Separation - Telling the children & housing arrangements

phostrogen

Don’t really know where to start, my wife and I have recently separated with me moving out of the family house, there have been problems for around six months now and visits to Relate and other attempts have failed to get us back together. My current issues are around how to tell our two young children (5 years old and 18 months) our 5 year old is always asking where his daddy is and as yet neither of us has told him what has happened.

The other big issue is how I can afford to rent / buy somewhere to live, I am in a well paid job but don’t think I can afford to even rent a small house so that the children can come and stay with me. As my wife only works part time she cannot afford our current mortgage and bills without a large payment (£1000 / month) from me which I am more than willing to give her so as not to impact on the children’s life. I am currently living with a friend but his house is very small and untidy / dirty (Typical bachelors house...) and there is no way the children can visit me there.If anyone out there has any experience or suggestions / advice then it would be greatly received.

I am a regular poster on here but for the purposes of this I have created a new identity as there are people on some of the boards who know who I am.

sticher

I always think honesty is the best policy (within reason) regarding children. I wouldn't make a big issue out of it - they are so young and wont understand much. Can you not just say that you have gone to live somewhere else so now the children have two 'homes' to play in. Make it sound positive (however hard) and hopefully your child will not be too upset.

With regard to where you r living now can't you clean the place up?

Can't offer any financial advice I am afraid, but good luck.

hobo28

Hi mate

Sorry to hear about your situation. The simple fact is that very few of us have the luxury of splitting up and not affecting the children. Hard choices will need to be made as you cannot afford to keep your wife & kids in their current lifestyle and neither will she. It will probably mean selling your current house and downsizing for both of you. For her it may well mean either council housing or going back to work fulltime.

If you are definately not getting back together then you need to sit down with her and talk about it rationally if possible. My advice is not to simply give as much as you can humanly afford. Whilst this seems that the "manly" and "responsible" thing to do. I honestly don't think in the long run it does anyone any good.

Firstly you need to move on and have cash to live too. You need to be able to afford a place where your kids can stay and you can afford to take them out once in a while.

Secondly your income may not always be the same. If at some point your income drops then your back at square one.

My advice would be to try to start discussions around what the CSA would expect. By all means give a little more if you want to but not TOO much more.

Alan50

I would completely agree with hobo, you and your familys financial situation will become difficult, and may take years to bottom out. Having been through a similar situation I understand that you wish to be responsible and 'do the right thing'...yes be fair but not over generous...

What are reasons for the break-down of your marriage? could it be resolved as the children are very young

Best wishes

Alan

findingmyownway

The kids are young enough to accept what you tell them as the absolute truth. So something along the lines of 'mummy and daddy don't love each other any more, but we still both love you and always will' will probably suffice.

It seems the family home will need to be sold. For your childrens' long term happiness, they now need 2 mid-sized houses where they can comfortably spend time with both parents. I appreciate that you want to provide for your family but your wife now needs to learn to stand on her own two feet - its the only way both of you can move on from this situation. Paying her £1000 / month is way excessive if you can't afford to house yourself with whats left. Its clearly unsustainable and better not to start somthing and then have to back out of it when shes come to expect it.

pejoco0_2

Sorry to hear about your situation, but you're not alone. I'm some way along the same route myself although my children are grown up now. If you want to know how much you should be expecting to pay for your children as a minimum amount then please visit the CSA's own website. it has a quick calculation tool which should help. I have to pay for my youngest daughter who will be 17 next birthday and is still in full-time education..... according to their calculations I 'm currently paying £275 a calender month, which is slighlty more than I need to, as I've rounded it up for my own peace of mind. I hope that this helps.

pejoco0_2

Phostrogen.......... try using the following link
https://secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v1/new/calc.asp
it was the one I used to give me my CSA amount

snowmaid

Do NOT go into detail as to the separation. Your child is only 5. I think at that age to say that 'mommy and daddy don't love eachother' would confuse her, but that is my opinion.

The most important thing that you and your wife MUST do, is maintain a civil relationship in front of your kids. Do not tear them apart with petty, childish remarks to try score points. You may score a point off eachother, however, the damage you do to your children cannot be undone. That goes for anyone going through a separation. If ever there has been a time for the 2 of you to be adult, this is now the time.

See your kids as much as possible and maintain that relationship with them. You may be separating from the mother, but that doesn't include the children.

I am sorry about your relationship and maybe with a little time separate you can rekindle your relationship, which is why I would be hesitant to tell your children you no longer love eachother. I think that is cruel. I am not saying lie to your children forever, but just until they are old enough to realise and accept the situation.

beautifulgorgeous_2

Maybe you could see the children in their house to start with until you find somewhere better to stay. Could you pick them up from school or nursery or take them in the morning. It is good to see little ones little and often as well as all day on a Sat for instance.