DLA ATOS Home Visit - update, a sad outcome

SandraScarlett

Regarding the "bum cleaning" side of married life, I, like many posters on here, or their parents, married decades ago, for better or worse, never expecting the worse to be what it is.

As a dewy-eyed young bride, with my older, handsome, built-like-a-brick-sh*thouse husband, who doted on my every word, nay, breath , the thought of bum cleaning never crossed my mind.

I thought our retirement years would be spent surrounded by our as-yet-unborn children and grandchildren, who would never give us a moment's worry, and that they, like us, would have happy, healthy and contented lives.

Money worries never entered these dreams, and during the decades that followed, I thought that, as pensioners, we would have happy holidays and weekends away, perhaps silver-haired, perhaps with a few minor aches and pains, but that would be it.

I didn't once think DH would become physically disabled in his 50s, and then get early Alzheimers in his 60s, which has now developed, in his 70s, to an ever-deteriorating condition, and all that entails. Knowing many fellow posters on here care for their sick spouses, it's one thing making those wedding day promises, but nobody expects that the "worse" part is going to be as horrific as it often is.

Carers do a most fantastic job.

xx

helentay_2

SandraScarlett wrote: »

Regarding the "bum cleaning" side of married life, I, like many posters on here, or their parents, married decades ago, for better or worse, never expecting the worse to be what it is.

As a dewy-eyed young bride, with my older, handsome, built-like-a-brick-sh*thouse husband, who doted on my every word, nay, breath , the thought of bum cleaning never crossed my mind.

I thought our retirement years would be spent surrounded by our as-yet-unborn children and grandchildren, who would never give us a moment's worry, and that they, like us, would have happy, healthy and contented lives.

Money worries never entered these dreams, and during the decades that followed, I thought that, as pensioners, we would have happy holidays and weekends away, perhaps silver-haired, perhaps with a few minor aches and pains, but that would be it.

I didn't once think DH would become physically disabled in his 50s, and then get early Alzheimers in his 60s, which has now developed, in his 70s, to an ever-deteriorating condition, and all that entails. Knowing many fellow posters on here care for their sick spouses, it's one thing making those wedding day promises, but nobody expects that the "worse" part is going to be as horrific as it often is.

Carers do a most fantastic job.

xx

I can see where you are coming from, but with mum & dad they both knew from an early age what caring would really be like with mum at 18 having to medicate her mum day and night at home with Morphine, cleaning her etc and watching her die slowly in front of her and dad, having to care at the age of 19 for men with their insides hanging out, legs blown off, half a face missing etc thanks to the many war zones he was posted to.

As for hard times, they both had hard upbringings, and a hard life after they married.

They haven't known anything different. To them, life is just one long struggle.

SandraScarlett

helentay wrote: »

I can see where you are coming from, but with mum & dad they both knew from an early age what caring would really be like with mum at 18 having to medicate her mum day and night at home with Morphine, cleaning her etc and watching her die slowly in front of her and dad, having to care at the age of 19 for men with their insides hanging out, legs blown off, half a face missing etc thanks to the many war zones he was posted to.

As for hard times, they both had hard upbringings, and a hard life after they married.

They haven't known anything different. To them, life is just one long struggle.

Goodness, what a hard life they've had. I hope that they have some happier times.

xx

pipkin71

GlasweJen wrote: »

That is true but the lady in the OP is experiencing a decrease in mobility. The lady has to be "virtually unable to walk" to qualify for high level DLA in the circumstances.

This is not the case, it's actually 'unable, or virtually unable to walk without severe discomfort or pain'.

I can walk, but not without pain, yet am entitled to HRM because of the pain walking causes.

pipkin71

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

As someone above has said, if she can walk to the car and then walk from it, then that does not justify increased DLA for mobility.

I applaud SS for helping her friend and hope that the correct award is given soon.

She would qualify if walking to the car caused her severe discomfort or pain.

HRM is not just being unable to walk, you have to consider how much pain the walking causes.

nannytone_2

helentay wrote: »

This is simply the case of the assessor whilst accepting what he does for her could easilly be solved with the purchase of specially designed and easilly obtainable aids.
The DM would then assess her as using this equipment even if she doesn't have it.

this shouldnt be the case. DLA is awarded for help you need regardless of if you receive it or not. so the fact that she needs help is what is relevant.
many people have 24/7 help from family/friends/paid carers at home but they are still entitled to DLA.

it isnt of interest that someone is there to wipe her bum for her, the criteris is met because she cant do it herself!

sunnyone

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Of course I believe that people should care for each other, and I would do it if I had to.

Doesn't mean it is not demoralising for both parties. I would hate it if my husband had to do this for me and I know he would hate it if I had to do it for him. I'd rather pay a carer to do it for me.

I did say this was my opinion. I am not saying everyone to feel this way, but I'm sure there are others that do.

My husband would rather help me in any way he can because he knows how much I hate not being able to do things for myself and how degrading it is need someone to do my bowel program and empty my leg bag/night bags.

My husband dosnt need asking to do anything, its just natural for him to help me in anyway he can and vice versa.

My husband needs a lot of help from me to do somethings, since his stroke he has no short term memory etc. so I help him with that.

My body might not work but my brain does, his brain is impaired by the blood clot left by his stroke so we both help each other like married people should.

sunnyone

SandraScarlett wrote: »

Regarding the "bum cleaning" side of married life, I, like many posters on here, or their parents, married decades ago, for better or worse, never expecting the worse to be what it is.

As a dewy-eyed young bride, with my older, handsome, built-like-a-brick-sh*thouse husband, who doted on my every word, nay, breath , the thought of bum cleaning never crossed my mind.

I thought our retirement years would be spent surrounded by our as-yet-unborn children and grandchildren, who would never give us a moment's worry, and that they, like us, would have happy, healthy and contented lives.

Money worries never entered these dreams, and during the decades that followed, I thought that, as pensioners, we would have happy holidays and weekends away, perhaps silver-haired, perhaps with a few minor aches and pains, but that would be it.

I didn't once think DH would become physically disabled in his 50s, and then get early Alzheimers in his 60s, which has now developed, in his 70s, to an ever-deteriorating condition, and all that entails. Knowing many fellow posters on here care for their sick spouses, it's one thing making those wedding day promises, but nobody expects that the "worse" part is going to be as horrific as it often is.

Carers do a most fantastic job.

xx

Same here, my husband is over ten years older than me and he is my rock and we are one of the sickening couple who still hold hands and tell each other they love each other daily even after decades together.

We knew my body would fail but I never expected him to come home early from work one day feeling ill, we went to the GP who said he was fine, then he collapsed and was rushed to hospital with kidney failure, then came the stroke, then the heart failure etc. so age 54 he is knackard but Im grateful that his disabilities are not the same as mine, he has always been my other half, together we make each other whole and its the same with our disabilities.

My husbands tests are showing early onset dementia caused by his stroke, god knows how we will manage as he gets worse but we will manage, we always manage.

SandraScarlett

Sunnyone, I hope your DH's dementia doesn't worsen. It is a most cruel illness, but, as you rightly say, you'll manage. I can cope with most of my DH's memory problems, providing words he can't remember, searching for things he's mislaid, helping him dress because he can't remember what he needs to wear, and in what order.

But he has no concept of time of day, day of the week, or month of the year, and to answer the same oft-repeated question, over and over again, does require the utmost patience.

And it's vital that even the teeniest, weeniest sigh must not escape my lips, or this causes distress - or agitation.

xx

seven-day-weekend

sunnyone wrote: »

My husband would rather help me in any way he can because he knows how much I hate not being able to do things for myself and how degrading it is need someone to do my bowel program and empty my leg bag/night bags.

My husband dosnt need asking to do anything, its just natural for him to help me in anyway he can and vice versa.

My husband needs a lot of help from me to do somethings, since his stroke he has no short term memory etc. so I help him with that.

My body might not work but my brain does, his brain is impaired by the blood clot left by his stroke so we both help each other like married people should.

OK, that's fine, that's your and your husband's choice. My husband and I would make a different choice and would rather pay a stranger to do it . It doesn't mean we don't love each other, quite the contrary, we have been married for over 41 years and are two halves of one whole.

I would never, ever want him to do personal intimate care fo rme, it would be, in our eyes, so degrading for both of us, and when I mentioned it to him, he said he would rather die than have me do it for him.

So if, God forbid, that time ever comes, we'll pay for carers. Our choice, that's how we feel.