Made the move - so why don't I feel better?!

Lifeupsidedown

Hi

I'll keep it short (ish!)

Sommer43

Lifeupsidedown wrote: »

Hi

I'll keep it short (ish!) I was in a really bad relationship, living with OH, he had a bereavement and was badly affected by it. The relationship was quite new and it was shortly before the bereavement I saw messages to another girl. I've posted on here before, but basically this went on for ages and got worse (though he did try to stop a few times). Things ended badly and I think the rush to get out ASAP kept me occupied, I was looking forward to Christmas with my family but that was an awful time too - father was constantly drinking a LOT of alcohol, it was incredibly stressful for everyone else. Now... I had to go back to hand over stuff to ex and pick stuff up and it was so strange being back there, the place I planned to be in "for the rest of my life" until getting a house anyway, with him. When I left, walking up the road, the bad feelings came back and I knew I couldn't have stayed with him, so, I did the right thing in leaving, but I'm so sad for him as he's not happy (he didn't tell me, I just know) and the way we started off, we were so good together. I think part of him just went when the death happened.

Shouldn't I be feeling great? That I got rid of someone who was so, so bad for me? I'm not. I'm sorry for him because he's changed so much, the joy has gone from his eyes and he told me himself he felt himself change the night that happened. Nothing I did helped (I really tried with encouraging him to get counselling etc or just trying to make the relationship work). Deep down, I knew a long time ago things weren't right, I feel I lost him a long time ago and I want that person I first knew back! However, I could never go back or put myself through that again. Wish I could just forget! Feeling so down about this.

Hi there...

I felt your sadness when I read this thread. When a relationship ends, we do grieve, however bad it was for us at the time and as you have stated, it was good once upon a time. In my experience and I grieved for a long time at the end of my marriage, we want back what we had at the beginning, when we felt good, when we wanted so much to be with that person and the plans that were made.

You can never have the person or the good times back. They are gone and two people either evolve and go on to have more good times, or they part company. As a relationship ages, the people in it, do change and events in life can have such an impact, it can become hard to imagine life as it was once was. But, they are memories and we as humans, have many of them. You have mentioned the bereavement which has impacted him and changed him. Loss affects us in many ways, which is out of our control, only time will heal this. He's grieving for the person he lost, you know this and you have mentioned this more than once in your post. It seems to have been this bereavement, if I am reading your post correctly that has changed him and ultimately the dynamics of your relationship. He's the one suffering as a result of this loss, you are the casualty of the loss, as in losing him.

Your feelings are not wrong. How can they be? It's the way you feel and you are feeling immense sadness for the loss of your relationship and the man you clearly loved. How would he react, were you to show him what you have written? This is not a post written without love and what a s'tard he was, it shows the depth of your feelings for this man and a testamant to the love you shared. Why I wanted to respond. It is not a silly row, that is often seen, it is pure sadness at the loss of a loved one. I am talking about you here. A woman who has lost the man she loves. Is there absolutely no chance of a reconciliation? Or are you absolutely clear that you want out and want to move on and get over this? As hard as that may seem to answer right now, I do think you need to ask yourself this question.

Should you be feeling great? Who does feel great at the end of a relationship? No matter how many people tell you, you'll meet someone else, his loss, you're gorgeous and you will not be alone for long, great is not the first adjective that comes to mind when our lives change the direction it was once going. It might appear to be greener when we are in the pain on the other side, but the first part, the pain, the sorrow is never nice, nor is it pretty. But, you have to go through it. We can try to fight the pain and the sorrow, but there is only way through it, despite all we can do to make ourselves feel better. I shouldn't think he's feeling great either. Compounded with a bereavement, he is now dealing with the loss of his relationship. Did you honestly think you'd feel great once out of it?

That's the bad news out of the way. You will get through it, we may think we are not coping, but we do. The strength of human spirit will always shine through and we do cope and find our way through pain and heartache. Hearts don't break really, do they? They are bruised and battered for a time, but the pain comes from our brain. And the brain is very good at recovering from pain. Your feelings of sadness will pass, as you become accustomed to your new life without him and if it truly is over, then you can go on to feel stronger and that strength will lead to a happier state of mind. Happiness is a journey not a destination. Just like sadness. Time is the key and time is what you need to readjust to a different life than the one you had planned.

What you're feeling is normal human emotion and you will bounce back. Best of luck.