Hen do

Yargo1

Hi need some advice

I got married last year and a friend organised my hen do.

She is now getting married but has chosen a date for the wedding, that she knows I can't do due to being on holiday.

Her sisters and a mate are sorting hen do.

They are wanting to go abroad and also for us to pay for my mate . All of her costs!

I've replied and said that I don't mind chipping in for her evening meals but that I am not willing to pay for her whole costs between us all.

Am I bad? I have lots of expenses at mo and just feel that I paid my way on my hen do and it's cheeky to get us to pay for everything..

What do you all think?

Also I only know the bride and as only seems to be her, her sisters and this friend ( who all know each other) could be very clicky?

As I'm not attending wedding should I just go with majority or just
be honest and say I'd rather spend a day with her on my own?

Person_one

Don't be afraid to say no, a hen night used to be a meal and a boozy night in or out with your friends. I'm not sure at what point weekends away with multiple activities and several dress codes became the norm!

I'd just say that you're sorry, but its beyond your budget so you'll get in touch with the bride and arrange a way to celebrate just the two of you.

HeadAboveWater

Ditto what Person_one says

Yargo1

Thanks person one :-) and head above :-)

amus

It really annoys me when people 'volounteer' others to pay for things without having a clue what people can afford.

It goes on in work all the time. Instead of letting people decide what they can afford its always volounteered that people will chip in £5, it adds up when you're getting asked to chip in for something almost every week!

OP I think you did the right thing, dont let other people pressure you into spending money you havnt got/dont want to spend.

Brighton_belle

Yup, exactly what Person_one said too. Do not get sucked in - such hen do's are a very modern invention of excess and financial pressure for many (not to say a few dont have a fab time but many don't).
Personally, I celebrated my marriage with my friends.... at my wedding. It was lovely. I continue to spend time afterwards with them in exactly the same way I did before.

fashionlover10

amus wrote: »

It really annoys me when people 'volounteer' others to pay for things without having a clue what people can afford.

Completely agree. My OH's friend turns 30 this year and it's been decided, without any discussion, there'll be a weekend away with everyone paying for the birthday boy. I'm not impressed as we're really struggling but I know OH won't say no to them

Don't get yourself into trouble financially or make yourself have to go without to pay towards the Hen do OP. It's not fair of other people to just expect that people will be ok with it.

Joons

I think you should do what you think is best for her and you - my daughter had to go on a hen wknd to Ibiza and yes, all paid for the bride to be to get there - I said that's ridiculous but was shouted down as apparently this is how things are done now - yeah, as said, fine, if you can afford it, I personally think it's really cheeky to expect your friends to pay for a holiday, the happy couple even told folk to give money, nothing else, again, cheeky imo, to pay for their honeymoon.

dontone

To the OP. You aren't being bad. I think that your friend's sisters, etc, are being very cheeky in expecting you to fork out.
Any hen do I've to (I'll admit, it isn't many) has been a night on the town, buying the bride a drink, haggling our way into a nightclub, and getting onto a mini bus with a bag of chips each.
I don't know where all this "we must go to somewhere abroad or expensive, but everybody pays £'s for the Hen/stag/birthday boy/girl" cobblers comes from. But it does really get on my nerves when it's automatically expected by others that you will pay out for someone else's benefit, especially when folks are struggling and that isn't taken into consideration.

I'd tell them to jog on OP. Either that or say that the wedding gift you have already bought has taken up some of your tight budget. Don't feel guilty about saying NO.

BTW slightly off topic, but I also get offended at those wedding lists online, where they put down all the things they want from a shop, and they must have the £50 breadbin as it has handpainted periwinkles on it. My cousin tried that, and got one for £5.99 from Poundstretchers .

CH27

It boils my blood that people think it's ok to pressure people to pay for things.

The whole wedding/hen/stag night things has got way out of hand & is putting people under a lot of pressure.

lovecake

Yikes! I paid my own way on my hen - although people chipped in for my evening meal, but I paid my train fare and the cost of an overnight hotel stay and spa treatments. I certainly would never have expexted others to pay for me!

We had a boozy night with buffet when we got back from the hotel and I made sure that my Chief Bridesmaid made it clear to everyone that there was no obligation to come away overnight and I would be more than happy if people just came to the buffet and night out in the local!

People go so OTT with these things. My and my bridesmaid planned my hen with varying budgets in mind and there was certainly no pressure to pay for me or to come to the more expensive part of the hen.

Don't feel pressured. Just do your own thing for the bride if you feel that would be better. If one of my friends did that for me I would completely understand - in fact, one of my friends did - she couldn't make it to the hotel part of the hen so she took me to a flower arranging course one evening and we had a lovely time!

This might sound harsh, but I think going abroad for a hen do is completely ridiculous! Just go with your gut on this one!