Can he leave?

skyrocket

My friend is having a horrible time with his wife at the moment. She has told him she doesn't love him any more but hasn't decided 'what she wants to do'. Evidence points towards her seeing someone else , he has found texts, she is out late most nights and is just being a complete cow to him.
They have two girls (8 and 5) who he looks after most of the time. She has never really been involved with her daughters preferring instead to concentrate on her career as a teacher (we think she is carrying on with another teacher).
My friend is distraught as he just wants to keep the family together but is starting to see that things are going past repairable.
He had a free appointment with a solicitor last week and they discussed all sorts of financial stuff but now his wife has stepped up a gear with her nastiness blaming everything on his depression two years ago. The fact she was also suspected of carrying on with a different guy then is by the by apparently!
What he needs to know is it ok for him to move out of the house to his mums for a while without his jepordising his home and access to his daughters whom he loves very much?
Can his wife change the locks?
Will he lose the lot if he goes?
Its getting unbearable for him and I think if he stays there much longer he will have a breakdown.
Any advice gratefully received!

Psykicpup

He needs to get further advice from sols or CAB before he thinks about moving out - I'm fairly sure it will affect his rights & access to the children but best to check as I'm (luckily) no expert.

Mandles

No, i don't think he should move out. My inlaws have had the same situation. He stood his ground and he now is looking after the children and still in the family home. If he moves out i think he will have to still pay towards house and kids and have to buy his own flat or rent. If i were him and he wants his kids with him, i would not move out. Let her.
I might be wrong but this is what ive heard from others.

skyrocket

Thats what I was worried about.
He is very fragile at the moment and she seems to be using this against him. She would NEVER move out of the house. She uses him as a doormat and he sadly lets her because he loves her. In the meantime there are two girls stuck in between all this. He works weird shifts so I don't think it would be a possibilty for the girls to live with him although as the solicitor he saw last week pointed out he is the primary carer as she has very little to do with them other than throw money at them now and then.
If its not viable for him to move out I'm really worried for his mental health. (I feel he needs to 'get out' of the situation and give himself a bit of space and get strong again, but thats just my view).
What a nightmare eh? He just wants to keep his family together, it's her that wants out and it looks like she will get it all her own way!

System

Please Please Please tell him to stay with his kids in the family home and make his wife uncomfortable by his continual presence and maybe she will move out if she is definately having an affair. On no account should he make life easy for her and besides he will still be expected to contribute to the home finances until the separation, if there is to be one, is settled.

My brother has been through a very similar experience this past year and has until very recently lived in the family home with his children whilst the separation negotiations have been ongoing. His adulterous wife can't face him so when he is there she hides in her bedroom away from him and indeed their 2 kids. It has been heartbreaking watching him struggle with dealing with her coldness but he had the satisfaction of his kids constantly reinforcing their love for him in front of their mum.

BTW I'm a woman and appalled at how vindictive another woman (SIL) can be for no reason other than to try to justify her infidelity.


PS:

This has so many similarities to my brother situation and I would say that if he can't stay in the home with his wife he should pack his and the kids things and move out to his mums with the kids. His solicitor can then start proceedings to obtain the family home for him and the children.

papillon_65

I have a salutory tale for this unfortunate guy. I was in a similar position in the mid nineties with two daughters of 3 and 1 at the time. My "wife" decided she wanted rid of me (3 months after the death of my father) and told me if I didn't leave then she would make my life such a misery that I would have to leave. This she then proceeded to do, continually trying to provoke me into fighting back. In the end, for the sake of my children I left. This I regret to this day. Why? because I lost everything apart from the shirt on my back. I have had to pay exorbitant amounts of child support while my ex plays the system and continues her cannabis habit in front of my daughters to this day. But worst of all, I found out last year that my eldest daughter was repeatedly raped at the age of 6/7 and my younger daughter sexually abused by the creature that my ex-wife moved in weeks after I left. Not only that but my eldest daughter tried to tell her mother on several occasions and was punished. Only last year, at the age of 13 did she have the courage to tell me. My younger daughter can't talk about it. Incredibly, despite all of this I lost in court to get custody of my children at the end of last year (said creature having departed but my children are still being neglected). Whilst this may seem like an extreme scenario I can only say to this man, fight for your children and hang on in there. I will regret the fact that I left to my dying day.

Tam_Lin

Papillon that's heartbreaking - I truly don't know what to say :(I'm so sorry you and your children have had to go through that.

papillon_65

Tam Lin thanks. I'm a glass half full kind of guy believe it or not. My eldest daughter is getting to an age when she can make her own mind on what she wants to do. I fear for my younger daughter as she is refusing to deal with it as a coping mechanism. Despite everything they are great girls. I am awaiting the decision from the CPS on whether it will go to court. I don't know what I will tell the girls if they decide not to.

skyrocket

Pappillon I thankyou for your post and I pray with all my heart that justice prevails and you get your girls safe and sound soon!

andipandi_2

I won't go into detail about what happened to me as others have told similar story's,
Tell your friend to stick it out as long as possible and make sure he has a good support network because he will need it.
look on this site for info (families need fathers)
http://www.fnf.org.uk/fnfindex.htm

Andy

papillon_65

skyrocket wrote: »

Pappillon I thankyou for your post and I pray with all my heart that justice prevails and you get your girls safe and sound soon!

Thanks for your kind words, be there for your friend (as you obviously are), as has been said, he will need your support. I really hope it works out for him.