How to tell my husband about a hidden credit card debt :(

summerjazz

Hi I'm new here and and am hoping for some support and advice.

I have £4k on a credit card which my husband does not know about. I have not used the card for well over a year and I have been wanting to be honest about the card for a while but haven't been through fear and shame, and now my hand has been forced as he has applied to transfer the mortgage to a new provider (Yorkshire Building Society) and they will not accept sole applications from married people. The mortgage is currently with Nationwide and is in his name only as he brought the house a year before we married.

He called me in a hurry at work a few days ago to tell me that it needs to be in my name too and to go through the preliminary online questions quickly. Unfortunately I was extremely busy at the time and unable to talk finances and disclose debt in the middle of the office and there has not been time since. Yorkshire Building Society have booked us an appointment with one of their mortgage advisors soon and I want my husband to know about my card debt before this appointment so that we don't get refused or run into any problems.

My credit rating is 506 out of 600 with Equifax and my husband's is as high as it can get. Fortunately he is in a well paid job and is great with money whereas I am neither We do have the means to pay this £4k off soon but my pride and shame means that I want to pay it. I am also prepared to have my wages paid directly to him so that there cannot be anymore lies and deceit, which I hate myself for.

The reason for my credit card debt is because a few years ago during a rough time for us I became addicted to the psychics and tarot readers on Liveperson. and spent lots of money 'talking' to what I now know are frauds on there.

I really don't know how to talk to him. Sadly it isn't the first time I've run up credit card debts behind his back. It happened previously as I was young and stupid but he bailed me out. This time it's because I was stupid and reckless and I hate myself for having lied to the one person I should have been honest with. I fear that this is going to tear us apart. My husband is the kindest, most generous and trusting people I know and this is going to hurt him terribly.

I never, ever, EVER, want another credit card in my name. I feel very alone and a failure. My family and closest friends are over 100 miles away and I don't have anywhere else to turn for advice We are also dealing with the recent knowledge that I could be infertile, but that's a different matter...

I am trying to gather up the courage to have the conversation with him....thanks in advance for any support and advice. For what it's worth, I don't have any other card debt or loans, just £200 on my catalogue.

Takeaway_Addict

Its going to come out at some point so why not just band aid it and rip it of quickly so the pain is short lived.

4k isn't to bad you know by the way, some people hide it and it balloons to tens of thousands.

I would try not to beat yourself up about it and maybe you and him should look at paying into a joint account the wages so everything is open to both parties?

michael1983l

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in but you clearly have to come clean. It really depends on your own relationship together as to how you approach this. I think we can only offer you support and courage bgut we could not advise you about how to break it to your husband. You know your husband well and if your relationship is strong £4k should not get in the way of that. £4k isn't really that much money in this day and age either, so its not as bad as you think.

The_Boss

Credit rating with Equifax means NOTHING.

As before, £4k isn't huge, you haven't defaulted and are presumably paying it back so at least you haven't irresponsibly ignored it.

summerjazz

The_Boss wrote: »

Credit rating with Equifax means NOTHING.

As before, £4k isn't huge, you haven't defaulted and are presumably paying it back so at least you haven't irresponsibly ignored it.

That's right - I haven't defaulted and am paying back just over the minimum payment each month. I know that isn't ideal but my wages mean I can't afford to pay off a huge chunk each month. I will never, ever get another credit card nor use or trust Liveperson again

KimLouise17

hi
i just wanted to tell you my story,

ive been with my partner for 5 years, we have a lovely daughter together but im terrible with money, i had 5,000 worth of debt when we met, bu during our relationship i built up an extra 4,000 worth of debt without him knowing.


i always wanted to tell him but the same as you, there was never a right time (me not wanting to mainly) it wasnt that i didnt want to tell him, i just didnt want him to leave me.

a year ago i bit the bullet, i sat him down and told him, yes he was upset, yes he was angry that i had kept it from him, but he did say he was glad i told him and he didnt find out from someone else (ie the mortage consultant).

i just wanted to give you some hope, believe me the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

i hope everything works out ok for you, just tell him.

summerjazz

KimLouise17 wrote: »

hi
i just wanted to tell you my story,

ive been with my partner for 5 years, we have a lovely daughter together but im terrible with money, i had 5,000 worth of debt when we met, bu during our relationship i built up an extra 4,000 worth of debt without him knowing.


i always wanted to tell him but the same as you, there was never a right time (me not wanting to mainly) it wasnt that i didnt want to tell him, i just didnt want him to leave me.

a year ago i bit the bullet, i sat him down and told him, yes he was upset, yes he was angry that i had kept it from him, but he did say he was glad i told him and he didnt find out from someone else (ie the mortage consultant).

i just wanted to give you some hope, believe me the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

i hope everything works out ok for you, just tell him.

Thank you and I know I will feel a lot better once I've done it...I'm desperately trying to pluck up the courage to tell him soon...

eyeopener2

Hey, mine went to £24k and when my OH found out it was awful, but I've told the story many times but all you need to do is tell him. £4k isn't a lot if you have the means to pay it back. It when you can't that the **** hit the fan.

Tell him, take the initial upset and get on with your lives. Once it's out you will feel great and then you can sort out paying it back.

What would happen if he found out first? That's what happened to me and its much much worse than confessing.

Vikipollard

As others have said, whilst still a debt, £4k is not so bad.

Three things stand out for me:

You havent used the card in over a year, so it's possible to show you arent dependant on it.

You say you used it when you (collectively) were going through a difficult time ~ he is pretty likely to at least be able to relate to that.

You are paying it off - even if it is only slowly.

I have the particular hairshirt you are wearing, having also done the hidden debt twice, but to a much bigger scale. Before I told him, I already had a plan for what I was going to do to deal with it. It was a devastating time, but we got through it. We did go down the route of my money going into his account (for five years!), but I now control the finances as I've shown I can do it and am ruthless about it.

Yes, he's likely to be upset and cross, but being able to show that you are dealing with it is good.

Good luck ~ remember he is likely to be as hurt that you didnt feel able to tell him at the time, but that will be because he feels guilt that he may have let you down.

Pickle49

I haven't posted for a while, but one of my original posts a couple of months ago was exactly the same dilemma as yours...except my debt was £21,000 and my husband knew nothing about it.
You should be able to find it if you click on my previous posts..there aren't that many.
Anyway, I think you should tell him. It always seems to be worse when partners find out rather than to be told. It will be difficult at first but you will feel so much better about it all when it is out in the open. I am so pleased I have told my hubby who is also like yours in being the nicest, kindest,generous most understanding person you could ever hope to meet. There are now no secrets between us and I feel totally relaxed for the first time in years.
Yes, I still have the debts..although I have a plan of action in place and am sticking to it and am making steady progress but at least it's all out in the open and I don't have to lie or make excuses anymore.
Good luck. Thinking of you. X

dave8204

I've been on the end of this one,the first I knew of my ex-wife's debts was when the repossession letter arrived.To cut a long story short she owned the flat before we were married so I paid her half of what she'd supposedly paid until then and further payments were made from our joint account.What I didn't know was that she had several other debts,credit cards mostly,and was already being chased by the Building Society for mortgage arrears.If I'd known this I could have sorted the situation but I just gave her the money and thought nothing of the spending spree that followed thinking we/she had the money,were getting by quite nicely so what?
When I got that letter it was a real kick in the teeth,seemingly fate had it that the post was late that day so she couldn't intercept the mail as usual.When I asked her as calmly as most could manage under the circumstances a real horror story slowly unravelled and letters from debt collection agencies dug out from her handbag etc.By then she'd been in and out of work funding her days off (with me obliviously not knowing she wasn't going to work every day) with what was left the money I'd given her and yet more cards.Luckily for me the flat was still in her name and the cards in hers or I'd have had trouble getting back on my feet after we split up,as it was I walked away with 2 armchairs,no money and a stack of utility bills,only a relative's kindness giving me a roof over my head.
Tell him,the sooner the better,he'll be upset but 4 grand? I'd have settled for that.I could have handled my Exes debt if she'd have told me and let me deal with her creditors instead of ignoring letters and blowing money that could have at least kept a roof over our heads.
It was dishonesty that finished us,not debt.You've possibly been unwise and spent money where others probably wouldn't have but you obviously had your reasons.Until your appointment with the mortgage advisor that wasn't an issue.As one who's been bitten and is definitely "twice shy" I can't see that you've done anything wrong.He sounds like a decent bloke and I'd guess firstly it's nothing that can't be sorted and secondly he'd want to discuss why you needed to go to online "psychics" in the first place which might just be a good conversation to have.Good luck.