A sad day

Mr_Toad

Well today my mother finally agreed to give up driving.

It was a sad but necessary change.

Until this time last year her and Dad were fine, Dad was getting a little forgetful and at 84 was diagnosed with the early signs of dementia.

Then literally overnight he deteriorated to the point where he was hospitalised. He spent several weeks in hospital then went into a care home where he remains. He no longer recognises us but is well cared for and comfortable.

Within weeks of him going in Mum started to deteriorate become more forgetful herself but generally coping well. We thought it was the stress of no longer having him around and she seemed to improve a little then relapse.

Over the last few months she's got worse, thinking Dad was coming home and doing stuff like going shopping then forgetting she'd done it and going again. Twice in the last couple of weeks she's forgotten where she parked the car. The odd thing is when I get to her and ask her where she's been she answers straight away and that's where we find the car!

I've kept an eye on her driving over the last year and on the road she's fine, both confident and aware of all that's going on but as the doctor points out she learned to drive 60 years ago and her problems are all short term memory problems. Both I and the doctor feel it was time to stop and she's agreed.

She's also agreed to go for a proper memory assessment, until today she's always refused on the grounds that there's nothing wrong with her.

She has plenty of people people to help her, my son visits her every day on his way home from work and my ex is also a regular visitor.

All that said I do feel more than a little guilty for having bee instrumental in her giving up her freedom.

go_cat

Well done on you and your mum

From what have described about her health it is the right decision and it would be hard for her to make quick decisions as needed on the roads today

Has she applied for a bus pass so she can still have some independence

Triangle

I can understand the feeling of guilt but you have 100% done the right thing.

I once worked with a gentleman with dementia who was driving locally everyday and encouraging him to give up his licence was very diffcult, as was getting the GP to assist in writing to the DVLA. Until he had an accident that is.

If your dad's care home easily accessible on a bus route? If not, it might help to plan with other family members when mum can be taken to visit him (if of course that is what she wants).

Mr_Toad

go_cat wrote: »

Well done on you and your mum

From what have described about her health it is the right decision and it would be hard for her to make quick decisions as needed on the roads today

Has she applied for a bus pass so she can still have some independence

Yes she has a bus pass, she's had one ever since hitting retirement age, she's 84 now.

She uses it to get into the city. She would drive to the supermarket and park there and walk across the road to the bus stop. It's a 20 mile journey into the city and easier on the bus than driving to the park and ride and paying.

She'll just have to catch a bus into town and catch the city bus from there now.

Mojisola

It's very hard, isn't it?

My father had always been a very safe driver and still was when we realised that his reactions were much slower. On a quiet road with everyone else driving properly, he would have been fine but he just couldn't have reacted fast enough if an emergency happened.

It reduces your freedom so much that it's a very difficult thing to tell someone their driving days are over.

To keep ourselves safe on the road - and so our kids don't have to have that conversation with us - my OH and I are having our driving assessed at regular intervals, starting at age 60.

harrys_nan

Don't feel guilty, it was def the correct thing to do, both for your mum and for her family so you can stop worrying about her being on the road, get her a bus pass so she can still get out, at least for the time being.
Dementia is an awful thing to have happen and its better to keep her safe

Mr_Toad

Triangle wrote: »

I can understand the feeling of guilt but you have 100% done the right thing.

I once worked with a gentleman with dementia who was driving locally everyday and encouraging him to give up his licence was very diffcult, as was getting the GP to assist in writing to the DVLA. Until he had an accident that is.

If your dad's care home easily accessible on a bus route? If not, it might help to plan with other family members when mum can be taken to visit him (if of course that is what she wants).

Yes, it was one of the things I considered when I chose it. I realised that at some point Mum would have to give up driving so the more rural homes were out.

Fortunately she's a fit as the average 20 year old and capable of walking miles. Until Dad went in the home they used to go hill walking in the Peak district most weekends and thought nothing of walking 12 to 15 miles!

I've tried to get her to join a rambling club but she won't. It's like they functioned as a pair and she can't or won't do it on her own.