Advice re sons contact with his dad.

masonsmum

A lot of you may remember my posts last summer regarding my ex husband taking me to court for contact arrangements with our son, I had never ever not allowed contact but ex wanted to get DS as and when suited him working around his work and social life and basically the judge laughed him out of court awarding his contact on a saturday night from 6pm till 6pm on a Sunday, which he doesnt always stick to as he "needs a social life too"

So anyway I was really looking for some advice as what to do as my son is very unhappy about his contact with his dad, ex husband has depression issues and it seems to be reflecting on my son as he is a bit of a worrier and I can see it effecting his health now.

He says when he is with his dad all his dad does it tell him off for being happy at home (with my new partner and I) as DS and OH have an amazing relationship and are very close, DS states his dad was shouting and screaming at him on Saturday that DS should realise how much this is hurting his dad and he is not even allowed to mention my partners name in his dads presence. When he came home last night he burst into tears the minute he came in the door, he was up crying 3 times during the night and I have kept him off school today as he is so down, he is a normally a lively energetic young boy and he wont even move or talk today.

Any advice on how I can tackle this - I have tried to speak to his dad but he seems to think he is right in his behaviour and doesnt see the effect it is having on DS.

I would love to be able to stop contact but what would this mean??

Thanks in advance folks xx

fluffnutter

How old is your son? If contact stops, and that's a big IF, it must be your son's decision. For this to be a meaningful decision your son needs to be fairly old.

I'd caution against stopping contact. It's good for your son and it's good for your ex. Despite your reservations, they both need a relationship together and should be supported in developing a good one. That's not to say you're the right person to provide that support - that's not reasonable, but I do think your ex needs support. He's depressed. Whilst that's manifesting in unhelpful behaviour towards your son, at the end of the day, the guy needs some help. How horrible for him to not only be suffering with depression, but to have to stop seeing his son too. Can you suggest he sees his GP, or at least tries to talk to someone? All you can do is calmly point out how his behaviour affects your son and hope that he'll come to the right conclusions himself in time.

BTW, I appreciate why you did it, but I'm not sure keeping your boy off school is a good idea. School would have been a good distraction for him, seeing his friends, doing his lessons, all of these things would have taken his mind off worrying about his dad. Routine is really important and especially for people prone to anxiety. Moping about the house is not going to make him feel any better.

jetplane

How old is your son? Why would you love to stop contact rather than try mediation. You speak of your ex with derision in your post, and big up his relationship with your current OH, do you do this with your son?

Mojisola

Is there someone at school that he would comfortable talking to? The school would understand that he may need extra support at school and you will have other people involved who have heard the facts from him if you do try to reduce the contact.

As your ex does want his social life, would he accept seeing his son for a shorter time. No child should be put alone again and again in what sounds like a very distressing situation.

BitterAndTwisted

What would I do?

When it came time for the pick-arrangements being made I would let son talk to Dad and if he doesn't want to go he should tell his Dad that.

masonsmum

My son is 7 - this is a recurring problem it seems when my ex's depression flares up he seems to take it out on my son and it deeply effects him as he is a sensitive soul.

I have tried to offer alternatives with contact but unfortunatley my ex is not reasonable he wants it all his own way all the time and is a very aggresive violent bully. My OH and I understand the importance of DS having a relationship with his dad and have always encouraged it but I hate to see my son in a state like this.

suki1964

When my parents divorced, my dad got custody mum got contact every fortnight, sunday, 9am - 6pm

My dad made our lives hell for going

Even now nearly 40 years later I remember the rages he flew into if we spoke about our day with mum


You need to find a way to intervene, I dont know how these things work but is there no way you can get contact arranged as supervised only ?

You are right that your son needs to keep contact with his dad but hes going to grow to hate and fear him if hes exposed to this every time he sees him

little-spender

Have you discussed it with your son, if he wants access the way it is or if he feels he would rather not go with his father.. You may need to go down the supervised contact route if your son still wants to see his dad.. I would normally say to keep the access up, but if your son is so upset and dad isn't willing to listen to and act upon that there may be no other course.

Does your Ex have maybe just one episode of depression a year, say or is it more on/off type of thing.?

EDIT....I also meant to say, It is so nice that your OH has fitted so nicely into your family in regards to your son

jetplane

I have tried to offer alternatives with contact but unfortunatley my ex is not reasonable he wants it all his own way all the time and is a very aggresive violent bully.

I would not want an aggressive violent bully having access to my son, how did the court allow access? Can you not go back to court, mediation or supervised access.

tango

Maybe you need to go back to court. Contact may need to be shorter with no overnight stay if things have deteriorated. The court are interested in the wellbeing of the child first and foremost, and he is only seven.

masonsmum

When we went to court there were no character descriptions etc asked for as I was not disputing contact I just wanted a set agreement in place so he didnt just turn up at my door and want to take him away with no prior notice.

However things have got steadily worse in the last year and I dont know if it due to DS getting older and understanding what it going on more when his dad behaves like this.

DS is a clever boy and is excelling at school - he has been ill twice now in the past fortnight and not wanting to go to school and I hope this is not effecting his school life.

Ex's depression seems to flare up 3/4 times a year - we can go months where everything is fine and then BOOM everything kicks off again.