Visitation

Wyre

Just a quick question (not for myself thank goodness).

A friend is desparately trying to maintain contact between her kids and ex. Whilst he is a great Dad when he sees them, he is sporadic in visits, cancelling at the last minute and making up excuse after excuse. Now, due to other factors, she wants to put things in writing and get it so that everyone knows where they stand.

How much is 'normal' for visitation? Every other weekend, Father's day, every other Christmas/Easter and a week in the summer or something else?

Thanks guys.

meer53

There is no "normal" It's whatever is agreed between both parents. Would writing it down make him stick to it ? Probably not.

If i were your friend, i'd carry on making arrangements. If he chooses to cancel, or makes up excuses, then thats his loss. As long as your friend is there for her children, and doesn't bad mouth their dad, they will eventually make up their own mind about how they feel about him.

Even with legally agreed contact, you can't force someone to turn up if they don't want to.

msb5262

My children generally see their dad as follows:

every other weekend
half of each half term holiday
a week at Easter
a couple of weeks in the summer
Christmas/New Year (we alternate these, year about)
and sometimes they've spent one night a week at his house midweek but that can be complicated.

HTH

MsB

fluffnutter

How long's a piece of string? What does each parent want?

Wyre

fluffnutter wrote: »

How long's a piece of string? What does each parent want?

My friend just wants what's best for the kids, which is regular contact. With something written down that both sides can stick to.

Whilst she realises there isn't any hard and fast rule she is really after some idea of how other people do things so she has somewhere to start negotiations.

meer53

Wyre wrote: »

My friend just wants what's best for the kids, which is regular contact. With something written down that both sides can stick to.

Whilst she realises there isn't any hard and fast rule she is really after some idea of how other people do things so she has somewhere to start negotiations.

The piece of paper won't mean that it will be stuck to.

My ex and i have a very loose arrangement with regards to when our daughter sees her Dad. She sees him every Friday night (stays with him) as i work from 5-10pm. Some Saturdays she will stay the night again, some she will want to come home, she makes her own decision now, she's 12. During school holidays, if he takes time off work, she will go and stay with him, if not, she will stay at home with me.

If i ever want to go out at weekends, i call him and ask if she can stay with him, he's never said no in 10 years. I'm off on holiday in March for a week with my brother, my ex will look after our daughter.

Having a rigid arrangement might sound good in principle, it's also good for younger children to know when they're going to see their parents, but being too rigid can cause problems too. The main thing is that the children aren't drawn into any conflict caused by an arrangement being broken. We found that a fairly relaxed set up worked best for us and our daughter.

Jinx

Mine and ex partner arrangement was he had her:

every saturday night (but flexible for special occasions)
one week in the summer (I tried for him to have 2 but he wouldnt)
he always had her xmas eve and I had xmas day

all other school hols I had to find cover.

Wyre

meer53. normally I would totally agree with you, I've seen the kind of arrangements you talk about work exceedingly well and is what my friend wanted to happen with them. Unfortunately the Ex is the sort that needs rules, I won't go into details apart from to say that being exceedingly flexible to the point of being a doormat is what has brought my friend to this point.

ValHaller

Wyre wrote: »

meer53. normally I would totally agree with you, I've seen the kind of arrangements you talk about work exceedingly well and is what my friend wanted to happen with them. Unfortunately the Ex is the sort that needs rules, I won't go into details apart from to say that being exceedingly flexible to the point of being a doormat is what has brought my friend to this point.

That statement rings alarm bells. Basically, he needs rules to control him. Writing it all down is actually part of a control agenda. Meer is saying quite clearly that this is unlikely to work.

If he can't sort himself out to see his daughter, rules are very unlikely to do it for him. All the rules will provide is objective evidence of broken promises. They are unlikely to improve him in seeing his daughter.