Advice please! Husband is a debt magnet!

Saturnalia

Have you any idea what his money has gone on? Is he a lover of luxury goods that could be sold to cover some of the debts?

And sadly, on the dark side, you need to work out if there is any kind of addiction or infidelity going on before you can decide what to do next.

It should go without saying, don't you get yourself into debt to bail him out. Especially as you have rescued him once. Him trashing his credit rating is the only thing that will stop him spending.

cydney65

I was that person who couldn't stop spending. I racked up debt on credit cards, got a consolidation loan, paid them off and started spending on them again. Racked up more debt, OH bailed me out, and guess what...I started spending again. I racked up £17000 of debt and started getting into difficulty. My OH left me to it. Finally, I realised what I was doing. I was getting rejected for credit, the phone got cut off, so did the Sky. Only then did I understand what an idiot I was and how my behaviour was affecting my relationship.

Saying all this though, your OH may have underlying addiction problems or be indulging in other behaviours, which could lead to depression setting in. Try not to bail him out money wise, but do let him know that you are available for when he does realise that he is having problems.

I really do wish you the best of luck. Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

[Deleted User]

Have you considered depolarising him?

BASHFUL_2

Thankyou all! As much as I would like to just leave him to it I just can't, as could end up losing our house one day! I have reduced his credit limits on his credit cards which is why they are maxed out and will continue to reduce them when paying off which I think has a detrimental effect on his credit limit! He has a terrible credit file so really not sure how he has managed to get 2 credit cards in the first place!
Cydney65, may I ask how you managed to turn it all around and pay it off?
Thanks again all for your comments x

FBaby

Firstly, are you angry with him? if not, why not? In the end, how can you trust if won't continue this way unless he realises what he risks losing if he does?

In the end, no matter how much you want to control everything 100%, if he is determined to spend and doesn't love you enough to see what he risks losing, he will find a way to do it.

I've been there, tried everything like you. After being let down over and over, I lost trust and respect for my partner, and love followed. Realising all he lost as a result made him finally opened his eyes and I think he is much better with his new partner. The way they have done it is by her controlling the entire finances and only give him a certain amount. Because of his situation, no-one would be mad enough to loan him anything, so at least she doesn't have to worry about that.

whitewing

I think you (he) can ask the bank to close his credit cards. This will stop him being able to use the card, but he will still pay off the balance over time.

wildingb

There is no point in fixing these credit cards (the symptom) and not fixing his behaviour (the cause). Can I suggest marriage counseling? Money is the number one cause of divorce, and you really need to address this problem.

missrlr

I agree with other posters, you need to get to the root cause of the problem, why does he spend money and what on so this can be addressed (education of him).

You can then work on what the plan to clear the debt it. Where HE is the main responsible party doing the work e.g. calling people, setting up payment schedules and so on.

As you are financially linked and for your own sanity how about leaving him to deal with this with your support and advice (but you not actually DOING the work) whilst simultaeously creating a little stash of savings yourself so if the SHTF you can proactively do something about this ALONGSIDE addressing the root cause.

Harsh as this sounds, you have enabled him to carry on with his ways by sorting out the last set of problems. He needs a big wake up call and this may only be when a CCJ or similar occurs to him.

Have you tried the "what happens if your / our income reduces suddenly" tactic? e.g. lose job, become sick / injured. I know this may sound like doom mongering but it needs to be considered.

Best of luck!

meer53

Whilst you're sorting things out for him, he will never change. He needs a huge wake up call.

I'd threaten to leave him if he doesn't take responsibility.

lilmissreading

How difficult for you.

I think we are not the best site to be advising you in many ways. This is because you know what should happen, we know what should happen but the person who should be doing this is your husband and until he is able to either take responsibility for his spending or agrees to devolve this entirely to you, you will remain in the position you are of finding out about new spending.

My mum is a similar spender. She proudly announces that she spends it as soon as it comes in. She downsized house with the idea of renting it out to pay off the mortgage. She rents it out and then puzzles about where all the spare money goes...she has a storage facility full of furniture from when she divorced my Dad in 2003 which hasn't fitted in the 3 homes she lived in since leaving...she has so many clothes they took up two entire fitted wardrobes. She keeps buying more. Many she never wore or wore once. She views budgeting as a form of control.

During one financial crisis, I drew up a budget for her to help her rein in (not stop, just reduce the amounts) she spent. She lasted less than a month before going to her mother and getting a 'loan.' Needless to say it has not been paid back. She will not learn as there is always someone to rescue her. I can't rescue her as I can only take her so far.

Does your husband understand the impact of his spending on you, your future and your relationship? He may think it's not a big problem or understand. I am sure as he loves you that he will be willing to discuss a compromise to managing money?

Good luck x