Partner recently discovered my hidden debts

illegally_blonde

He basically said that if the family splits - its my fault and that him & my son would find a place together.. Out of order to say that (and over my dead body he would be taking him off me) there's not a chance I'd let him do that.

He's been working late last week, probably in the hope that we don't speak to each other. Seems to want to avoid the issue, maybe because he hasn't decided one way or another what to do. When he does get home though he is getting upset and been crying loads (which he never does) I have truly hurt him, but want to fix it in any way possible. That said, I am not going to be punished every day. He is going out tonight with someone who has recently split up with his partner of 10 years so I'm naturally concerned that meeting up with him again will only encourage him to leave me, since he will have someone there with him on the same wave length..

I probably am blaming it all on me, but I should have spoke up sooner tbh.. I was in the loop of getting into more debts to pay existing debts. I have signed up to Stepchange, and said I'll do whatever it takes to resolve things- even said he could take care of all credit commitments, even managing my wages/dd's etc if necessary. Not much else I can offer.

Thanks for everyone's comments, they have definitely helped me through one of the hardest days of my life...

Mojisola

If he isn't ashamed of himself for letting his OH get into debt trying to pay family bills while he enjoyed living off his extra income, you may be better off without him.

illegally_blonde

He had no idea I was struggling because I didn't communicate with him.. And we didn't budget together, something which I now know is essential. He worked hard to pay off his loans and credit cards, he now has no debt & thought we were singing from the same hymn sheet.

He's decided not to go out now, so we will probably chat tonight, it will either go one way or another.. I'm hoping he can forgive. I've been very foolish and I will have to accept that I can never be trusted with money, I'm totally and utterly useless with it. Time to change though, fingers crossed its not too late.

kittiej

How does he think a court will look on a father who goes out drinking with his mates than staying at home being a responsible dad?

The courts realise that when countries are having to be bailed out of debt that a bit of personal debt is not a reason to order a child to live with its father.

Hopefully this was a knee-jerk reaction.

Really glad he's decided to stay in, if he was to take over the family finances then that would probably be a big relief for you. Maybe you could negotiate along the lines of your wages paid into his account and give you an allowance each week/month. That way your money is from the surplus and all bills/ debts are taken care of.

I'm sure it will be OK and he sounds just as emotional as you.

Barbeduk

Good luck illegally-blonde, it all sound very raw at the moment. Once it has all calmed down you both need to sit down, with all the bills and bank statements, to work out your FAMILY income and FAMILY outgoings. Only then can you work out a budget that will work for you both.

You might find you can get some of the bills down which will help with the debt repayments too.

bluebag

Good luck illegally-blonde.

Just remember, a relationship takes TWO people to communicate, to work together, to be equal,to take responsibility and to respect each others' rights.

Love is actually hard work, anyone that thinks it just kissy kissy airy fairy romantic heart flutter is smoking CraK.

illegally_blonde

Just wondering for the people who were in the same situation as me- how long did it take for your partner to start talking to you again & getting back to some sort of normality? I know things won't heal overnight but he's still barely speaking 2 words and looks constantly miserable.

We were supposed to sit down and discuss finances and how much I could pay to the dmp etc. he hasn't mentioned any of this which leads me to believe he isn't interested in trying to fix this broken relationship. He is terribly hurt by all of this and it kills me seeing what I've done to him.. But there is worse things and the sooner we can try and mend it, the sooner we can see if we have a future together, ie if he can trust me again.

beth3735

Hi OP, my situation isn't 100% the same, but when i was young i got into £6.5k worth of debt. My new husband then went and got a loan in just his name and gave me £6.5k to give to the bank to get debt free. This helped hugely as I had just had my 1st baby and i was on maternity leave.

Anyways husband was in the Navy and left us alone at home for long periods due to his job. My boredom and spending habits got me back into £18.5k worth of debt again. He wasn't happy at all, but as he could see i was struggling and got myself sorted on to a DMP he got over this pretty quick. I have had no help what so ever with this £18.5k as i felt him bailing me out the 1st time was the reason i didn't learn any lessons.

BUT

last year i had been spending stupidly on my Next account, kept hiding the statements, thought i could cope with the small amount. But this small amount soon hit the £1k mark. This was the time my husband came across one of my statements and flew off the handle. He says he can't trust me with money etc. Says i haven't learnt from the last 6 yrs on my DMP. This went on for a good few days to a week. I just kept telling him, there is nothing i can do but will sort it on my own and i don't need his help. Last month i finally paid off this Next and closed it. I need to close it just to prove to him that i knew how stupid i had been!

I really hope things settle for you soon. He just sounds like he is being stubborn and acting the injured party, when realistically if he was a man and looked at the full picture he would realise that all this time the signs would of been there for him to see that you could never of afforded to run the life he expected you to on just your wage alone.

Mojisola

illegally_blonde wrote: »

Just wondering for the people who were in the same situation as me- how long did it take for your partner to start talking to you again & getting back to some sort of normality? I know things won't heal overnight but he's still barely speaking 2 words and looks constantly miserable.

We were supposed to sit down and discuss finances and how much I could pay to the dmp etc. he hasn't mentioned any of this which leads me to believe he isn't interested in trying to fix this broken relationship. He is terribly hurt by all of this and it kills me seeing what I've done to him.. But there is worse things and the sooner we can try and mend it, the sooner we can see if we have a future together, ie if he can trust me again.

If he earns twice as much as you, doesn't he have savings that could pay off this debt?

It's not as if you've spent the money gambling or on unnecessary personal spending, it's gone on family expenditure. If he can't see this, maybe he's not worth fighting for.

illegally_blonde

He's gave me the 2.5K out of his savings to pay off the payday loans.. (ridiculous I know, will never ever touch these companies again, the interest on them is partly why i'm in this situation) he's also gave me another £300 towards one of the catalogues.. Which is one step forward. He has another 5K in savings which he is reluctant to give me, as he doesn't trust me not to get in the mess again - so he could give me the 5K then he think's i might run up all the debt again and leave him with nothing! Totally understand where he is coming from. As he has made it clear that if he forgives me this time, there won't be a second time and he wants to keep the savings.

It was mainly expenditure for nursery/food etc. However, there are a couple of things which I could have cut back on myself, like new dress's for nights out... but he know's that i haven't been using it to live lavishly, as he has now asked to see my bank statements to see where the money has went, because he doesn't see me with lots of new clothes/new shoes/bags or whatever.