Hi there - just need a quick rant

bluezone

Hi guys,

Just need to get something off my chest. As a 2nd job, I work as a carer for my parents roughly 2 hours a day. Dont get me wrong I think the world of my parents and have always said that should they need anything then all they need to do is ask. The thing is they say they dont see me out of the time I get paid for by being a carer. I go round there in the morning to hepl them before I goto work and then I go straight round there after work before I get to go home and have dinner. They dont seem to realise that even my other half doesnt go round and see his parents for over 2 hours a day every day. If they need something doing they will phone and say 'I dont like to ask but could you' and thats fine thats all they need to do and sometimes they say 'so what are you going to do for your £15 an hour today?' or 'you only seem to stay as long as your paid to'.

I worry that they miss people going round there but dont seem to make an effort to get out and even come to mine for the evening (although saying that they always say my house is a mess - to which I just smile sweetly!)

I do not want to give up the job as they wouldnt feel comfortable having someone else going in there to look after them, I need the money and they arer my parents! I know they miss me and my siblings not being there as the house has always been full but at the minute I leave home at 7am and get home by 7pm unless I work through my lunch so I get home by half 6.

They say I look tired but put it down to me 'going out all the time'. I go to the local for a diet coke on a fri and sat night with the other half and I may venture down there for quiz night occasionally but thats it cos the rest of the time I'm too tired.

Also my siblings are older than me and are away (1 works away and the other has kids so cant always get over to help out which leaves me)

Anyway I have wasted too much time ranting - I'd better go back to work, cheers for listening.

Tam_Lin

Difficult one - would you still go round as much if you didn't get paid to? You have my sympathy, doing that as well as working another job; it must be exhausting. Can you sit down and thrash it out with them?

eveyk

hi

you sound like you could do with a break!
Do you go round every day? I'm sure your parents appreicate seeing you but as you say its carer time not daughter time as such. could you not reduce your days so you're not missing out on too much money?
Its hard being a carer for your parents, I used to help my mum look after my dad. Do you think your parents would mind some one else looking after them? I'm sure if it meant you seeing more of them in 'daughter mode' they wouldn't mind and they could also have a change of company.

You need to look after yourself too;)

Take care

E x

Justie

it's one of those things I'm afraid whatever you do won't be enough or exactly what they want... having seen my mum care for both her elderly parents and then my father these kinds of conversations are all too familiar (from my grandparents rather than my dad). Take it as their expression of wanting to see more of you and not having much else to moan about rather than a personal slight. It sounds like you're doing all you can and money aside you have your own life to lead. It may be worth at some point having a conversation with them about what will happen should they need more care as you don't want to end up in a position where you end up taking on more and more responsibility for them (paid or otherwise).

And make sure you've let your GP know you're a carer, there's support out there for you.

WrenBoy

Poor you. Sounds like they're feeling a bit lonely and fed up and taking it out on you. And sounds like they really enjoy your visits.
Also sounds like you need a holiday!

bluezone

Hi again,

cheers for your replies. One of my sisters is also down to be a carer for them and may come up twice a fortnight if that so I do get a day off every now and then. I think I have been very lucky to find a guy who understands that I'm there for my parents and that I'm round there a lot but obviously I want to spend some quality time with him rather than just pillow talk!

Tam lin - Its a hard one about 'thrashing it out with them'. A lot has happened since my dad fell ill. I got married to my ex who was abusive and got me into huge debt - mum and dad have helped me get things for bootsales etc, I went through a messy divorce and my nan died early this year (I took 2 weeks off unpaid leave to help them full time with my nan and grandad), so I kind of feel harsh thrashing it out with them. It can be exhausting doing both jobs but I used to do pub work as well so this is a bit lighter on the work front for me. I dont know if I would go round there as much, maybe an hour in the evening or longer every other day?

Eveyk - I am having a holiday soon which is definately needed. Yes I go round every day. If I reduce my hours they have to have someone in to cover the rest and my dad is proud and doesnt want a stranger sitting outside the shower room door whilst he has a shower (in case his heart plays silly !!!!!!s he has been toldd not to lock doors just in case)

Justie - thanks for this. I am sure they dont mean it personally but sometimes it just gets to you. We have always been a close family as relatives live a good hours drive away. They seem to be under the impression that should they need more care I would do it full time and dont get me wrong they are my parents and I would move heaven and earth to help them but I do now need a but of 'me' time once in a while. The GP knows I'm down as a carer and just asks how they are. They are still relatively young (mum 58, dad 61)

WrenBoy - I think they are a bit lonely, they love me going round and they know they can phone me anytime as my mobile is always on (mainly incase dad's heart !!!!!!s up!).

Cheers guys again

Bluezone x

Errata

I do an average of an hour a day, but it's not paid for. Like you, when I'm doing stuff that needs doing, I'm also having the kind of chat etc I'd be having if I was just 'visiting'so I never actually 'visit'. I get totally fed up with it sometimes, don't want to do it, think I'm being taken for granted by everyone in the family etc etc etc. All these thoughts, feelings are a normal part of being a human being. Sometimes people can become self-obsessed, selfish, and can seem uncaring, and that's part of being a human being too, I guess. But don't allow them to tell you how you're feeling and what you think about something, they can't know and aren't entitled to impose their view on you.
My look of tiredness is sometimes commented on, I always reply that I'm kneckered. Full stop endof !
When I'm moaned at about something I ask what they want me to do, and how they want me to do it. Puts the ball back in their court, along with the moaning.
Not sure if any of this helps, but at least it lets you know that what you're feeling can go with the territory. And it might be worth pointing out to them that they would get 2 hours a week from a home care worker - less travelling time !
I'm considerably older than both your parents,and I'm caring for an aged parent
I wouldn't 'have it out with them' they think their view of things is the right one so they're not likely to change it much if at all. However, a discussion that might be worth having is what will be put in place if you're laid up with flu/broken leg/whatever.
Chin up, enjoy your break, sounds like you're feeling a bit burnt out.

Savvy_Sue

bluezone wrote: »

If I reduce my hours they have to have someone in to cover the rest and my dad is proud and doesnt want a stranger sitting outside the shower room door whilst he has a shower (in case his heart plays silly !!!!!!s he has been toldd not to lock doors just in case)

Now I know this is going to sound really harsh, but when you were younger, did you get everything done the way you wanted it? No? Well, it is hard, and especially hard to let go of pride, but we don't always get what we want, and if your parents want to see more of you in daughter mode, then someone else needs to do the caring.

Did your parents get an assessment of their needs from Social Services? And were you told that YOU were entitled to an assessment of YOUR needs as a carer? Maybe you doing this isn't best for any of you ...

Psykicpup

aww hun ((((hugs))))
lets face it tho if you happened to 'nip in' in the evening you would end up helping out anyway! You are being paid for it which is great! I do wonder if the restrictions your parents are experiencing are getting them a bit down - maybe one of your siblings could encourage them to get out a bit - maybe your local age concern runs a outing type thing...

bluezone

Dear everyone,

Many thanks for your replies.

Dad has a heart condition called dilated cardiomyopathy and in June 2003 the doctors gave him 2 weeks to live. After 6 months with him still alive and kicking thanks to us not letting him do much apart from rest the doctors said so long as he is stable he could go up to 5 years. He has since had a pacemaker fitted but it will not be of much use as his condition has now gone to the rest of the heart. Dad has to sleep more or less sitting up so that the lazy heart that he still has doesnt have to work too hard. He is on the transplant list but basically you have to be ill enough to have the operation but well enough to survive it and the doc has said that your body could reject a new heart but by then you cant put the old one back in!

Mum has got fibromyalger (not sure on spelling) which means she is in pain every day - she is used to this but it is stil annoying to her with some days she is unable to get out of bed. She isnt allowed to cook anymore as her muscles go into spasm and so she can throw or drop things without stopping herslef - we have come to laugh at this to stop it getting her down.


The money I get paid is through something called direct payments. My sister with the children is going to do the caring whilst I am away for 2 weeks and my other sister came up saturday so she did the shifts sat, sun and today. I still went round there but as a daughter visit if you know what I mean. I did a bootsale yesterday and they came to say hello - so they got out of the house for a bit. I also had time to sort my clothes out for holiday and then laid a carpet in my dining room! Busy day but fun

Savvy_sue, dont worry it doesnt sound harsh - I know what you mean but at the end of the day as I am from a close knit family I have come to realise that I need to make them feel my ideas are their ideas hehe (sorry as you can tell I have had a good weekend and feel better already. They have both had an assessment from SS but I didnt know I was entitled to one - will try to find out more cheers.

Psykicpup, I think that they dont like to admit they are getting older and the thing is they want to do the things but get frustrated when they cant. I will look into the local age concern and do some finding out.

Bluezone