Partner recently discovered my hidden debts

illegally_blonde

Hi everyone,

I am long time lurker, first time poster on this board. Been reading about a lot of other peoples debt problems similar to mine, good to know I am not alone. Basically through my own stupidity and lack of budgeting/overspending I have managed to rack up over 10k of debts, 2.5k on payday loans, the rest credit cards/catalogues. I can't believe how foolish I have been, and I am so close to losing my fianc! and son because of it. To cut a long story short, I'd kept the debt hidden, secretly hoping I'd manage to pay it all off one day, but the payments became unmanageable and debt collectors started phoning the house. Eventually I confessed last week, at first my fianc! was very supportive, but in the days that followed- he withdrew from me, saying he didn't know if he could trust me, etc, and that I'd hurt him. He is devastated that I couldn't come to him rather than loan sharks and other forms of high interest credit. he gives my son and I everything we need, the most generous, kind hearted person I've ever met. But he feels like I've taken the p**s out of him for doing this behind his back.

We had some savings that was meant to be for a house/wedding but he has let me use this to repay the payday loans, the rest of the debt I am planning on entering a DMP. With his help, I can have the debt repaid in 2-3 years.

I am just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience with hiding debts? And did your partner/husband eventually come round?

I'm terrified of losing him, we have been together 7 years and I love him so much, I was just too scared to tell him sooner incase he left me. He says he still has to make a decision whether to give me another chance. I should mention that in my early 20's I ran up debt but that was through wreckless spending, this time the debts are more for living expenses/nursery fees. Not that it makes it right, it definitely doesn't. I should have faced up to this sooner, if I had done this 2 years ago things wouldn't have been half as bad.

Planning on having a clear out today to eBay stuff to try and get extra cash.


Anyone got any good advice or been through similar? I can't eat or sleep for worrying

eyeopener2

Yes!

It was awful at the start. Our joint account debit card was refused in tesco and well, you can imagine what happened after that. I had to tell all, all all £24k of it.

I had to move out for a while but when she was convinced that I had a plan - and more importantly stuck to it - then things will begin to get better.

You have to prove you have changed. Prove you can be trusted with money.

I bet he's more annoyed at you not trusting him than the actual debt? That you couldn't confide in him?
I implore anybody reading this thread to tell all and fess up now, now its much easier in the long run.

illegally_blonde

Thanks for replying- yes, it's the trust issue, he is distraught that I could lie to him like this, and for so long, but the more I tried to hide it, the worse it got..it's like he just doesn't want to be here with me anymore, whether it's temporary or not, remains to be seen.

I am trying to prove to him that I have changed, going on DmP, and never ever taking out any more credit again. I even said I'd go for counselling, whatever it takes. The way he sees it though is that I could do the same all over again, and that will be another few years of his life wasted. He is in his early 30's and thought he would be a house owner/married by now.. I am holding all this up for him. We have never had any stumbling blocks before in our relationship, so this has hit him very hard, as we were, up till last week blissfully happy. Well, on the surface.

eyeopener2

Look, he still in shock So will be thinking all sorts of bad things. Your doing the right thing by sorting your DMP and once that has settled down he will see your trying.

Best thing is to try and keep things as normAl as possible at the moment, don't go overboard on trying to please him. Make sure you don't buy any rubbish like magazines or Starbucks coffees, just live frugally and show him you mean what you say. One of the cuff purchase or remark could end up in a row, and this debt thing will be thrown in your face a few times over the coming months, so control every penny as if your relationship depended on it.

Things will settle, just give him time.

kittiej

Hang on a minute, you are saying that this debt has accrued due to nursery fees and living expenses?

Does he have any idea how much the fess and expenses are? How 'active' is he in the day to day running of your household?

Sorry for the question overload but I do think that he is being very one sided if he is putting all the blame onto you.

Your child is a shared responsibility, your household is a shared responsibility as well so for him to be saying that he doesn't know if he can continue the relationship is extremely unfair.

You both need to sit down and undertake a joint overhaul of what is happening in your household and you both need to take responsibility.

Yes you racked up the debt, and yes it is in your name, but had he taken more of a pro-active input then perhaps you wouldn't have taken these steps.

Better_Off_1983

I felt guilty about my £30k debt when I was with my ex, I got into so much debt because I was not happy at home and wanted to move out and stand on my own two feet and have some freedom. I was only working a minimum wage job at 19 and had no idea how to budget!

The debt was living expenses - rent, bills shopping etc.

I went through debt management companies and they did not do the job they were paid to do (fee charging DMC)! So I took ownership of the debts myself. It was a vicious cycle... I would pay the minimum payment on a credit card and then use it again - rather like a payday loan... pay it back and then take it back out again because I had no money.

I just had to find a better paid job, made cutbacks and then eventually paid more than the minimum payments. Luckily, I was awared £7.5k back in PPI and used that to pay back the loans.

My ex used to be very patronising about my debt when I told him about them. I used to call them 'financial commitments' he said "NO!! They are debts!" I left him for other reasons. But it did feel like a dirty secret prior to telling my ex.

Mojisola

illegally_blonde wrote: »

this time the debts are more for living expenses/nursery fees.

How are your household finances organised? How can you go into debt for living expenses and nursery fees? Aren't they joint, family expenses?

Grumpygit

I've been through this as well - I had debts in my name of about 26k - it came out and hubby was angry about the debt but the main thing was that he didn't know about it.

The debt wasn't down to me totally - yes I have shopped till I dropped but the majority of it came from trips away, trips back to his home town (where I shopped as we don't have the shops over here so I hold my hands up to that), stuff for the house, meals out for us and just stuff.

I have always earned more than him but I was also paying childminding fees for my daughter as well as half the household bills and for a time, half a mortgage as well.

We were very lucky in that we received inheritance which cleared all of our debt (he also had a loan) and enabled us to get a mortgage and a house.

In the months that followed, yes, he threw it in my face several times and he still will do from time to time in a jokey way.

I would go through your statements etc and just tot up how much was for you as a family and not just you splurging - I know that it won't change anything, but it may help with the situation between you both if you can prove that x amount was actually expenses that he should have helped with etc.....it will make you feel a bit better.

I don't have a cc now because I know that I would just spend spend spend. I do have a loan to pay which paid for laser eye surgery - but he knows about that.

I don't know if he trusts me yet but I know that I don't trust me yet.

But some of the advice given above is good - don't try too hard to "creep" around him, don't buy anything you don't need ie magazines etc and if he was pretty lazy about household bills or shopping - then get him to do it all - he may then understand a bit more about what you spent money on.

marisco_2

eyeopener2 wrote: »

One of the cuff purchase or remark could end up in a row, and this debt thing will be thrown in your face a few times over the coming months, so control every penny as if your relationship depended on it.

It is not much of a relationship, if the OP has to walk round on eggshells fearing her partner will throw her mistake in her face, if he views she steps out of line.

Personally I question how good the relationship is because she felt so unable to tell him that she was struggling financially and ended up in this mess.

Take advice from a debt charity OP about how to slowly clear your debt and get back on your feet. Communicate with your partner openly but dont take being emotionally punished because you made a mistake, that doesn't solve anything after all.

illegally_blonde

Thanks everyone for your comments and sound advice. The thing is, when my son started nursery we were getting some child tax credits but then my partners earnings increased and we got them stopped, that's when the problems started, having to find an extra £130 a week. He took over the payments for rent, and some other bills, but basically everything else was split, ie, the council tax, the gas/elec, the food shopping. He earns nearly double what I do, so we should have had a proper discussion and write down everything we had to pay. I have to take the majority of the responsibility as I told him I could pay the fees on top of halving the bills. How wrong was I.

He was out last night, and now he's saying he is going back to the pub tonight with friends coz he can't stand being in the house with me at the moment. I am willing to give him time, but I don't want my bad mistake being used as a free pass out drinking every weekend- I have saw first hand how this solves nothing and contributed to the divorce of his parents.

I hope it's just this weekend that things are like this and maybe get better with time. I am at the stage now where if he wants to end it, I need to know now. The uncertainty is killing me.

Thanks again for the replies.

Miss_Poohs

I can throw some light from the receiving end - my husband ran up massive debts behind my back to the tune of £86,000!!

I sniffed a rat a couple of times but had nothing to go on and when I openly asked him about it he denied any problems.

Eventually his mum spilt the beans when she phoned and asked me if we had financial probs because she was getting phone calls to her house, jointly owned with my DH.

I tackled him about it again and reluctantly he admitted the whole shocking truth!! I felt angry, cheated, lost and mostly deceived. I ranted and raved and cried - lots.

I told him if he wanted to stay married to me he would have to speak to a debt counsellor and get something sorted out.

I put our home and mortgage in my name only - and stayed with him.

That was 5 yrs ago almost to the day - I still don't trust him with money, and if I'm honest I probably never will.

I have helped him reclaim PPI on his debts and he has been paying back his creditors via a DPP to the tune of £6000 per yr. I told him I'd support him all I could but refused to help pay off his debts, he'd do that himself.

It's hard going - and he still gets angry at himself for getting into that mess, but we're dealing with and I am proud of him for paying it back.

I guess I'll never understand why he couldn't have just spoken to me about it though.

Good luck - stick with it and show your OH you can and will deal with this.