of his behaviour he will refuse to see the kids or help with them in any way at all. He loves the kids and when he's with me plays an active part in their life but seems unable to function without me.

He knows that something is wrong as he has been texting me 30 times a day. I just want this over so I can move on.

I know what will happen though as it happens every time. I'll tell him my feelings have changed and I don't want to be with him and he'll turn nasty and abusive and threatening, threaten to take the kids then say he never wants to see them again. He has threatened suicide without me and I really believe that he is capable of it, I don't know if he could live without me and that's my biggest worry. Without me, I doubt he will ever sort his life out and see and care for the kids. I don't have the support of my family so I'd be on my own too.

I don't even know why I'm posting this! Guess I am just looking for permission or something for somebody to say just cut ties, leave it up to him to sort himself out for the kids and move on with my life without feeling guilty and ashamed. I just don't know what to do anymore.

ValHaller

hereigoagain22 wrote: »

I don't even know why I'm posting this! Guess I am just looking for permission or something for somebody to say just cut ties, leave it up to him to sort himself out for the kids and move on with my life without feeling guilty and ashamed. I just don't know what to do anymore.

He sounds like someone who you would do well not to let past your front door. But you need to be the one to decide that. I suspect that if you make that decision, a few other things may fall into place.

dorothy52

Permission granted. There. You deserve so much more than this and people who threaten suicide DO NOT DO IT.

Been where you are many years ago and it will be hard, but listen to some advice from an old bird, you and your children will be so much better without him. Just tell him then ignore his calls and texts and refuse to discuss it with him further. It really is that simple. He will hound you for a while and when he realises that he is wasting his time he will get the message and leave him alone. The trick is to be calm but firm. Tell him once and refuse to discuss it further.

Good Luck, you will look back on this in a few years and realise what a lucky escape you have had

marisco_2

hereigoagain22 wrote: »

But the problem is now that I just don't love him any more. The damage is done. It's not that I feel angry or upset or hurt over the affair any longer, I couldn't really care too much about it or the sex - it was his mistake, not mine and I very rarely think of it. I just don't see anything in him anymore, he's not the man I thought he was.

He let you down when you should have been able to rely on him the most. To have an affair at anytime is an awful thing to do to your partner. For him to do this to you, whilst you were pregnant and in and out of hospital with problems, makes what he did very cold and calculated. The continuous lies just go to show how little he held you in regard.

Realising he was capable of doing this to you has broken beyond repair any respect you had for him. He betrayed your trust and that has most likely tainted how you view the time you were with him.

For your own sake though move on from him knowing you deserve way, way better.

NoAngel

hereigoagain22 wrote: »

I don't even know why I'm posting this! Guess I am just looking for permission or something for somebody to say just cut ties, leave it up to him to sort himself out for the kids and move on with my life without feeling guilty and ashamed. I just don't know what to do anymore.

You haven't said anything in your post to make me disagree with this bit! Sounds like its exactly what you want, and maybe seeing your thoughts all downin writing will confirm this for you. Good luck.

nearlyrich

Been there too my ex had an affair when I was pregnant with our second child, I threw him out and later took him back before dd's first bithday he was at it again. He was useless as a dad often missed picking them up for access visits etc. I agree with dorothy52 you will look back and see a lucky escape good luck x

marisco_2

hereigoagain22 wrote: »

I'll tell him my feelings have changed and I don't want to be with him and he'll turn nasty and abusive and threatening, threaten to take the kids then say he never wants to see them again. He has threatened suicide without me and I really believe that he is capable of it

This strongly suggests that he is unstable. I dont wish to worry you but he is threatening to take the kids, then says he never wants to see them again and is threatening suicide. You know him best but to me that implies he may do them and himself harm.

poet123

He burned his boats by choice, you have nothing to reproach yourself for, whatever he does is resultant from his own actions, not yours.

What I would say, reluctantly, but I feel it needs to be said, is that given his state of mind and your fear he may do harm to himself is please don't give him unsupervised access to your children. You see these cases on the news where estranged fathers have not only taken themselves out but harmed their children to take revenge on their wives. Don't give him that chance.

marisco_2

I agree with poet123 100%

sweaty_betty

marisco wrote: »

This strongly suggests that he is unstable. I dont wish to worry you but he is threatening to take the kids, then says he never wants to see them again and is threatening suicide. You know him best but to me that implies he may do them and himself harm.

I also heard warning bells when I read this.

OP - what you're feeling is completely understandable, he's behaved badly and you've reached the point of no return. Personally I'd stop treating him badly (as you described, ignoring him etc) just to retain the moral high ground, and just tell him that it's over. End of story.

In terms of the children, he's shown he's not capable of taking sole responsibility for them (from your description) so I would tell him he can have supervised access only, to set your mind at rest if you're not sure what he's capable of. If he objects to this, get legal advice.

Good luck.

jjj1980

OP, I've been in your position in recent years so can totally understand how you are feeling.

I went through an absolutely horrendous 2 years due to my now-ex husbands behaviour. I got all the "I'm going to kill myself", "I'll take the baby and disappear with her" etc threats. He also used to threatened to kill me, burn my house down, tried to convince me a I was mentally ill, told people that my little one was being abused, neglected and kept malnourished. When in truth, he had never helped with her care at all, had been drinking heavily and taking drugs while out of the house, producing faked receipts for rent and bills whilst getting us in serious debt, sneaking my bankcard out of the house and emptying my bank account of all my redundancy money. During this time was I pregnant and suffering from Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome and nearly died. My daughter was 6 weeks early and we were in hospital 3 weeks with only 30 minute visits from him every few days.

I had to get the police involved in the end as I was getting 30-40 abusive calls and possibly double that in texts every day from him. They gave him a written Harrassment Warning and solicitors dealing with the divorce arranged the contact with our daughter so that I supervised, at a children's centre. After many failed visits, his contact of 6 hours spread throughout the week was reduced to one hour per week and he still can't keep to that!

I feel so much more relaxed and happy since the divorce. It took a lot of strength, which at the time I found hard to muster but I'm so glad I did. I, like you, tried to make things work but the deceit and abusive had destroyed any trust and love I ever had for him.

I used to be really bothered by the fact that he was feeding tons of lies to his family and friends about what an evil person I am and that they were believing him and siding with him. Now, I couldn't give a stuff what they think of me! If they want to believe him, that's their choice but one day, his behaviour will become apparent to them and they will see the true person.

From my experience, any threats from him to commit suicide, run away with the children will show courts that he is not suitable to be left alone with the children as it's their needs that come first, not his.

I found that the courts were totally happy with me offer that I would allow contact, with my supervision, whilst ever his behaviour stayed right.

Am sending you some strength to use to get through the difficult times, as I promise, it does settle down.