Reactive depression - impacts at home/in relationships

Teeniepops

Hi all.

My doctor thinks I have 'reactive depression' as a result of a prolonged period of stress. The driving issue ended a few months ago but he thinks it has hit now things have calmed down. Much like when adrenaline runs out and reality hits.

It makes sense. I was the 'rock' for others during a difficult period of time and stayed strong for them. I guess my own stress built up and surfaced now. The issue in question lasted over 18montgs and had emotional, mental and financial implications.

Anyway, I'm not asking for 'medical' advice - I know that's not permitted and I have my GP for that.

What I wondered was how anyone who has suffered this (or similar) dealt with it at home/in relationships?

I'm surprised and not in equal measures. I don't 'feel' depressed in so much as I don't tend to let myself get down. I've always been one to see the positive in things and generally 'get on with stuff'. This was why I was the 'rock' for others throughout the issue. Yes, I found it difficult at the time and it caused tears, stress and sometimes frustration but I thought I'd dealt with it well.

Now though, I feel battered. I'm not sleeping well and my back is a mess with knots (need physio to ease it). I feel weepy a lot but don't understand why and generally lacking a bit of 'me' and friends and colleagues have said I'm not my 'smiley' self. The ramifications of the issue do play on my mind a bit, but not in the 'dwelling over' way. Just the last strands of dealing with the last bits. I just wouldn't say I'm depressed though...

All this is impacting at home as my OH feels useless and upset at the thought it has knocked me for six. I don't want him feeling bad but when I say this he says it's hard not too when I'm so run down and not 'myself'.

I know it'll pass - just curious to see what tips people have.

PS. I'm not on meds - refused them as don't want to go there (just my preference) and am eating healthily and exercising.

FBaby

It sounds like you are trying to use this diagnosis to justify your feelings where really, it should be the other way round. Most GP had not usually qualified to officially diagnose depression, let alone specific type of depression. How did he come to this diagnosis? Just talking to you for 10 mns? If so, I would really ignore it. Focus on yourself dealing with your feelings,give it time and if he gets too much, maybe ask for a referal to counselling?

heartbreak_star

I'd also go with the meds, at least for a little while. They aren't a cure but can put you back on an even keel.

Good luck - the exercise will certainly help

HBS x

sassyblue

Depression is a sign you've been strong for too long they say.

Exercise is good for depression, just make sure you do something or get out everyday. Just be kind to yourself.... The next best thing to being asleep is lying in bed in the peace and quiet, if thoughts start running around inside your head tell them to go to answerphone, you're having 5 mins to yourself (and then see if you can stretch that 5 mins out to 10).

You just need to recharge your batteries by having some 'me' time, but if another month goes by and you don't improve try some vitamin tonic (minadex) if you still don't want doctors meds, or have the tonic now, whatever you want.

Good luck. X

Gingernutty

I vote for counselling. Definitely.

You may not feel depressed but something is clearly wrong if people are noticing.

The stress may be over, but it's possible that you're tensing up ready for more stress when/if it comes at you again.

Go back to the GP and ask about counselling - don't get your hopes up though, it could be a long waiting list.

kittycatface

My vote is for selfishness and self care! Totally your decisions re your lifestyle and working out what makes you feel calmer or happier. This can include space from others: personally I am quite religious about turning the phone off and locking the door! You sound like a great "giver" and its true that that can take its toll after a time.

Your OH I am sure care about you and it might just take a "give me time to heal" conversation and I hope he will weather the storm with you.

Don't forget you can only give time and energy to others when you have the resources to, its time to build yours back up and maybe ask for the shoe to be on the other foot for those you have helped. I've noticed over the yrs how many friendships and family relationships can feel unequal (my poor mum gets my brunt!) but it's equally about us having the courage to say when enoughs enough (my argument is she needs to get better at saying no!) its assertive not mean to do so.

I hope you find time and space to rediscover the things you enjoy and can move forward in a way that has meaning for you. All positive thoughts your way

PS: "Usual self" is a funny thing to say. People are creatures of habit and used to seeing others as fixed characters, not people who evolve and change, particualry if you have always been the strong, jolly one. It's not that helpful to be honest to comment on the fact that you are not your usual self unless its followed with "Is there anything we can do", it's about acknowledging that even the best stiff upper lip people are ENTITLED and EXPECTED to have down periods, perhaps even more so as they have spent the last period motivating and supporting everyone else through their tribulations.

j-josie

I too had been a rock dealing with a very distressing situation for over a year. it wasn't til nearly a year later that I just ground to a halt ; the doctor knew of the situation before and said I had probably been operating on adrenaline up til then. in my case I had to have 3 months off work and I think I just slept most of that time.
I did pull back to my 'normal' self. I just needed time and absolute rest. maybe you need to look after yourself for a while...

motherofstudents

I think your reaction to a time of stress is understandable. If you think about it, soldiers often suffer PTSD after a period of stress, it is just your body's reaction. Nobody can make you take medication if you don't want it but don't dismiss it. It is typical of someone who is depressed to a)deny they are depressed b) refuse meds. It is up to you and a better way is probably talking but as above the wait for counselling will be long.

Macca83_2

I suppose in some ways its like dealing with shock. During the incident you're very much working on auto pilot. You know this really terrible thing has happened but the situation does not allow for you to disappear into your room, bury your head and wait for it to blow over. You see the strongest members of your family go to pieces. Your world is turned upside down and all you can do is take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves and try and keep everyone together. You don't have time to look after yourself, you don't eat properly and you worry constantly about everyone else. Outsiders tell you that you need to be strong for everyone involved and you are until its over.

And then... Nothing

the world returns to some semblance of normality. Your brain is only now slowing down enough to process what's just happened and that's hard. Everyone else has had their time to deal with the situation but you haven't, you've been going a mile a minute.
Time is an important factor. You need to be able to process what's just happened and You need to get yourself back on an even keel any way possible. That may come from counseling, or time off work. It may come from a holiday. As someone else said. 'its time to get selfish'

Teeniepops

Thanks for all the responses.

I don't agree that I am 'justifying' my feelings based on what the doctor said. Firstly, I have nothing to justify. Secondly, I said myself I was surprised by what he said because I wouldn't have chosen 'depression' as the one word to describe how I feel at the moment. Exhausted or stressed maybe, but 'depressed'...no.

That said, he's been aware for months that things aren't brilliant in some parts of my life. I had to have physio last year at the peak of the stress and he referred me then. I was getting numbness in my little and ring fingers as well as aches in my elbows. It turned out my back was so tense and knotty that it was revealing in my fingers and arms, which the physio said was a sign of quite a bad amount of stress. So, seeing this and the fact my weight has fluctuated a lot and I am not sleeping etc...

So no, it was not based on a 10 minute chat by someone who doesn't know something about me or what I was going though.

Sassyblue - the comment about being too strong for too long was pretty much what he said. He told me I wasn't Wonderwoman and was allowed to need time out too and not to use all my energies being strong for everyone else but me.

Gingernutty - I think you have made a good point there. I think I am waiting for another wave of stress to hit as it was one thing after the other through the 'naff time'.

Thanks to EVERYONE for their kind words and well wishes. I know things will get better and I know this is a tiny bump in the path I am walking. I guess everyone has a limit and whilst I like to think I am resilient, I am not made of iron!

Still not sleeping well and my back, shoulders and neck are hurting a lot - I feel physically more blah than anything else. With regards to the meds - I just don't want to go there. I have decided to keep a diary though to give myself a place to vent regularly rather than box it all up inside. If things don't improve I will look at maybe seeing someone to talk things over. I took on board the comment about people who are down saying they're not...I will keep an eye on myself more and make sure I do what's best for me.

Thanks again everyone - it's comforting that others understand though a shame at the same time (I think that makes sense!).

x

Racheldevon

Depression covers a huge range of physical and emotion symptoms, so I can see why maybe you don't feel that you have this, and I respect your decision not to go down the medication route. It's worth exploring counselling - the NHS route is time limited and and there's likely to be a long wait. Why not explore low cost counselling services in your town or city - most areas have at least one such service and you don't have to be on benefits to access it (& it's not time limited). it may help you to explore the way the things you've experienced are impacting on your relationship and or home life with someone who's trained to support you in that way.

There's also a very good book called the mindful way through depression by Prof Mark Williams that comes with an audio CD that is great in my opinion whether or not you have depression.

You can also access mindfulness based stress reduction courses through the NHS in association with local universities which often have short waits for referrals and a strong evidence base

good luck