In a mess / hiding it / dealing with hurting people

mm070312

I've found myself in a mess. I owe almost £9 grand on one loan and 2 credit cards. I've messed things up. In the last year my debt of £3500 grand has gone up to £9 grand. It's not right but at the time I guess I wanted to feel I was doing my fair share for my partner like she was. I was working and figured I would get through it. Things got worse at home, I got a drug dependency, hid the debt and carried on to just to feel like I could do things but then had to quit my job as everything become too much to bear. Which is where I am now.

I was immature, impulsive, impatient, irrational and I think it stemmed out of not wanting to hurt loved ones and making them happy made me happy. I realise now I've hurt them deeply because I hid it and I think they feel betrayed by me. I feel sick because of this and sick because what I've done to them. It's hard to cope with.

So how do you deal with the emotional side? I hate hurting people or have them thinking bad of me and the thought of losing loved ones through this is the scariest thing in the world. I never thought I'd be so lucky to be loved and acted dumb and when things got worse acted dumber.

I have assurances from my partner everything will be okay with us but I have major anxiety, depression and worries about it now. I've come clean with everything but I'm devastated by it all.

climbingoutoftheabyss

You have my sympathies, I went through a very similar story with my debt, hiding it from my wife as I went through a mixture of emotions from being ashamed of myself to not wanting to hurt her.

I was lucky, when I revealed the shocking truth she stood by me and we worked through it together. Six years on and things are much-much better.

There isn't much I can say other than try to remain positive and it will get better. There is no magic wand, things can't be repaired overnight, you need to be strong for your partner and you will get there.

Lordhightiggythe3rd

Hiya i have been through simmilar i have got us into big trouble by hidding the truth and trying to get out of it myself its horrible feeling like youve let them down and realising how stupid you have been
its been a few years now and i still feel bad about it but that helps anytime i feel like im gonna hide somthing again or start to do somthing silly these feelings remind me not to and make me tell my other half the truth
you partner is supportive and togther you will get out of this im sure just make sure you have told her everything ( there is nothing worse than drip feeding the truth and new things going wrong every month)

mm070312

Thank you, thank you both for your posts. I'm so sorry you've been there but to hear from people who know exactly the emotions I'm feeling are and understand it, means a great deal. I've felt really alone and like I've messed up everything.

Yep got to remain positive and be up front and honest about everything now and yes no drip feeding of the truth, Lordhightiggythe3rd. I do that out of fear. I have told her exactly how it all happened though not how it's going to be worked out though we plan to talk soon properly about it. Again no magic ward or quick fix like you said climbingoutoftheabyss and I'm really glad your partner stuck by you, mate. My problem was I made poor decisions for us both, thinking of the short term gain and that it would sort it self out.

My partner's been great but I don't know how to react when she has been mad about it. Do I take it? Try to explain my poor decisions again? It's a rock and a hard place.

Dave33

In reply to the OP, I completely sympathise. I did the same after getting into trouble with credit, I even took out another loan and a credit card to cover the payments, everything was ok until the payments on those cards started to mount up too

The worst thing was I didn't tell my Wife, I was increasingly anxious and stressed and there was nothing I could do. I remember one day, my birthday in February 2010, I was so miserable and sat there dreading the thought of my Wife going out to buy, of all things, a new toner for our printer. All day I was just waiting for her to say "I'm going out, will be back soon" - I knew we didn't have £20 in the bank (and this was three weeks before pay day). One day, soon after that, we couldn't afford to pay for the weekly shopping, we had litereally nothing in the bank (the accounts were in my name so easy to hide things) so I had to come clean.

After the initial shouting/screaming/crying (from both of us) we sat down and worked out exactly how much I/we owed, how much was coming in and what we could do about it. Those few months after that day we the most stress free of my life. I actually felt relieved that it was all out in the open.

Things have been comfortable since then, I am very transparent when it comes to finances - nothing to hide here! We're nowhere near debt free, but we will be one day

Thanks for reading

gardenlady_2

mm070312 wrote: »

Thank you, thank you both for your posts. I'm so sorry you've been there but to hear from people who know exactly the emotions I'm feeling are and understand it, means a great deal. I've felt really alone and like I've messed up everything.

Yep got to remain positive and be up front and honest about everything now and yes no drip feeding of the truth, Lordhightiggythe3rd. I do that out of fear. I have told her exactly how it all happened though not how it's going to be worked out though we plan to talk soon properly about it. Again no magic ward or quick fix like you said climbingoutoftheabyss and I'm really glad your partner stuck by you, mate. My problem was I made poor decisions for us both, thinking of the short term gain and that it would sort it self out.

My partner's been great but I don't know how to react when she has been mad about it. Do I take it? Try to explain my poor decisions again? It's a rock and a hard place.

I have been that partner and I was very, very angry when I was told. I have stood by him and I will, but there are times when I still get angry about it. What I want him to do when I'm angry is just to say sorry again and acknowledge how bad this has made me feel- I hate it when he tries to put a positive spin on it when I am cross, I just want him to let me be angry. When I am not cross, I want the positive spin, the 'we can do it' thing, I also want him to talk about it and acknowledge my emotions when I'm not angry

mm070312

Dave33 wrote: »

In reply to the OP, I completely sympathise. I did the same after getting into trouble with credit, I even took out another loan and a credit card to cover the payments, everything was ok until the payments on those cards started to mount up too

The worst thing was I didn't tell my Wife, I was increasingly anxious and stressed and there was nothing I could do. I remember one day, my birthday in February 2010, I was so miserable and sat there dreading the thought of my Wife going out to buy, of all things, a new toner for our printer. All day I was just waiting for her to say "I'm going out, will be back soon" - I knew we didn't have £20 in the bank (and this was three weeks before pay day). One day, soon after that, we couldn't afford to pay for the weekly shopping, we had litereally nothing in the bank (the accounts were in my name so easy to hide things) so I had to come clean.

After the initial shouting/screaming/crying (from both of us) we sat down and worked out exactly how much I/we owed, how much was coming in and what we could do about it. Those few months after that day we the most stress free of my life. I actually felt relieved that it was all out in the open.

Things have been comfortable since then, I am very transparent when it comes to finances - nothing to hide here! We're nowhere near debt free, but we will be one day

Thanks for reading

Thanks for sharing that Dave. Again it makes me feel less alone. I know I'm the one responsible for it but it's just good to hear similar feelings and emotions as I'm feeling now.

We had the same thing to last night but our talks today have been good. It's not so much the 'why' or 'it' but more the concealment of it all that made my partner the most upset. She said she understood why I hid it too but in the future just be up front and transparent about everything because that was the most hurtful.

Got to draw up everything I owe to creditors with my family and seek help since I lost my job.

I have been that partner and I was very, very angry when I was told. I have stood by him and I will, but there are times when I still get angry about it. What I want him to do when I'm angry is just to say sorry again and acknowledge how bad this has made me feel- I hate it when he tries to put a positive spin on it when I am cross, I just want him to let me be angry. When I am not cross, I want the positive spin, the 'we can do it' thing, I also want him to talk about it and acknowledge my emotions when I'm not angry

Thanks garden lady too for your input and thoughts. It's a great help. I just want to manage everything now from my finances and emotions thoughtfully like that.

Dave33

mm070312 wrote: »

It's not so much the 'why' or 'it' but more the concealment of it all that made my partner the most upset. She said she understood why I hid it too but in the future just be up front and transparent about everything because that was the most hurtful.

Exactly what my wife said to me. I know she would have been understanding, I think, but I thought I would be able to sort it out myself and she would never find out. Silly, I know.

Thinking back to that afternoon still makes me feel emotional nearly 3 years later. A relief but at the same time a realisation of the enormity of the situation:(

mm070312

Dave33 wrote: »

Exactly what my wife said to me. I know she would have been understanding, I think, but I thought I would be able to sort it out myself and she would never find out. Silly, I know.

Same my wife's a star and would've been understanding but a mixture of immaturity and silly male pride (as I felt she was doing more than enough) meant I hid it I thought the same that I could sort it out, 'all it needed was a few months back at home', which was happening anyway but extenuating personal circumstances then with me losing my job on top of that made it the mess it is now.

Thinking back to that afternoon still makes me feel emotional nearly 3 years later. A relief but at the same time a realisation of the enormity of the situation:(

I bet it does. I've had ups and downs since I let my wife know. It has been a relief but the shame and guilt is piling up on me too. Cleaning up the flat today and returning to my parents with my tail between my legs.

eyeopener2

My wife was very angry, you can see from my Sig how bad the situation was. I left our home for a short while but, once she calmed down and realised I had put a plan in place she did forgive me.

It occasionally rears its ugly head again but as we get closer to debt free day I can feel a definite sense of "future" now.

You have to show remorse, you have to have a plan, and you have to stick to it. Wallowing in self pity gets you know where. Yes you've ballsed up but that's the past, it's how you deal with now that's important.

Greenlady, that is a really good post. It's good to hear the other side of the emotional turmoil that debt causes.

E2

Dave33

mm070312 wrote: »

I bet it does. I've had ups and downs since I let my wife know. It has been a relief but the shame and guilt is piling up on me too. Cleaning up the flat today and returning to my parents with my tail between my legs.

Chin up, the hardest part is over. Stay positive!