Arrangements after parents have split

Chef1980uk

My brother has recently split with his girlfriend shortly after they had their baby. It was a mutual decision and they agreed not to get the CSA involved. He pays maintenance and they agreed he would have their baby three times a week when he knows 100% he will not be in work (two weekday evenings for several hours, and Saturday afternoons).

Since their agreement though, he has never had her for the full three times as something has always cropped up. Some examples are "Because she is teething", "because we're taking her shopping", "because she is not sleeping properly". It's obvious to everyone else she is trying as hard as possible to not let their baby be with the dad. The latest one was "I’ll let you know" when he asked if he would be having her this Saturday ( as agreed) so he can bring her to our children’s birthday party.

Basically what I am asking is would getting the CSA involved guarantee he gets his 3 days access to his baby and what would happen to the mum if he continues to receive excuses and effectively blocked access?

Shelldean

CSA will only deal with money side of things, they have no interest access.

Mojisola

Does he have parental responsibility for his child? If not, he should start by getting that.

If she's already started to be awkward about contact, he should get things on a more official footing. There are several support groups for fathers - they will be able to give advice. It may need to go to court if she won't co-operate.

Chef1980uk

Thank you, answers it all will pass on the info.

Mojisola

Chef1980uk wrote: »

My brother has recently split with his girlfriend shortly after they had their baby. It was a mutual decision and they agreed not to get the CSA involved. He pays maintenance

I hope he is doing this by a traceable method such as a SO with the tag "Child Maintenance".

It's not unknown for an ex to claim that no CM has been paid when it's been done by an informal arrangement.

Chef1980uk

Good point, hadn't thought of that. Will pass on the info as I suspect it's just cash in hand.

fluffnutter

How old is the baby? Small babies do need their mums, particularly if they're breast-fed. You say it's 'obvious to everyone' that she's being difficult and not letting dad see the babe, but who knows? There are two sides to every story.

If your brother feels he's deliberately being sidelined and he'd like to formalise his contact, then he's probably going to need a court order detailing access.

But it's best to avoid this if he can. What kind of conversations has he had with his ex? Not ones about specific occasions but about the general problem of contact? Has he expressed his concerns? What was her response?

choccybuttons

Def get maintainance traceable ie cheque, so. A friend paid his ex for a year cash in hand she then went to csa and said he hadnt paid for last year. Since he had no evidence he is now has to pay the year again

coolcait

Chef1980uk wrote: »

My brother has recently split with his girlfriend shortly after they had their baby. It was a mutual decision and they agreed not to get the CSA involved. He pays maintenance and they agreed he would have their baby three times a week when he knows 100% he will not be in work (two weekday evenings for several hours, and Saturday afternoons).

How far in advance does he know 100% that he won't be working?

lindsloo

If their child is still a babe in arms maybe he should be offering to go round there and only take away child from mum for more than a couple of hours.

When they are small contact should be little and often, I was advised this by a solicitor when resolving contact between ex.

quinechinoise

Chef1980uk wrote: »

It's obvious to everyone else she is trying as hard as possible to not let their baby be with the dad.

Baby? So... under 12 months old? If the child is breastfed, then 12 months is the recommended minimum - in aspiration, at least! (If the child is breastfed full-term, then that could be 3-4 years but they would be eating after 12 months.) Babies need milk and it's not optional.

If the child is being fed formula milk then spending lengthy periods of time with Daddy is not a problem. However, if the child is breastfed then the father is being totally unreasonable. If he lives locally, take the baby out for an hour or two. (Babies need to nurse every 2-3 hours, particularly when they are very young.) Otherwise, go round to the mother's place and see the baby there. If he's patient and encouraging, the mom should eventually be able to express larger quantities of breastmilk, with time and practice, and the baby will gradually be able to go for longer between feeds - so the length of visits/access will increase naturally, as the baby grows older.

Of course, if the baby IS on formula milk then it's a communication breakdown between your brother and the mom. Encourage both of them to behave like the parents they are. Sometimes babies are clingy. Sometimes mommies are stressed. Sometimes daddies don't appreciate the effort that mommies have put in, getting babies settled and back into routine. Even my husband has had to turn the car around and drive back home, after about 5 minutes, because youngest has been screaming blue murder in the car to get back to mommy! Kids aren't possessions. They don't agree to be divvied up fairly. Sometimes they just want their mom. Sometimes they're teething on your cell phone and drop it in the potty. Parenthood can suck, whether you're married or separated. The good moments outweigh the bad though... assuming I'm not deluding myself! lol