Alcohol and Depression - LONG! SORRY!

quantumleap

I’ve posted in the past about the problems between my mother and step father. To cut a long story short they haven’t had much of a relationship in the last 5/6 years. My mum owns the house – he is not on the mortgage/deeds (although I appreciate there has been a contribution by him but this thread is not about the house!). He spent most of his time in his bedroom.

My grandmother lived with them until her death 18 months ago. Her death brought my mother & step father a little closer together and things were improving (slightly) up until June last year when he suffered a heart attack. He needed a number of stents fitted and was quite unwell for a few weeks. At the time it was also discovered he had quite serious circulation problems in his legs, which has since kept him out of work and made him unable to rehabilitate properly as he can’t walk very far.

Anyway the family (mum, brother me) rallied around, supported him and tried to help. He seemed to be progressing up until about September last year when he started to drink excessively. He began spending all his time in his bedroom wrapped in fleece blankets claiming to be cold (even though the house was boiling). This morphed into him not communicating, not eating properly, drinking 2 bottles of wine a day (starting in the afternoon) becoming verbally aggressive etc.

We clearly felt that he was suffering with some form of depression so during a rare lucid moment just after Christmas we got him to agree to the doctor coming out. Doctor confirmed depression and talked to him about the need to reduce his drinking. The doctor was unable to prescribe any medication until my step father has blood tests and a cardiology appointment (as he really does look unwell, gets out of breath just by talking and can’t walk further than the car). These tests are happening tomorrow and the following week.

However, things are getting worse at my mothers house. Step father is drinking even more heavily now has completely locked himself in his bedroom is becoming more verbally abusive (at times) and just doesn’t communicate. My mother is at breaking point and has been relying on me for advice. Other than to assure her that this is not her fault and that I don’t think she can do any more for him until after these appointments in the next couple of weeks I don’t know what to do.

Clearly he needs to go to these appointments (with my mother), hopefully get some form of medication to aid the depression which will hopefully help with the drinking and more importantly he needs to make an effort. If these things don’t change I’m not sure how we move on as a family as we can't cope much longer.

Sorry to ramble – just wondering if anyone had any thoughts. We don’t even know if the depression has caused the drinking or if the drinking has caused the depression!

pink_princess

How is he getting the alcohol?

quantumleap

pink_princess wrote: »

How is he getting the alcohol?

My mother stopped buying in wine in November of last year. He drives, has an old banger and typically goes and gets alcohol the moment my mum goes to work.

pink_princess

quantumleap wrote: »

My mother stopped buying in wine in November of last year. He drives, has an old banger and typically goes and gets alcohol the moment my mum goes to work.

So he can walk and leave the house when it suits him then.

Time for tough love, get your mum to take the car keys to work.

Joons

Definitely time for tough love, it will help him in the long run. He either accepts the help and proves that he is drinking less or he has to go, simple as that, he's an adult and is responsible for his own actions, if he wants to act like a teenager then your mum needs to tell him to go do it somewhere else cos whilst under her roof there are rules on behaviour and respect and what he's doing is definitely not acceptable.

quantumleap

Joons wrote: »

Definitely time for tough love, it will help him in the long run. He either accepts the help and proves that he is drinking less or he has to go, simple as that, he's an adult and is responsible for his own actions, if he wants to act like a teenager then your mum needs to tell him to go do it somewhere else cos whilst under her roof there are rules on behaviour and respect and what he's doing is definitely not acceptable.

Agree with this completely. I feel he is showing our family a great deal of disrespect, particularly after the way he was supported after his heart attack

However, we are very aware that he is suffering some form of depression and we are inclined to wait until he gets some kind of medical help with this in the hope that it will encourage him to make an effort. I think that is the biggest killer for us - that he just isn't making any sort of effort to help himself at all.

Wellyboots6

Another vote for tough love.

Whilst he can get away with behaving like this with no negative consequences to himself he has no reason to change anything.

If he is shut in his room how is he getting his meals? Is his washing being done? Where is his money coming from to buy his alcohol?

I would suggest that his appointments are written down for him and given to him, with the offer that if he wants to go to the appointment then your mother will be available to go with him. Then leave it at that. If he talks to her about going to the appointments then she goes, but she doesn't chase him and drag him there.

She leaves him in his room to get on with what he is doing and cuts off any help she is giving him to keep him in this situation.

If she is giving him money, cooking him food, doing his washing etc then she is enabling him to stay as he is.

Sounds harsh, but whilst he is comfortable as he is there is no incentive to change anything. Especially if he is depressed, he has even less incentive to do anything positive.

Wellyboots6

quantumleap wrote: »

However, we are very aware that he is suffering some form of depression and we are inclined to wait until he gets some kind of medical help with this in the hope that it will encourage him to make an effort.

Whilst he is drinking there is very little help available to him.

Medication is unlikely to be prescribed as it will not work whilst he is drinking, and can also be dangerous when mixed with alcohol.

Psychological therapies such as counselling etc will also not work when he is drinking.

The usual route is to get the patient to reduce or stop their drinking and then to begin to treat depression as alcohol is one of the major causes of depression. If the alcohol is removed then there is a chance the depression will resolve itself anyway.

Therefore, tough love on the drinking side is the best way to start the whole process off

quantumleap

katy721 wrote: »

Another vote for tough love.

Whilst he can get away with behaving like this with no negative consequences to himself he has no reason to change anything.

If he is shut in his room how is he getting his meals? Is his washing being done? Where is his money coming from to buy his alcohol?

I would suggest that his appointments are written down for him and given to him, with the offer that if he wants to go to the appointment then your mother will be available to go with him. Then leave it at that. If he talks to her about going to the appointments then she goes, but she doesn't chase him and drag him there.

She leaves him in his room to get on with what he is doing and cuts off any help she is giving him to keep him in this situation.

If she is giving him money, cooking him food, doing his washing etc then she is enabling him to stay as he is.

Sounds harsh, but whilst he is comfortable as he is there is no incentive to change anything. Especially if he is depressed, he has even less incentive to do anything positive.

My mum is still doing his washing, ironing etc. He really doesn't eat very much and I don't think she is cooking for him anymore after months of the meals just being put in the bin - I think he is getting his calorie intake from the alcohol to be honest. If he needs to eat he just comes downstairs makes a sandwich and goes back up again.

I agree with the tough love suggestion - my only concern is how much more difficult this would make life for my mum!

She has asked him to leave in the past and he won't. We live in N.I. and he is from England. Has been here for 35 years, has no friends (he has never been very sociable) and rarely sees his family in England (12 years since last visit). My brother nor I would be prepared to take him in so what can we do! So removing him by force would literally mean putting him on the street.

quantumleap

katy721 wrote: »

Whilst he is drinking there is very little help available to him.

Medication is unlikely to be prescribed as it will not work whilst he is drinking, and can also be dangerous when mixed with alcohol.

Psychological therapies such as counselling etc will also not work when he is drinking.

The usual route is to get the patient to reduce or stop their drinking and then to begin to treat depression as alcohol is one of the major causes of depression. If the alcohol is removed then there is a chance the depression will resolve itself anyway.

Therefore, tough love on the drinking side is the best way to start the whole process off

Thanks for this Katy, pretty much confirming what I already know (if I'm honest with myself). It's really a case of how to approach the tough love situation and how to prepare/handle the reaction from him to it. I'm very aware that my mum is in the house on her own with him and whilst I'm not saying he would be physically abusive I am saying that I don't trust him enough to be 100% sure!

Caroline_a

Sounds harsh, but I feel your mum is enabling his behaviour. She is doing his laundry, feeding him, and (in all probability) turning a blind eye when he drives under the influence.

I'm a great believer in people taking responsibility for themselves. I've been stuck in an enabling situation, and, believe me, it creeps up on you and before you know it.....

I lived with someone with an alcohol problem and thought that I could help them... I couldn't, they can only help themselves. She needs to continue with her own life, his depression is probably alcohol-fuelled anyway, and until he stops drinking he will just allow this to continue.

I wish your mum lots of luck!