Foster/kinship carers how to say goodbye

freejunkie

I did start a thread a couple of years ago about looking after my OH nephew. Well long story really short, My OH half sister was neglecting her son, we had to involve Social Services when he was 2, who tried to help the sister, she resisited and fought and fought to prove that she was right and she could do what she wanted because it was her son, so instead of using the time to sort herself out her son, she has proved without doubt she is incapable of having him back.

2 years later of not knowing what going on and finally we are near the end, (although still not comfirmed because court proceedings end middle of march) but it is pretty much been decieded that little man is going to be shipped to india to live with his dad and family who he doesnt know, who he hasnt seen since he was 1!! To a remote village where there is limited technology so no regular phone calls or skype, and there is a language barrier.
We have been through the mill with this little boy, we have basically brought him up as he was soo frightened, mistreated and ill he didnt know anything except how to cry and attack, and he is now a confident normal little boy.

As you can imagine I am distraught, I realise I have not prepared myself for him leaving as I was preparing to take him myself.
But with all foster carers and kinship carers how do you cope to say goodbye?
I feel so sad all the time all I wanna do is cry

Gigglepig

I'm so sorry to hear this. If the boy has little attachment with his dad and speaks a different languagen it sounds harsh that he cannot stay with his primary caregiver. Is there any chance of an agreement with the dad thet he may stay, if you took him to visit from time to time ? Will his family at least spend some time with him in the uk first so he can adjust a bit before he travels over! Sending you a big hug.

Alikay

I'm a foster carer and only look after children short-term (up to 2 years) so am accustomed to them moving away. I find that helping them prepare for the move also helps me. I prepare photo albums and write a few words about the occasion when a picture was taken. We collect leaflets about places we've visited and other little mementos like tickets, souvenirs etc. Write down what their favourite things are -meals, books, friends etc and any funny little sayings they have or things they do.....the social workers call it "Life Story" work, and it all helps the child with their identity and self esteem as they get older.

Your case sounds especially difficult though, as the little boy is family and you'd hoped to keep him with you. I can only express sympathy and suggest you get some advice from the social workers involved as how best to prepare him - and maybe they can offer some support to you too.

http://www.bemyparent.org.uk/info-for-families/your-questions/what-is-life-story-work-and-why-is-it-important,128,AR.html

freejunkie

Thanks for the replies and the link I will have a good look at that.
He has no relationship with this family, and we are preparing him for the move, life story etc.
Although little man is still abit fragile short term it will be hard for him as he does still have trust issues. Long term Im confident it will be a postitive move.
But like I said there has been so much messing about till dec I was preparing to take him. I never prepared myself for him going, and us being without him, further more to another country!! its just hit me that he is really going and I am very sad.

megc_2

Freejunkie, can I ask if you have been assessed as possible carers for this boy, as you obviously have a strong attachment to him. It would be quite difficult and require a very strong social worker to advocate that a child should stay with a more distant family member than a birth parent, but is not impossible.
However to answer your original question, there should be a plan of introductions to help the child become familiar with his Dad and new family so he settles easier with them. This would usually involve social workers and the current carers travelling to the new family's home area with the child and staying for a week or 2, depending on the age of the child, and a plan to enable him to spend increasing amounts of time with his dad in the company of current carers and eventually increasing amounts of time without the current carers. Prior to this he would be given a photo album with pictures and recordings from the new family to help make it less scary when he first meets them. The social workers would also talk to him about the move etc and ask his carers to keep referring to the family, area etc.
Different areas may do things slightly differently (this is how we do it with our carers in the council I work for) but the process will be similar as its proven to be effective by research. If it helps you, ask the social worker to explain to you the reasoning behind the decision so you understand why this is felt to be the best plan for the little lad. Depending on his age too, you could do some research together on the net, books, TV etc about the new country, language, culture etc to make it seem like an exciting adventure which most kids love!

ValHaller

freejunkie wrote: »

Long term Im confident it will be a postitive move.

Well done you.

Do you know yet how the handover will be done?

piglet25

Am I the only person who is wondering why he is going to India to a father he hasn't seen since he was one? How this is in the little lads best interests to be taken away from his home and family is beyond me. I don't know the facts but they would have to be pretty darned solid for me to let him undertake such a move, and his mother ought to be kicking herself forever more. I couldn't say goodbye, I wish you all the best for when the time comes xx